OK folks... here's my question...

On Wed. July 4, our shop is closed, which means I get a day OFF! (WOOHOO!!!). XH also has a day off from his job. Since we both work a lot, including weekends at our shop, neither of us gets too many days OFF. However he's about to go on a 2-week vacation (starting July 7 I think, but he hasn't confirmed that yet - dates keep changing) and if you've followed my other thread(s), you'll know that I declined to let him take them on a 4000+ mile road trip to see his GF who left him in April to move home. Now he's going to fly out there instead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He could have chosen to take his vacation time and spend it here with the kids, or doing something *other* than taking them to visit her, but he's chosen what he's chosen and that is that. I do not have any vacation time, period. So the occasional stat holiday is all I am available to get - unless XH had chosen to use some of his vacation to cover me here so I could have some days off (Hahaha I made a funny!). XH did agree to cover for me for a few days at some future point TBA so I can fly home to see my mother at her expense - I haven't been back in 7 years since I moved here... but I digress...

He has not asked to take the kids that day. I'd like to go ahead and plan something with the kids - but when this type of thing has happened in the past, if he decides last-minute he wants to do something with the kids, I usually cancel my plans to let the kids have more time with XH.

I know you're going to ask what the decree says... it says alternate weekends and one night during the week (I don't have the papers here, I don't think it specifies the day), til 8:30 PM. Holidays alternate.

Now having said that, we don't stick to the prescribed visitation. I usually let him have all the time he wants with the kids, and I'm not anal about "whose" weekend it is. We both work weekends at the shop so it's a matter of where the kids are staying on a given weekend etc.

He has X weeks during the summer, which he never takes.

We live about a mile apart.

Right now DS is at XH's place, went there last night. DD is away at a friend's til tomorrow morning. She can join DS at XH's tomorrow night if she wishes.

I never force the kids to go if they don't want to - and both have declined to go now and then if they so choose, but I have always encouraged as much time as possible to XH with his children.

The long and short of it is: We have prescribed visitation in the decree that was meant as a protection of XH's rights in the event that we got ugly with one another - and that has not happened, nor do I foresee it happening. (I'd never interfere with his relationship with his kids, and we both know that). Neither of us argues about it.

However, I'm concerned that if I go ahead and plan to spend the day with the kids, he's going to call or email at the last minute on Tuesday, wanting to take them. I want to say NO. Not because I don't want them spending time with him - but I don't get a vacation or many days off, so I want to plan to have that day with the kids.

I have options..

I could email him now and ask him if he has plans, because I want to make some, and see what he says. (Leaves me open to being disappointed if I am seen as "offering" him the day)

I could email him now and tell him I'm making plans. (Which he might perceive as hostile since I'm being pre-emptive)

I could go ahead with my plans, and if he contacts me at the last second, say, "Sorry...you didn't speak up sooner so I have plans."

Or I could make plans, and cancel them if he wants them (don't want to do that).

I also thought of making my plans, and if he pops up at the last minute, tell him, "Well we have plans but you're weclome to join us." But after our talk last weekend I doubt he'd want to join us because he's been avoiding such situations because he doesn't want to give me false hope for our relationship. I could add a "no strings attached" disclaimer to that...

I'm doing my best to work Plan A with a 180. I'm trying to figure out which option fits best with that, without being seen as mean or manipulative etc. I *want* to have a day with the kids, since I get so few - but so does he. I also don't want to use the kids as pawns.

I haven't had a chance to ask the kids what they want to do yet, I might not see them both again til Sunday night.

And if I've missed a possible option, I'd love to hear it.

The bottom line is, I don't want to be stuck by myself on the 4th. If he'd asked me ahead of time about it, then I could have agreed to let him take the kids, and planned on doing something by myself (and I still could, I suppose).

I want him to understand that I'm not sitting here waiting for him to decide if he wants to do something with them - I'm moving on with my life with the kids.

Any suggestions?

JinGA

Of course he might not even want to take the kids and undoubtedly he'll be busy packing for his trip...

JinGA

Seems easy to me Jin. The above is fine. If he wants to join in great and if not he can do his own thing. I would email him the plans in advance and drop it at that point.

Jin,

If you are doing a 180, I would do this -



Because I doubt you have done this in the past. This would be a 180 for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And since he can't let you know in advance (or the kids) it is how it should be.

Be somewhat mysterious. Always attractive.

