June 26 was officially the worst day of my life. I found out through phone records and MySpace message logs that my wife of 5 1/2 years has been having an EA for the last 8 months with an old college boyfriend. It managed to carry on so long without me noticing, because a majority of the time she has been on tour.

When I confronted her about it, she confessed that she has feelings for him, and when I asked her to stop talking to him she said she needed to see him first to find out if she truly loved him. She has said though that she is willing to try and work things out between us.

Thank God I found this site the next day! A glimmer of hope. She said she is willing to go through all the basic steps and work toward getting her emotional needs met through me. Considering the distance, this site and its information seems to be my only hope as we can't see a counselor while she is on tour. I am worried though that the OM will do everything he can to undermine this process if he continues to communicate with her. Through conversation with her it sounds like he is actively trying to break us up. He has her doubting the last 5 years of marriage and is whispering poison in her ear every time they talk. I can confirm the stickied post are right. It is like talking to an alien!

My next step at this point was to follow plan A. Also, I think I might be able to persuade her to not talk to him for a limited time. She is coming home to visit in a little more than a week, and I was thinking of asking her to not talk to him again from today till after she leaves home again. Is this a good idea? Also any, any help would be greatly appreciated. I am in such a bad way. It feels like I died in my sleep one night, woke up, and was living in my own personal ******.

Thank you all.

She says she is willing to work on M, but also says she needs to see him to see if she truly loves him? That is called cake-eating and it is not "working" on your marriage. Regarding talking her into not talking to him while she is home: Remember, she is an alien. Aliens lie. She is very likely setting up a meeting with him while she is at home. She will lie to you and keep it a secret meeting.

You need to immediately find out all you can about this guy. Where does he live, is he married, who does he live with, does he have children, where does he work. Get going, you can not bargain with an alien. You can not let her run this show.

Read the 'carrot and the stick of plan A' It is posted numerous times on the Infidelity General Questions forum.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you have to be here, but it is the best place to be under the circumstances!
Lake

lake53, thank you for your response.

I know a lot about him already. Fortunately, he doesn't live in the same state we live in. He still lives in the state where we went to college some 1500 miles away.

Should I post the specifics that I know here? Of course not naming any names.

I will read the "carrot and stick" immediately.

Remember, airplanes fly 1500 miles and hotels are available everywhere. Also, remember that this may still be an EA right now, but all of the carrot and the stick applies to both EA and PA. Especially because she is already talking about her possible "love" for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yes, find out all you can and post some of it here so we can help you. IE, is he married, does he have kids, does he have a girlfriend, does he have mutual friends with your wife, etc. You need to find out quickly who the potential exposure targets are. Because that is what you are doing, you are developing a plan to expose this affair--just as described in Pepperband's excellent thread on the carrot and the stick of plan A.

Do not get any of your intelligence from your fog-driven wife, get it on your own.

I did not have to go down this exposure road so I am not the best person to advise you in this area. but I have read many posts on this site and know there are sharp cookies like Pepperband and Melody Lane and others who will help you.
Lake

Exposure targets are going to be hard in the OM's case. He is in the military, did a tour in Iraq, and is being redeployed in October I believe. He is uneducated, unmarried, has no kids, works as a waiter, and lives alone. He is also an alcoholic and seems, from what my wife told me, is suffering from PTSD. (These are facts and not just my anger coming out.) Oddly, he is strikingly my opposite.

There are wide open exposure targets on my wife though. I have a very, very close relationship to my in laws, and my brother in law is one of my best friends. In almost all situations requiring advice she would normally talk to him, but she says she is too ashamed. These targets I consider last resort as me going to my in laws might cause a rift of immeasurable proportion.

Update: Plan A is going very well so far. I know her main need is conversation and after reading the conversation tips on this site, we have been having some great discussions for the first time in months. Furthermore, she has been ignoring his phone calls. I probably should be careful about getting exited about this as I am not sure how much I trust what she says right now. That fact makes me sad, because of how much I used to trust her.

lake, I moved my thread to the plan A forum since that is where I am at right now. Thank you so much for the advice you have given me so far. Here is a link to the need thread:

New Thread

ImTerrified,

My H had an EA, too.

I'll check out your other thread.

Ace