Tell your big sister there are many on MB who admire her ! (and you !)

{{{{{{{{{Sis}}}}}}}}}} I read your words and admire your strength so much. I wish you the best of the best for today and the decade of the 40's.

Let us know how your weekend, went

happy belated birthday, Sis.

Your strength in this has been amazing and you will be an inspiration to many who come after you.

Hi everyone!

Thanks for the good wishes. I don't know why I wasn't able to log on the other day, and now today it works...hmmmm.

I thought maybe I had exceeded my allowable posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Life's been busy...which is a good thing. I've really carved out a whole new existence for myself. Occasionally I get down thinking about how things might have been, but it passes. Something good is always on the horizon.

The most difficult thing is still just the "why." Not in terms of "so I can fix it," but in terms of "what can I learn so that I do better next time." What Is It About WH that made him do what he did to me, the woman with whom he chose to commit his life, with whom he had children. I will probably never know What It Is, but whatever it was/is, it's not pretty.

At least--FINALLY--it's NOT "What is it about ME."

The other concern is that I HATE RT. I try to see her as a human being, flawed, etc., but it ain't happening. I have zero compassion for her. I just see her as a treacherous witch...only with a b.

I don't wish to live with that icky hate, so I pray that it lessens, but so far, nothing. RT was instrumental in the destruction of my family. She fed me to the wolves. She pretended to be my friend.

That last one is probably the kicker. So the hate is still there. I suppose it will lessen with time. Lots and lots of time.

Again, it just doesn't add up. Again, I wish I understood, or had an answer. It's just a mystery, the way some people are. The way people can be so vicious and hurtful to others, to people they claim to care for.


I don't understand how people can be so intentionally cruel and selfish. I was naive to think that "normal" people were incapable of that.

I think that's one of those unanswerable, existential questions.

Anyway...to things I DO know:

I know I can survive this...and pretty much anything that gets thrown at me.
I know I can be happy.
I know that I am a more whole, open person.
I know that I have truly wonderful friends and people who care for me.
I know that I am less naive.
I know that I am lovable.
I know I can laugh and have fun.
I know that I can have a relationship with God.
I know that I can be "alone," although I REALLY don't want to be.

So I've learned a lot.

I do check in here from time to time, but at this point, it seems easier to focus on ME when I'm not connected to Infidelity. I don't want to define myself as a victim of infidelity. Does that make sense? I need to escape that label. For so long, that's ALL I was, that was the only way I thought of myself.

That's not all I am anymore. I can connect with other people (IRL) around other shared experiences: parenting, work, shopping, eating, faith....

I hope this makes sense. I'll keep lurking and checking in from time to time, and several people have my email.

I had a great weekend and decided that the band-aid approach to signing the papers was good. The driving was very questionable, but it kept me on my toes and didn't allow my thoughts to wander to sad places. And it wasn't boring. The visit was great. The boys had a blast, and I enjoyed spending time with my sister in which the primary topic was NOT WH. Instead, we gossiped about our other sisters and our mom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And ate WAAAAY too much chocolate cake.

Love to all,
Sis

I HATE RT too .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is so wonderful to see you moving on up...que The Jefferson's theme song.

Although you won't be posting forever...promise to let us all know when turdville finally does explode.

And happy late birthday!

Hi Sis!
You sound great, and you really have done much more than survive..you are thriving. You're truly living your life again, enjoying moments with friends and family and facing each moment as it comes, that is the definition of success!

Happy Belated BD Sis! Girl, I have NO worries WHATSOEVER about you. You have come out of this smelling like a rose. There are only good things in store for you.

(((Sis and the boys)))

LilSis:

Hows it going.....

All that chocolate cake didn't make it impossible to type did it?

However, maybe all that snow is squeezing the electrons out of the cable, and not allowing you to use the internet....

LG

LilSis:

Good Luck in your travels!

LG

Sis,

Just dropping in for a quick bomb,,,,,

I was at the car dealership yeterday to schedule a recall repair on my car. While standing in the shop, I saw a car with the licence plate "Lil Sis"! I took it as a sign that I needed to definately check in on you.

