What's up with you?

What makes you think that you can just swing in and comment on pics?????

There are GODDESSES out here with eyes on you!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hu?

GEORGIA Guy is Formerly G.G. who just posted on the PHOTO THREAD...an oldtimer here..long story...

Well....I thought I'd come back from the dead for a bit!

Good Morning to all...(there, how's that for a bit of nostalgia?).

It is bittersweet to stop by and read postings from the new folks who are having to start afresh where so many of us have already been. Sad in many ways, but encouraging that they are receiving encouraging words from wise hands who've BTDT.

All in all, I am doing very well thank you.

I still teach the H.S. kids S.S. class at my church and have gotten really close to some of the kids. They are a great group of kids and I love them a lot.

My pastor resigned and took another church about a month ago. That has been a big hit in my life as he was my best friend (and accountability partner) as well. He and I still talk from time to time.

I have been dating a local (well..about 30 miles away) lady since January. She's been a real blessing to me. A very, very strong Christian woman that is a real down to earth type. We have a wonderful relationship. She has been DV'd 9 years, her H of 20 years left her for another woman. She has 3 grown (and married) kids and 5 gk's. All live locally.

I have continued battle my diet issues (which I now seem to be winning) and play racquetball every Monday night. I have lost 10 pounds and been able to get off of my cholersterol (Zocor) med as well as BP med (Norvasc). For the first time in about 5 years I am totally prescription free which is really, really nice (and I feel a lot better).

My Saab died an untimely death and was replaced by a BMW convertible (used, of course).

My dad (90 y.o.) fell about a month ago and injured a rib. However, the trauma seemed to totally overwhelm his mental state and he lost all concept of reality. Two days after the accident he didn't know my mom (or me). She had to put him in a nursing home and that has been very hard for her.

There...a very quick recap of a few highlights.

Oh...I don't think I've posted since my last conversation with xW (in Feb.) who told me that her R with OM#2 was "no big deal". sigh...

Georgia

Sounds like things are going JUST FINE AND DANDY, Georgia...

Thanks for catching us ALL up on things....

CC was asking about you...

Hope she pops in for a visit as well..

I will always appreciate the advice you have given me on helping me to understand my H...

I still struggle with NOT BEING CRITICAL but you are SOOOO right about that, Georgia....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I hope CC is doing well...it would be nice to hear how things are going.

For any who have struggled with the "understanding your H" issue, let me relate a recent incident that made such a huge impression on me.

I was given an opportunity to transfer to Illinois and take a job within my company that I would find very attractive. At the same time, I was approached about a job in San Antonio that would allow me to split my time between GA and TX. Or..third option...stay right here and keep doing what I've been doing. However, there is a risk that my job here may be eliminated later this year.

This was a huge burden for me for a few weeks. Of course, June (I'll call her) and I discussed this, as well as prayed about it together.

Just before I got ready to go to Illinois for a week for a discussion about this, June told me the night before I left:

"Georgia, I believe in you. I know you will make the right decision."

Wow..that just blew me away when she told me that! That was one of the most encouraging things I've heard in years. For her to use the words...I BELIEVE IN YOU....man, that was powerful. I later told her how much I appreciated that and how much that meant to me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get across to any GODDESS's who may wish to listen is how important it is to your H to know YOU BELIEVE IN HIM!

Georgia

You know it is so easy for us women to say this to others, but so hard to say it to our significant other for some reason.

Does this fall under admiration? I read that one of the greatest needs men have is to know that their ideas are valued.

I told my fiance' one time after he had spent a lot of time helping someone down in New Orleans "I am so proud of you", not really thinking it would mean so much to him, although I was immensely proud of his altruism.

Anyway, the next day he told me that no one had ever said those words to him before, not even his parents, and he was on cloud nine all night. He said they almost brought tears to his eyes.

It takes so little to bring so much to someone.

Who would have thought that hearing the words "I believe in you" would have such an impact on you, GG.

Thanks for sharing that.

Weaver..yes, I think it is exactly ADMIRATION. And, at least for me, it is impossible to overstate how important that is to a man.

I know that there may be some who would say they DON'T admire their H...and couldn't truthfully say those words to him.

But, in those cases I would refer them to Eggerich's book (Love & Respect) which makes such an excellent argument for someone "breaking the downward cycle". I realize a W may have to LOOK for something to ADMIRE in some cases...but I would say to her to find something and begin the process of ADMIRATION. (i.e. - "Dear, there's not another house on this street that has it's garbage set out as efficiently as you do. I really ADMIRE the way you are so RESPONSIBLE to take care of that!).

Anyway, you get the point.

Speaking on behalf of MEN everywhere....we need to be ADMIRED! (or at least RESPECTED!).....

Now stepping down from my soap box and going to eat lunch....

AHHH..."LOVE AND RESPECT" by Eggerichs...that life-changing book for me that confirmed everything that Georgia had been telling me..the book I read out loud to my H and he agreed with every word..and him saying "I've been trying to tell you this stuff...

A highly recommended book for those with men with ADMIRATION as their number 1 need...

Mimi,

We learn something similar in our management training seminars, where if you can't catch someone doing something right than YOU are not doing your job.

It's like the 1/20 rule - if you ever (and this should be very rare) feel you must criticize someone, you had better make sure you have found 20 things to praise him for first.

I am leaning so much about E/N's because I really want to have a good marriage. The concept is still hard for me to grasp about the needs being something another person has to meet for you, and I haven't totally got it donw like others on here...but my mind has been opened to it (finally). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I agree completely. I don't know about most men, but I do know for me believing the person I love is proud of me is sooo important. Having them say it to me, especially out of the blue, would put me on cloud nine for a while. I hope you let her know how much it meant to you.

