September 26
November 27
and
December 29

...among many others...

Things take time. Be patient. Wait. Trust.

I will learn to confidently navigate this new world, eventually. When it's time.

Hmmmm-the Ghostbusters huh?

I was thinking more about painting the walls and maybe framing some of your boys grade school projects and hanging them on those walls. My SIL (john's wife) has her kids art, poems etc framed in her house.

But if the Ghostbusters paint interiors...

In all seriousness, I don't think that we know what we can survive until we are faced with it. You have survived a different type of crisis. My father had cancer 17 years ago but he is still with us and was around to help me during this time. My XH kept his renewed PA a secret. I wasn't faced with it every day. We moved to this house 9 months before he left so I don't have his ghost around every corner.

But, I'd still hire the Ghostbusters if they'd paint my living room and stairs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry it's not been a great day, Sis. I know how it is.

I also know that you know things will get better, and that you're not alone, and that if you had a serious illness you would be surrounded with people.

You may not have the kind of company you want right now, but you can have that again, too, when you're ready.

I showed the Enchanted trailer to DD4 and asked her if she would like to go, and she said "No way! Not me!" and that it was too scary. Star Wars movies, not scary; Disney parody, scary. Go figure.

I hope the rest of the weekend is better.

I wish I knew what to tell you, Sis. At one point, I told my kids that I would prefer not to talk about POSOM, but they extrapolated that into "it is forbidden to say the word POSOM," which is not what I meant, of course. Wait, here's the advice--maybe you don't want to do so much catching up. You probably don't want to know what happens on the other side. Think about letting it go.

And I don't think I see anything wrong with the occasional pity party unless they are preventing you from getting out and doing fun things. Or things, anyway, that help you keep your mind busy. Like retail therapy. Are you a big holiday shopper?

I know what you mean. I feel torn when they come home after being gone for what feels like a long time: I want to re-connect with them and know what they've been up to, but I don't really want to know the icky stuff.

Being really honest with myself, I probably want to hear that it was horrible.

Which is an awful thing to wish for my own kids.

I want to get to the point where I sincerely wish for them to be happy at both homes.

CJ shared a "fable" once, about the prince and princess who lived with their poor mother, but visited the king in his castle...why do I feel that somehow the love that I offer to them doesn't quite stack up to whatever WH can give them?

It's that same old dragon...I'm not good enough. I wish I could slay that dragon once and for all.

I don't worry so much about the pity party for me, but I don't like that the kids probably pick up on my irritation. I paste the smile on as they tell me, and then ask how it was for them to be around RT and her kids, and for them it's no big deal. When I think about all that "woman" has done to me--maliciously and intentionally--it makes me ill to think of her with my children, and that she will be a part of their lives. Someday, when I tell them my deep dark secret, I won't leave out her role in it or how she made it worse even long after the fact. Full disclosure.

Part of me did recognize yesterday that much of my anger has to do with the fact that WH "won." And he did so by cheating. The fact that he can go out and celebrate a win while I--who played by the rules--am stuck with the consolation prize (of what?), goes against everything.

SO, I also recognized that I have so much farther to go in terms of getting past this...and my impulse will be to immerse myself in something else to distract myself. Fortunately, there's nothing on the horizon, so I guess I'll just have to continue to tough it out.

Meh. I'll keep plugging away. I guess it takes time and I guess it's helpful to recognize my weaknesses.

I fell pretty childish, actually. Wha, wha, wha.

Holiday shopping is more a social thing for me. I enjoy shopping with others for the thrill of the hunt. So this weekend's retail excursion was more about me and getting out of the house. I don't really have many presents to buy, and I'm done with the kids. Certainly no more worries about all the ILs!!

You know Sis, just because they come home, doesn't always (at least initially, or for a long time thereafter, and sometimes forever) make it a WIN.

I'd rather be alone than deal with an unrepentent wayward. It's gruelling work. I'm not saying this to discourage you from going through your feelings. I'm saying this to give you some perspective. You are in a safe, good place right now. You are being given a chance to really look at yourself and HEAL.

If you get sick, you will not be alone. You have more than the WH, you have a full family. You also have YOU. An amazing, intelligent, strong, attractive woman.