And I would agree with Hope normally about inviting him along especially in Plan A, but because you are doing a 180 I wouldn't invite him this time. Let's try to get him to start wondering a little bit.

Whew...

I was leaning towards making my own plans - have a few ideas already in mind... and if/when he springs it at the last second - because he *always* does... say, "Sorry".

And since he told me he had declined my invites to dinner/family stuff because he does not want to lead me on, then I will NOT invite him to join us. After all, he expressed that boundary, I *should* honour it, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's normal for him to opt at the last minute to take the kids - like I said we don't stick to a schedule. He doesn't tell, he *asks*, but last year when he and his GF were going on their big road trip (that I didn't allow him to take the kids on), on the day before they left, the kids' last day of school, I had plans to take the kids out to a last-day-of-school dinner - and when he popped up at the last minute, I canceled my plans because I knew they wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks.

Not gonna roll anymore. As of this minute I have plans. If he asks ... it's too bad. We're busy. And I won't be mean about it, rather I'll be cheerful, but matter-of-fact. He's got DS now, and if DD wants to go over tomorrow night she can, and they can come home Sunday night as usual. Not my fault he'll be gone for 2 weeks starting next weekend, right? He can spend extra time with them when he returns - as long as it doesn't conflict with the kids' obligations (band camp etc).

Thank you for validating how I was feeling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Good.

I know a lady who got her husband back by doing what you are proposing in your 180, after he moved out and filed for divorce.

In fact two ladies really, one did actually get divorced.

But in both cases the husbands were practically biting at the bit to get back with them because of the attractive behavious they displayed once the WS's left.

They were too attractive to resist. One planted beautiful flower beds outside (a total 180 for her) and everytime he would drive by she would be out working in the beds, looking very pretty and peaceful.

They didn't get right back with the guys the moment they showed interest or sleep with them. They really started playing like they were just getting to know the guys, slight flirting, somewhat hard to get...

Well you get the picture.

It's funny - a couple of people here (and one or two of my friends) have said that he'll become interested again when he thinks he's going to lose you "for real."

Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I did have a R after the M, I started my R just before he started his. He was jealous and all, but didn't come out and say he wanted to reconcile - not sure why, perhaps he thought it was too late, and the way I felt at that time - it was too late.

Maybe he's feeling the way I did... "too late"... since he's still clinging to his R with the GF. That R is dying a slow, painful death (it's painful even to watch).

He was jealous recently of a client whom he must have thought I was flirting with or something. I wasn't. The client is married with 4 kids and he's probably 10 years younger than me. We chat when he's here - but it's just a casual friendship. XH made a jealous comment, so shortly after, while speaking to the client, I referenced his wife. XH changed his demeanour right after that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Now he's all buddy-buddy with the client LOL!

Even the client noticed his jealousy, and the other day he told me that XH is no longer "pissy" with him - in fact XH went out of his way to help said client just last week. Go figure!

I'm finally learning just what the 180 means... in some ways Plan A and the 180 mesh nicely, and in some ways they conflict. I'm working to try to find the balance there.

But if it's true that he'll only get interested again if he thinks he's going to lose me "for real" - and I'm not interested in any other man or dating or anything like that... is "having a life" that much of a lure?

I inadvertently had a great 180 manoeuver day the day his GF dropped the bomb on him that she was moving away. He showed up at my house in the middle of the day (it was a Tuesday, I don't work til 4 and the kids were on Spring Break)... kids and I were out having fun (having a life!). He called to see where I was and whether the kids were with me. I was glad I wasn't sitting at home when that happened, for a bunch of reasons.

Anyway - I'm veering off topic... sorta. I need to rethink how I deal with many things. Like I said, I don't want to use the kids' time with their father as a tool - in this instance I have a precious day to spend with them, and I don't want to forfeit it.

XH knows that the kids and I go geocaching and such - I often tell him about some of the funny and interesting stuff that occurs when we're out on a hunt. Part of me wonders if he'd like to join the fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I won't ask him to join us.

When we spoke last week and I told him I hoped he'd want to come home some day - he was kind, but firm that he's not interested in that. Well, since his GF left him behind, and he's not interested in the family that is here before him, he can spend some good quality time with himself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

From now on all overt suggestions like this need to come from him. And this will take some time.

Have a great holiday Jin. I am going out of town for a week and probably won't be back on. I plan on having a good holiday too, but I won't have my DD as she is with her Dad. But it'll be fun still.

Thanks for the help, weaver! And ENJOY!

JinGA