I was glad to see LG had bumped up your thread!

I understand about keeping focus on you, and that keeping off the board can help. Give us an update when you can and know that we all think of you often.

You ARE everything you listed in your last post and MORE!! I am so happy that you realize that yourself!

{{{Sis}}}

Hi everyone...thanks for checking in. I do drop by and lurk from time to time.

There's not much to say anymore, either. I am so busy and exhausted. Each day is like a marathon; starting with taking one kid to school at 7:15, then another an hour later, getting ready for work, going to work, leaving to pick up a kid from school, dinner, homework supervising, dinner, mediating disputes, trying to shoo the kids off the computer and TV, dishes, mediating more disputes, and getting the kids off to bed.

And those are the nights when I don't have something going on...CCD, meetings, a support group, poker; last night the boys and I went to the hockey game with a group from work.

The life of a single mom. Not really worth sharing, is it?

So what's up on the infidelity front...

The waywards are still going strong as far as I know (and I know virtually nothing, but I might as well assume they are). RT and her kids hang out with the boys on their weekends with Mr. Wonderful. (That's my new nickname for him, I think, not to be confused with Mr. Wondering)

There have been a few very minor tiffs, but nothing notable. Remember how I brought some RT hand me downs to Goodwill? XH evidently noticed, because he was pressing me (via my sister) to return the clothes that he had sent the kids home in. He has never asked about clothes before--clothes just go back and forth without incident. I don't even pay attention; I couldn't tell you where a particular shirt is; it could just as easily be in the pile of dirty clothes, or still in the dryer waiting to be folded, or in the stack of folded clothes that have yet to be put away.

So it was interesting that he was so insistent that he get back a particular sweatshirt.

My sister didn't respond at all to his inquiries about the clothes--it's so stupid that it's not worth a response. Then one day a couple of weeks ago, he dropped the boys off and asked about the clothes (to the boys, as I am still pitch black), so I went up to the dresser and took out every single shirt that I didn't specifically remember purchasing myself and gave it to DS12 to hand to his dad. It was a good-sized pile. These kids have tons of clothes.

Evidently XH took the time to look through the pile. I heard him ask DS in a whiny voice where this particular sweatshirt was, who of course had no idea.

It is really sort of funny. A shirt?!?! You have time to obsess over a missing shirt? Get a life. (not that I don't obsess over stuff, too, but I have a better excuse. Ha!)

Couple of other back and forth things regarding vacations. He informed me of when he will be having the boys (rolling my eyes) and asked about when I wanted them. My sister replied about two weeks ago with details, but has not had a response yet. She actually re-emailed it over the weekend, thinking he might not have gotten it. Also, Easter was his holiday this year, but he was working, so he asked the kids to ask me if they could just stay with me. (DS12 hates being the go-between, and had even told XH that Auntie B had emailed him)

Easter was one of the items that my sister had addressed in her email.

So how am I? Pretty good. A little more reflection lately...probably because I am so tired, and it makes me a bit vulnerable. But I just let those feelings be felt, and then move on.

I might be getting to a new phase: sadness over whatever it was that caused a good man to go bad. I'm sure now that it had much to do with the job, and some of the really awful things he experienced in the period of time just before the A started. A couple of suicides to which he was first responder; a SIDS baby. Add that to just the increased cynicism and hypervigilence that comes with the territory...it just took its toll. Wore away at him until he became someone that I couldn't recognize.

This doesn't excuse it at all, but it helps me to frame it in a way that will somehow help me to heal.

I know my heart is still broken, and that it will take a looong time for it to get patched up to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore.

So no dating for me...not when I know that I have a broken heart. Not that there have been any opportunities, anyway. I work with 20 women. No guys.

Most of all, I just wish that XH and I could reconcile our relationship. Our marriage is over, and beyond the point of no return. I know this. But I long for the animosity to be gone from my life.

Sadly, it won't be...not when he refuses to take responsibility, not when he continues to act like a jerk, not when he acts justified. Not without a sincere request for forgiveness.