You WILL feel better. I don't know if you'll ever wish WH and RT WELL, but you will want for your sons happiness. This will not be forever.

You may be alone in your house, but you are never alone in this life.

Now you are singing my favorite brand of whine...I so think my Alanon sponsor was going to brain me over the phone because I was so stuck on this thought!


You need to redefine WON and redefine success...ya think?

Your husband "won" the right to share his life with a lying cheating woman who does not respect or care for his children or him.

Your husband "won" a lifetime of anger and resentment and lack of respect from your sons.

Your husband "won" a lifetime of guilt and emotional baggage over the destruction of his family.

Your husband "won" the right to join "Club Adulterer" - what a fine bunch he gets to rub shoulders with in there!

Your husband "won" the missed day to day moments of your children's lives that he will not be present for.

You have your children's love and respect - present and future. You have your own self-respect. You will grow old surrounded by your children and their children - you will not be alone.

Your rewards are going to be so so much better in the end. Don't do this to yourself. Your husband has so not won a damn thing.

Yep!! This is all true. And I KNOW!!!! it.

My heart needs to keep coming around to get to that same place. There's a lot of frustration...my head and heart battling...or maybe it's my "little girl" fighting with my adult. That's probably more accurate.

Maybe thinking of it that way will help...and give my adult some ammunition to tell the little girl to grow up and see that the boogey man is not scary in the least.

And I don't know why the whole winning/losing thing keeps tickling at me, because in reality, WH is no prize. I DID win the prize...myself!!

I am so relieved to be back at work, where I am not afraid of anything, I am strong, I am competent, and I don't question myself at every single turn.

IMHO a place to maybe start to move forward would be to refer to your EX husband as just that - EX - not WH, as he stopped being a WH I think more than a month ago.


I know this will seem mean but some people seem to never get over a divorce (my mother being one of them). They wallow in self pity and how they were wronged and never seem to take control of their lives themselves. The life they *wanted* was "ripped away/taken/lost" and they convince themselves that their life can never be that "good" (usually this is thru very rose colored not reality memories) again. They stay stuck. Their bitterness becomes a permanent part of them. They want rescued and coddled and taken care of and feel they are entitled to that.

No one is going to rescue you or get you to make yourself a good and rewarding life except yourself. Adults take care of themselves and when they do they get others (opposite sex especially) respect and admiration. Adults who need rescued and coddled IMO make poor partners. I think you are NOT one of those - I think you are pretty strong and can/will be self sufficient emotionally. I think once you put your Ex in the past it will show and quality men will be very interested in you. Bramble has been/is trying to prod you into changing your thinking process. Doing so is a consious choice that you are going to need to make and work at - not something that is automatically going to just start happening. IMHO you need to pick a date (Jan 1 ? ) when you are going to hike up your panties and say the past is the past and I can't change it and put it there, and say today is today and this is my plan today and for tomorrow and start living life forward - not living life looking back. Time mourning a loss of a marriage is normal - but *you* are going to need to make a concious choice of when you plan to finish - or else it could be many years and possibly never. Pick a date and put a stake in the ground there.

The first holiday season after divorce is the toughest one. Christmas will be hard this year. But please say to yourself the future ones are going to be fun/great and go out and make them that way.

Keep truckin

JMO

Technically, he's not quite X yet as the papers have not been signed. Also, I'm used to typing WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I'll get over this. I will emerge a stronger, more confident person. I wish it would come more quickly. I don't think that drawing myself a line in the sand will work for me, though...I'd be setting myself up for disappointment in myself when I did a backslide.

It feels more like rock climbing. A few stretches up, a few to the side, maybe have to go back a bit or stop to take a breather, but generally, an upward trend.

I think I've also compared it to a teeter totter...it's making it's way to the other side, but it wobbles a bit in this middle area. Critical mass will eventually take over.

I also have the sense that it will be a life-long thing. I have spent the last 40 years with this thought pattern, and it takes work (energy) and time to change that. Consciously maintaining it...until it becomes habituated...will be work.

Some of it is becoming clearer to me...my need to focus on myself and to FINALLY, TRULY put to rest the idea that this is my fault....even in the depths of my soul.

Unfortunately, it seems to be moving slowly and I am impatient to feel sad/angry/hurt less often. But I am willing to be patient, let it all work. Sort of like how some things are better the second day? Like my pasta fagiole or my spaghetti sauce...worth the wait.

