I have an appt with SH for Thurs. morning, I was trying to schedule an evening appt so that hopefully my W would be available but I thought I should get something sooner.

Not sure if my W would be willing to work it in to her schedule but I have included her in the correspondence and will speak to her this evening, I will not go through it w/o her if she feels that my talking alone would only bring one side to SH but I feel strongly that we need to do something fast, Before our banks go any further into the red.

Mine has not gotten into the red but I sense the longer I wait, Or the longer I try to see some engagement from my W that her bank will be depleted very quickly.

Its amazing how 2 people can fill each others banks when their hearts and minds are in the same place but also how quickly those deposits can turn into withdrawals.

I have had some bouts with negative thinking today but overall feeling better - I did have a scare though my work cell phone rang and I did not recognize the # and could not bring myself to answer (conflict avoider) out of fear.

It's not just in the M but I have been a conflict avoider for so long, It usually takes the form of avoiding conflict that all my internal strife spills over so I would guess that is something I really need to address.

Thanks Again

Well I moved over to emotional needs since my emotions have been running high and seeming like I have been out of control.

Had my session with SH and have a plan in place, My W did fill out the required inventories, Was unable to talk together due to her work schedule.

I did ask if she wanted me to postpone so we could get a better time for the both of us or so that she wouldn't feel this is one sided but I did keep the appt.

We did not spend much time on either of our relationships that occurred, Moreso that my W may be feeling hopeless again which affects her feeling safe and that I have to earn her safety first, Which would entail not expecting any committment from her long term - That I just ask for her participation w/o expectation.

I also contacted my EAP and awaiting a call to schedule something to help me with things including enacting a belief system change within myself.

Thanks Again for everything - I have gotten some other things to look at in the emotional needs section just wanted to keep things somewhat up to date here for those who have helped me.

SD, Jim anyone who would like to share their thoughts.

My eyes are open to reignition, Trying hard to stay away from talks - Just wondering what you think about W

A) Filling out the required inventories for my session w/ SH

B)She has accepted a 1 0n 1 with SH and asked me to schedule which I have.

Thanks

I think those are good signs, and I think you need to stop analyzing everything your wife does. Just calm down, follow the plan, and evaluate how things are going monthly, not every 5 minutes.

If you play golf, you've heard the expression "let the club do the work", right? Well, in this case, be thrilled she's agreed to go through with this, and "let the MB folks do the work".

They are specialists in this line of work, and have a knack for getting "through" to waywards and fogbounds. Your biggest challenge will be NOT approaching her with 1,000 questions about how it went. Let it be, and don't expect a miracle. Even with professional help, this will still be something you measure a month after, looking back.

Cudos for calling the Harleys! You will be getting the professional help you need! I hope it goes extremely well!

Well, WW has been in contact outside work with same OM.

I am unsure how to proceed, Did she want to get caught? She knows I would check her cell phone details, Bill was just posted.

29 min of phone time 2/3/08 - I have had 2 sessions w/ SH and an IC - WW has had a session w/ SH and he said it sounded like she was on board w/ the theoretical portion of MB but what do I do?

I'd confront her with this info. If she doesn't agree to NC and finding another job, it's time to take the gloves off again. I would call up OM and tell him to stop contacting your WW, and I would call up her employer and expose to them. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

Thanks Jim,
I felt that is what you would say, since I withheld last time out of fear but at every turn I was stonewalled.

We were at the brink of D, She asked me to come back and when I let her down in mid Jan I stood b/f my children and owned my mistake and steadfastly said I wanted us to remain the family we have been.

I only found this an hour ago.
I am choosing the emotion I deal with this from and it is of concern for the R/M and our family.

I am unsure at this point on confronting him, But this time I have greater power to do so, She stoppped D proceedings and wanted me to come home, I asked for and was given transparency, I felt she was committed to the M until mid Jan.

She also had her session w/ SH so she knows that there is a plan we can use, I am not turning my back on her or our children.

Again, She is either very very foggy or she wanted to get caught?

The worst thing is, She was talking with him around our children.



I mean NC means NC, I made the choice of not forcing her at the time to change jobs and I have to live with that choice - Right now I do have a choice and that is to stand for my M and family.

I am wondering if in some ironic way she wanted to get caught or was it too much for her to not cover her tracks better.

I will not let my emotions rule me this time, I am working from experience of my past failure at this and know what I have to do.

I believe that she thinks that I am taking all the blame once again for where we find ourselves but I have sensed guilt or something and it was the same as I saw early on in late 06 until I chose to go against all I had learned and made many mistakes.

There is much more to lose this time, For all of us and that should not be taken lightly by either of us.

I was wondering? Should I expose to WW my findings immediately or do I try to get another session w/ SH first?

I have been trying to think clearer this time and am unsure as to my approach - I am afraid though that she will read me like a book or that maybe she is reading here?

I doubt that she is reading here but would not rule it out.

If you can get her on with Steve Harley, do that, but if she is an active wayward, that won't do much good. It's certainly worth the try.

Well as I mentioned earlier, WW had a session w/ SH and I have had 2. All 3 sessions were since last Thurs. and she was supposed to fill out an LB questionaire and fax it.

After my session yesterday he asked to speak w/ her again, Either alone or as a joint session but independently and together if that makes sense.

She called him twice on Sun, Once for 4 min in the afternoon and once in the evening. Both times I believe she had our children w/ her although the afternoon call could have been when we were all home.

I emailed to get appt schedules for next week as W was going to be too busy this week to do so and also asked if they could relay the info to SH so that he could decide whether or not have another session w/ me first and relayed my findings.