It feels like a stone in my shoe, you know? I wish I could be rid of it. I'm forming a callous, but it's just an irritation, and sometimes I step on it funny and it will really hurt all of a sudden.

This makes me sad. And it feels like unfinished business. However, it is out of my control.

I gotta go...the marathon begins.

Take care all...
Sis

Hi, LilSis!

It's been a long time since I posted to you, but I've been thinking about you.

You sound good, although I'm sure you must still have your "moments". It's not easy being a single mom.

I've been thinking about "Mr. Wonderful"; about how he apparently felt he could never measure up to his brothers, so he remains a cop while hating being a cop.

Next, I thought about you. You are, from your pictures, a lovely woman, in addition to being a loving mom who loves her home and family, and who also has an apparently satisfying career in which you excel.

Then, I thought about RT. I think you said she was a teacher; yet, she now works as a waitress in a coffee shop. She was married to an attorney (successful one?); yet, she had an affair with a cop, who is considerably lower on the pay scale.

So, LilSis, I may be all wrong in my thinking, but it looks to me as if they both traded down; could it be that neither of them felt they measured up to their respective spouses? Could that be what drew and keeps them together? Maybe, they each secretly feel a little superior to the other, and maybe they each felt a little inferior to their respective spouses.

Anyway, that is all of no matter now. What is important is that YOU take care of yourself and your boys. You have fought the good fight, and although you did not recover your marriage, you have emerged from the cocoon of your former marriage as a bright and beautiful butterfly. You are a much stronger person today, and someday, when you least expect it, you will find love again...with a man who appreciates you and does his best to deserve you.

Take care.
LC

Hey everyone!
I'm doing well. Just thought I'd check in because


wait for it


I have a DATE tonight!! Well, drinks. Does that count?

A co-worker of my friend and former intermediary LK. We've met a couple of times but a couple of weeks ago at LK's 40th we ended up at the same table and cracked each other up the whole night.

He's a mere child at 33, no kids, never been married.

Anyway...other than that...same old same old. WXH is still a total jerk; refusing to set a summer schedule because he is "tired" of going through the third party (my sister). As if that should immediately compel me to communicate directly.

After two months, I finally did a calendar and had big sis tell him that since he had not responded to repeated requests for input, this is what I am planning for summer; if he didn't like it he needed to communicate such to her.

WXH and RT are still oh-so-happy.

I believe I have reached the conclusion that what bothers me most now is not that I no longer have my husband, it is that I no longer have the idealism that regular people do not hurt--with great abandon--people they "care" about.

Because, truth is, I'm better off without him. I'm so much more ME now, and I am beginning to have a clearer perspective on the way that he treated me even during the "good times."

The boys are well; more and more resentful of RT and kids, but both seeing a counselor, who is great with both of them. We have regular attic picnics and already have tickets for a Thursday afterschool showing of Indiana Jones. I'm up to my eyeballs in work and keeping hearth and home intact.

Anyway...gotta run. I'll try to check in again more often. I couldn't even remember my login stuff. Yikes!

SIS !!



It Counts!!

Great to hear from you!

Sis!!!! It is so great to hear from you. You sound so awesome, no longer the walking wounded.

Your story is such an inspiration to others. Thank you for the update.

YOU are in recovery, personal recovery. Keep up the good work.

Fox

Sis,
You sound good, girl! We were all thinking about you, hoping you were well. 33!!! Yowza!

I wish I could go to see Indy with my boy. Looks like PWC will be taking him instead as it is his weekend . DS's birthday is Friday. He's going to be 6. The years just fly by, don't they? Scary. That means I'm getting older too.

Good to hear from you!

Glad to hear you are doing well, Sis. Thanks for checking in. And good luck!

LilSis the "COUGAR"!!! You go girl! ENJOY! Good to hear from you!

Mrs. W

Yes, you are. It's funny how distance can give you that perspective. Hopefully your words can rub off on a few BS aroundf here that seem to think the sun rises and sets through the WS.

I am happy for you Lilsis.