Well I have alwasy had issues with my STBX families. They "support" him in all of his decisions. From his first adultery to his decision to shack up with a skanky Ditchpig with 2 illegitimate kids.

But this takes the cake! DD and I have our profiles on Facebook. ANd lo and behold,DD found her cousins. And through their profiles, found WH's YS. Their mutual Aunt. She went to her Aunt's website and in the Family photos found a picture of WH and the Ditchpg4 with their arms around each other at her cousins's house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DD was devastated. But, being the fighter that she is, she emailed her Aunt and asked her to take off the pictures as the woman was not a good person and that her Dad is still married.

Just to back up a little bit. DD had asked WH to consider moving out of the skank's place and withdrawing the divorce and going to joint counselling with us. And he wrote back to say he would think really hard about that. Giving her crumbs of hope once more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

So DD told Aunt D that. And said that it was a betrayal of her own family because SHE is flesh and blood. And asked her how WH's other sister would feel if Aunt D support her XH and put pictures of him and his mistress on a Facebook website.

Well, Aunt D blocked DD and me. Then DD emailed her father asking him to ask his YS to remove picutre of his adultery partner. Here is what he said.

"Hi DD:
It has been very busy here. A lot of review boards for people that have failed portions of their training. We just sent one guy packing, because of cheating.
I don't know what to tell you about my sister and what pictures she has posted. I understand you think it as wrong, but you can not dictate what people can or can not post on the internet. I know that this is not what you want from me, but that is how I feel. And you are my flesh and blood!!

I have thought very long and hard as to what you have said. I will not be moving back to my old place, nor will I stop the divorce. "

So, once again DD is rejected for adultery partner. She wrote back noting that WH is firing someone for cheating and his cheating is worse than that.

To say that I am PO'ed is an understatement! And his comments about that he can't control what is on the internet isn't the issue. GRRR!!!!!

It was a test of his willingness to protect DD. To step up to show he understood how she felt about having a picture of her father with another woman in a fmaily photo while she is in not one photo.

imho, Dork rejected another opportunity to show care and respect for DD's feelings by refusing to step up and do such a simple thing. He has flatly refused to visit DD in over a year! So a crumb of any kind would have helped.

GRRR!

Opinions? Suggestions?

FAA
When was the last positive interaction between DD and STBXWH ?

Also, DDs request to her Dad was asking him to protect her feelings. When did he last perform any action whatsoever that was primarily designed to protect DD from hurt ?

Why do you still carry a candle that this critter will rediscover his decency when there hasn't been a clue of that for years now ?

FA-A, this is not what you want to hear, but your STBXH has a valid point.

You may not like what the YS has done, but it's her right to do what she chooses, and neither you, nor STBXH, nor DD, has any right to insist that she do something else.

Your STBXSIL has a right to her own relationship with her brother and his GF, infuriating as that may be. To expect her to pass a test of loyalty to your DD on your DD's terms is unreasonable.

Your DD has a right to tell her aunt of the pain caused by the sight of the photo, and she can respectfully ask that the photo be removed, but she has no right to demand or indeed expect that the aunt comply. Calling the OW a slut may reflect your DD's opinions exactly, but the aunt can form her own judgement. Think about this; she may have been able to feel sympathy for your DD's distress, but unable to join her in quite such blanket hatred and condemnation of the OP. If she does as your DD asked, and removes the photo, she's likely to feel that this demonstrates her concurrence with DD's venemous opinion of the OW. What would you expect her to do in that position?

To put pressure on her father to put pressure on his sister and to use emotional blackmail against him, is understandable, but it's a violation of several boundaries, which I'm sure you can help her to see.

FA-A, you are in the process of a legal divorce from your WH; at some point DS may have to confront the situation of her father being married to whichever OW he is currently with, and it may well be this OW. In that case, there are likely to be many unwelcome pictures of the couple for your DD to deal with.

Perhaps your energies would be better directed towards helping your DD to separate her legitimate sense of anger and betrayal, from the actions they prompt her to take? And to work with her on the concept of boundaries? She has undoubtedly had unfair treatment at the hands of her father, but the tragedy would be if she learned to do the same herself.

TA

I've got to agree with TA, FAA.

You know how I feel about you FAA, and that I don't want to hurt you, but I think you really need to find a way to keep DD away from this drama and make her understand that her dad just isn't capable of being what she wants him to be right now. He just does not have it in him right now.

Sometimes we have to except that people don't care for us in the way they should, even our parents.

She needs to be distracted from this drama somehow. She should be enjoying her young life and being totally caught up in teenage stuff, not trying to get her dad to come back home and breakup with his AP.

(((((FAA)))))

I have nothing helpful to add... but can I use the word, "Ditchpig?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate and understand your pain...

JinGA

Hi BP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The last positive interaction? Too long ago to remember.

And yes, DD was asking him to prove that he respected her feelings. And of course he failed. Which is ALL that I am venting about.

His neglect of her makes my Mamabear come out is spades!

I do not expect any change. I am beyond that. Carrying a candle? No I don't. My hope for a miracle is extinguished.