What freaks me out is how INGRAINED behavior can be that is learned in childhood. As much as I know that my H hates for me to CRITICIZE him, it is soooo hard for me not to do it because CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE..me coming from such PERFECTIONISTIC PARENTS and me being sooo PERFECTIONISTIC..YUCK....



Why is it hard for you to grasp, Weaver? It starts in childhood..like your daughter NEEDING for you to NURTURE her..same in ADULTHOOD with those we LOVE..except we are supposed to be OPEN AND HONEST about OUR NEEDS...and to not EXPECT our partner to JUST KNOW..like our parents were supposed to JUST KNOW how to take care of us. I had this light bulb moment about this yesterday, realizing that alot of this does come down to NURTURANCE. My H loves for me to FEED HIM and to TAKE CARE OF HIM...and the same with me..I want him to ATTEND to me and to TAKE CARE OF ME, basically...MAKE SENSE?

Well, it is just hard for me to see that this is what makes a happy marriage.

I get none of those needs met when I am not in a relationship from another person and I am usually very happy.

I meet my own emotional needs.

I can't understand why if you should have sex every day if you don't want to.

If your spouse becomes disabled and can't have sex, are you going to be unhappy and unfulfilled for this reason?

What if they become maimed and don't look so pretty? Are you going to be unhappy because physical attractiveness is in your top 5?

How about if you can no longer work 100 hours a week to make $150K, and money support is in your spouse's top 5? Are you then responsible for you spouse's unhappiness?

This stuff is tough for me Mimi, as I raised to be very self-sufficient, and I expect that in others.

I'm trying to get it though.

MARRIAGE is SPECIAL..in a SPIRITUAL SENSE..like PARENTHOOD..like no other relationship..

GOD created your FIANCE for you and brought you together for some SPECIAL PURPOSE...that is not for you to FULLY UNDERSTAND...

I ordered that book. Thanks for the tip!

Is that a bad idea in Plan A that I just sent my H a TM that says "I believe in you." I don't want to be pushy.

Okay Mimi, but what about if I become ugly and his top need if physical attractiveness (which it is very high on his list, as is sex). Will he become unhappy?

Or if I cannot have sex because I get hurt?

Not if he can fullfill his needs in another, healthy way. Such as in finding beauty in my personality, my laughter. Right? Please tell me it is up to him to meet his needs if his spouse cannot (in a healthy way of course)

I luv you Mimi. You are the only person I actually enjoy seeing all caps shouting out to me in a post. Truely, you are something really special!

He fell in love with you because that is a top need and you are not likely to become ugly but if you DO, you'll find the best PLASTIC SURGEON that you can find. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If you can CONTROL the UGLY FACTOR, since you LOVE HIM and he is meeting your needs, you will do whatever you can to prevent this.

I wish you could have seen my grandparents when they were in their 80s. They were married 71 years before one of them died. My grandmother would put on her orange or red (depending on her dress color) lipstick (which she kept in her "pocketbook") and dress up in her "outfits" with hat and all when I picked them up to take them to their doctor's appts...SO CUTE..they would sit there and enjoy each other in the waiting room like they were on a date. Who knew what was so comical in a dr.'s waiting room?



Even quadriplegics..male and female..have sex...methods have been devised...erogenous zones are all over our bodies...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, there is just no arguing with you today Mim. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am trying to buy into it completely, and it may take us actually being married and living together before I can fully recognize the truth to it.

But I still think you have to be happy inside to begin with to have a happy marriage, and your spouse just can't give that to you. It comes from within.

Maybe it takes both to have a great marriage, the E/N thing and the happiness you bring with you to the marriage from within yourself.

You been married since forever, so you have first hand knowledge of what happens when you don't and what happens when you do, and it is this reason that kept me from totaling throwing into the garbage in the first place. Paying attention to the others on here who have been married for so long.

I would like to add an addendum to Mimi's earlier statement.

My Pastor helped me see how much the marriage relationship is really a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church. This point is also driven home in Eggerich's book to which we've referred.

Once that model is grasped and understood, then one is in a better question to answer the "what if" questions. Then we can begin to understand that it isn't so much a question of ABILITY as it is ATTITUDE.

In the same way that there may be a limitation as to how much each of us can do as individual Christian's, there also may be limitations to how much we can do for our spouses. I may not look like (choose one: Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, Tom Selleck), but what I can do is make sure that I understand I am going to look my BEST for my spouse (assuming that is one of her needs). Likewise, if left unable to be physical due to an accident, do I have an ATTITUDE that I will do what I can with what I have left to please my spouse?

And...when we are on the flip side (wanting our needs met), do we have an ATTITUDE of expectation that our spouse will do as we want, or will we see it as a blessing to be thankful for when they do meet that particular need?

In my view...it's not so much how good we are (or else we would all be in constant competition to keep our spouse from a competitor who is sexier, wealthier, prettier, etc.), but rather our ATTITUDE of SERVICE and HUMILITY to our mate that will meet those needs.

Wow...didn't mean to go on for so long.

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!! I don't think it's healthy to DEPEND on another person for your HAPPINESS...but your spouse ENHANCES your basic happiness by meeting your primary EMOTIONAL NEEDS...



EXACTLY..I agree with you TOTALLY!!

Actually, it was a MAJOR PROBLEM in our marriage..my expectation for MY HUSBAND to MAKE ME HAPPY..too much of a BURDEN for another person...and come to find out he expected that out of me...we are HAPPIER 'cause we take care of each others' BASIC EMOTIONAL NEEDS...NOW...