IC seems to think that if I confront that I would look like the "growling bear" and suggested not although she is not familiar w/ MB principles.



She knows I have access to all that I things I know about and wonder whether or not this is a setup to see how I would react, just plain foggy or what.

SH said she seemed on board w/ the theoretical portion of what they discussed, When W came home last night she asked about my session - Gave her an overview and she asked whether or not he shared w/ me what he told her, I said we discussed so much that I wasn't sure what she was looking for.

Prodded her to tell me, She finally said that SH told her to keep her defenses up as she has been. Also started saying that M should not be this hard and I agreed but also asked when we were spending the 15 hrs it didn't seem hard and she agreed.

I am trying to do this right, I felt I have been making good progress with myself between IC and SH.

I did kind of set some boundaries last night, I mentioned that she may not respect certain things that happened and that I should have been aware of but that she could at least let me know when she wsa going to be late and that I feel I should be treated w/ a little respect as a human being - Did not do any good.

For the last few weeks and even though I added to things, I have been seeing the side of her that showed up when I first found out so I have been in a heightened awareness.

I had thought it was just anger or frustration but now wonder whether it was guilt.

As I said she must know that since things have been strained that I would be looking for things, Did she want to get caught, Foggy, Doesn't care?

A week or so ago, When I asked the kids if they felt the tension and they agreed - I explained that I said something to hurt Moms feelings and said I wanted a D, S10 asked do you? I said emphatically No.

They have both said they want us to remain together, Although there has been some tension between D12 and I and IC thinks she is aligning with her Mom.

Sorry for the length, Never thought it would get like this again.

Even if I did choose to confront, It would be in a caring way - Just saying that I know that she spoke with him and that all I have been doing (SH and IC) along with saying that it is my goal to remain M and to build the M we were working on and both wanted b/f the 14th or so of Jan.

dg, you are right where you need to be...in the hands of skilled professionals. I'm proud of you, and envious at the same time. How I wish my FWW would be open to counseling.

That, for you, is a very good sign! Keep us posted on your progress...

Post deleted by dg63

Sorry for another post, WW is sleeping on the couch now and refusing to work on the M - Says shes tired of getting hurt.

I mentioned that we should have done MC and I accept responsibility for not doing that when I moved back.

Asking for mediation, I refused saying I believe in the M and that SH has a plan and let him guide us, She says I have gone back on things and doesnt want to trust, doesn't want to be married, I did remind her that is not what she said in Sept.

Also said that we get MC and I will stay w/ IC that is how she can take my word, She also mentioned that she can't believe in herself b/c of her extensive history of lying.

I had to ask about calling him, Knowing I have (had) access to cell acct - She almost looked like she was agreeing.

I asked her if she wanted me to catch her? I think she wanted me to blow up but I didn't.

IC suggested that I was feeling sorry for myself, That I should look at it differently like I was in the position to feel responsible or in power of my emotions rather than feeling sorry or pitying myself.

WW knows I will not go to mediation, I said I would lose everything b/f I would agree to a D - Before I left her alone for the night I asked if she was still going to speak to SH - Said she would think about it so I will hold out hope.

If she doesn't talk to SH and agree to NC w/ OM and changing jobs, I would expose to her employer and disable her texting. Oh, and call OM and tell him to stay away from your WW. It is more powerful than a TM.

Thanks Jim,
I felt that was the best thing to do, First she is the account holder for the cell phone so I may have ruined future info but I felt I had to confront right away.

I have already sat down with both of my children and let them know that I do not want to break up our family and that I do not want the D, I did not I feel put their mother in a bad light and owned up to the things that would cause my W's feelings of hopelssness.

When I spoke individually to her I said your Mom wants me to give her a D - D asked are you? I said No that is not what I want.

Asked D of her feelings and I get the "I dont know" but when W and I have had other discussions D wants to be there all the time so I know she has an opinion.

Right now as expected W is bitter, Even though I asked for and was given transparency when we reconciled now checking on her is an issue.


Last night after finding that she set up texting on her acct we sat there and she said " I am not talking to him anymore", Started messing with her phone and she deleted his contact as I went back online and he was gone.

She went so far as to put an alias first of a womans name but the deeper I went I found his, And a new cell #.

W moved out to the couch, I cannot control that and won't try, Before I went to bed I asked about the session she was supposed to have w/ SH and she said we'll see so it was not an emphatic No.

I am going to try to do a Plan A again, This time w/o falling. I have an IC for me, Have spoken twice w/ SH.

During the time we talked last night, I point blank asked her if she wanted me to find out and sensed she did so that I would have blown up, I did not I expressed nothing but care and love for her and our family.

Her asking for mediation tells me that I am in for a long road .

I made it clear I do not talk D, I will make it hard for her to get what she is asking for, Although I have thought about saying if you want out so bad this time then you leave and see how you feel - I am not leaving this house until there is not a choice.

I am fearful a little but can't let that get to me, I have to look forward and do the best every day to make it hard.

At least I have practice not that I wanted it, I believe I have learned from my mistakes and will follow advice of proven methods.

Post deleted by dg63

Talk to HR and request a meeting with them in person. Tell them what your WW told you, that she had an emotional and physical affair w/ OM, and that he is still interfering with your marriage, and you want them to have no contact with each other. The stuff that your WW said about not having SF w/ OM is complete BS so that she can justify contacting her "friend" again. I wouldn't believe it for a second. Do you go to church? I would talk with your pastor about the situation. I would make OM's life he11, including paying him a visit with some friends of yours to tell him to back off your WW. Don't get physical, but a meeting in person might put the fear of God in him. I would also find out more dirt on OM and expose to him family/friends as well. This is why NC is so VITAL!