Hi, TA. I most vehemently do not agree. The point I am making is that a normal, i.e. as caring and respectful parent does protect their child. Whether that is to physically or emotionaly protect them. WS or not.

And TA, under no circumstance will I or my DD ever legitimize his adultery. Whther it turns into an Affair Marriage or not. That is not what we beleive in. It is an affront to our beliefs. And was to WH before he was a WH.

While that may be too hardcore and most certainly not a conciliatory, easy or popular boundary or belief these days, it is what we beleive in. I would no more condone, or enable any A Marriage and most certainly my own.

As far as my SIL is concerned, she is most certainly entitled to her opinions and it is only a by-product of his own warped upbringing. The point is that WH could have easily resepctfully asked his YS to take the pictures down. Out of resepct for the fact that it is hurtful to DD.

And as far as boundaries of DD's she has them firmly in place. WHich is the point.

THere is a quote that we live by:

"Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character. Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it."

And that is what we believe. And confronting this type of behaviour head on may be unpopular and most certainly difficult. But it is the right thing to do. I stand by that. And I admire DD for being strong enough to do so. An injustice whether done to her or someone else is enabled if people shut up about it.

Hi Weaver. I support DD in her confrontation of this. And I understand why she is making this last ditch effort to reach him. After the D is final, there will be no contact. That is her decision and has been the enitre time. This is not a decision she came to lightly. But please remember that she has dealt with WH serial adultery for almost half her life. ANd he has broken every promise to her to seek help and never repeat the intial betrayal.

So another month or two at most and the peace we have been craving will be ours.

She gets that SIL can do what she wants. It was her father she was testing. And who failed yet again to be a father.

Hi JinGA. PLEASE! Feel free to use Ditchpig. If you do a search, you will find my explanation and discussion on what it means to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Very useful term imho.

And thanks. I have really asked myself the right questions. I asked what I would do if I wasn't afraid.And I have done that. And so has DD. Neither of us will cower in some corner while we get this A [email]cr@p[/email] shoved in our face.

Not going to happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From one Canuck to another - cheers!

JinGA

Well then FAA, another month and you can both leave this idiot in the dust.

And we are soooooooo on countdown! I can feel the calm. It is within our reach.

I guess for the MBers that aren't familiar with this far too long battle, I guess I should say that hardheaded as I have been. Hard as it was to convince me that Dork is not the man I married or is anyone that I even like or resepct, I am beyond that.

The only shocks are consistenly unpleasant ones where he engages DD in another time of him giving her false hope. And me allowing that to push my buttons because I loathe what that does to her when he breaks her heart over and over and over again.

We BOTH deserve so much more. I have asked myself if there is anything WH could do at this late date to get back to us. And I can honestly say only is he moved a mountain or ten. And since his actions scream that even crumbs for DD are out of the question the answer is a resounding He!! no!

My suggestion ...

read this *HERE*

and remember .... a snake is a snake ... so don't hope the snake will one day behave like a fuzzy-bunny

WOOHOO! A Canuck. We have to watch out for those gun-toting Texans ya know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Not mentioning any names. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well I'm a transplanted Canuck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I defected south LOL!

Not in Texas (I know your reference was to someone else), but I sure do know what a redneck with a gun rack looks like <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I love it here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Pep! lmao. Always straight to the point no BS allowed. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

*removing my wedgie with a ladylike furtive motion*

Pickin' your seat for the game?!

JinGA

FA-A, I understand your anger at your WH's behaviour. But there's no point picking a battle over something where your argument is shaky.

Your WH presumably is in the company of OW on many occasions when photographs might be taken. There is no way that he can prevent those photos from being published in a wide range of media; your STBXSIL is only one possible channel. The very fact that he is publically in company with OW makes that a possibility. Even if his sister were to take those shots down, there is nothing to prevent a third party - even one that your WH does not know - from posting shots of the two of them together, that your daughter might stumble across. Having SIL's pictures removed from the website would be a gesture of compassion, but it would not, ultimately, solve your problem as presented.

I think that what you and your daughter really feel is hurt that the relationship is being accepted and endorsed by his family. But the brutal fact is that, when the divorce is through, that relationship may well be legally legitimised. This is not the same OP that was involved when you and he separated, I believe? So his family may not see this OP as being the source of your daughter's painful situation, and they may not see this relationship as being adulterous in the same way that the first two were. That's not your view, but they are allowed to have theirs too, yes?


Pep's message is that it's pointless to keep wishing that someone else will behave according to a standard, when they have shown no signs of obeying that standard before. You'll just keep being disappointed and hurt. Your WH may be a snake, but he's half of your DD's DNA, so it's natural that she keeps wanting the snake to behave unsnakely. Chances are, he won't. YOU know that, but she doesn't.

For her own sake, she needs to reach a place where she can reject her father's actions, while not detesting her father. Unlike you, she sees him as part of who she is - she's linked by blood and genes. To loathe him is, to some degree, to loathe herself. Can you help her find a way to some kind of balance and peace?

TA

I disagree.

It is entirely possible to loathe DNA parent(s) without self-loathing...

[To loathe him is, to some degree, to loathe herself.

I disagree too. Its behaviour thats loathable not DNA IME.