Hi LilSis,

It sounds like normal grieving to me...perfectly natural, understandable and necessary. I liked your rock climbing analogy. When I was going through it, a very long time ago, I used to call it "the dance". Couple steps forward, one step back. The holidays were especially painful.

You have come so far, shown your strength and grace along the way. I'm glad you have a place to vent your feelings safely. When I was divorced there were no discussion boards, etc in place. I think it's OK to state your feelings. I remember how hard it was. It IS difficult to see the hope and new life that awaits you, but it's out there.

(((lilsis)))

Hey LS....I have recovery book.....The Language of Letting Go (somebody may have suggested it to you) w/ daily meditations
and today was about letting go of self-criticism and appreciating your progress.
You are right where you need to be. let yourself feel good about all that you have accomplished.

Don't post much any more but I think of you (and your boys)often.

Nia: That book is one of my standbys. I read it nearly every day. It is very affirming.

sot: This place is so very, very helpful. Incredibly so. Support, understanding, and a kick in the pants every now and then. I don't know what I'd do without it, or more accurately, the people who come here....

Acceptance.

I threw lots and lots of temper tantrums - literally shook my fist in the air - because my life did not turn out as it was "supposed to be".

I still struggle with guilt over choices I've made that have resulted in "what is" instead of what was "supposed to be". Marrying an alcoholic and having three children before getting a clue is one of those things.

It just means accepting yourself as a human being that makes mistakes and muddles through life like everyone else does. You and I are not special in that way...

Progress, not perfection...and Sis...you have made SO MUCH progress.

Shall I go back and read your old threads and quote some "old you"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

BR beat me to it on the winning thing. It's one you come back to, and I really wish you wouldn't. It all depends upon how you define winning, but your WH certainly is not a winner.

I think it was last night I was thinking of my own situation as win-win. Either the SCQ will come back, and I will get a chance to recover my family (which is really all I have been asking for--a real chance), or she won't, and I will go out and find someone great. Someone who respects and values me for who I am.

I won't look for someone else until I am Done, however. And divorce need not define Doneness. I don't sense that you are quite Done. Until you are, I think it's okay to call him your WH.

When's the last time you talked to Jennifer?

Lil Sis... your WH is most definitely not a winner... a weiner maybe, but no way, no how, is he a winner...

AND don't you forget it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good Lord, no.

Yep...Perfection would be defined as getting to Done, or Accepting, RIGHT NOW, because my own personal timeline says that I SHOULD Be Done and Have Accepted.

So...how about I give myself a break and give myself permission to let GOD work this out...since he will, anyway, with or without my permission and without regard for "my" timeline.

I'll be Done; I'll Accept, when the time is right...I can quit pushing, trying to force it.




Wow. That feels good.

Is this what you all have been trying to tell me?

LilSis:

When was the last time you bought a pair of High Heels?

Dropping out of Silent's thread, I thought I would ask.

The day you do, again? You will know that "I'm Done"

Agreed?

There are no GPS co-ordinates on this trip. Just your knowledge that you have arrived, somewhere. When you look back, you know you have traveled far, but you do not KNOW the route you have taken until after you are done. And then you look forward, and start traveling again. There's someplace else up ahead to reach, and the darn GPS thing really is on no help.

But keep travelling. Your doing well.

Rest on the side of the road sometimes. Gaze at the trees, rage at them if you like, but in the end, and you know this, you will pick up the back pack, and start travelling again.

LG

So, I'm pretty sure BR beat into me that Accepting What Is does not equal Being Done. Or need not equal.

I think that there are levels of acceptance.

You need to accept What Is, so that you can get through the day. So that you can live your life rather than pine away for your WH. The other kind of acceptance is Accepting that WH Will Never Be a Romantic Partner for You Again because You Are Done.

It sounds like there's a part of you that wants you to be at that point (i.e., Done), and I'm sure that everyone around you wants you to be at that point. Even people here want you to be at that point, even though the Harleys recommend giving it a year or two after divorce. This is why I asked about recent consultations with the Harleys. What do They say about whether or not you should be Done?

I don't think the Harleys would recommend anything different for Sis for any reason.

What were you thinking, SD?