I have been in a long term relationship for approx. 4 years. This past September we decided to end it. He met someone in the meantime and was sexually active. We have just recently decided to give it another try...Is it too much to ask (knowing her background) that he and I both be tested for STD's?

NO!

I think it would be a good show of trust to both be tested.
You can't be too careful these days.

I got tested post divorce for my own sake, not know what X was doing.

Diamond,

For your own sake, take the test. That was the first thing I did when I left my XWH. Thank God I was clean, it was still an agonizing year for me, I was tested for AIDS every 4 months for a year.

I agree with getting tested.

By the way,how have you been doing lately? What made you decide to retry with this man?

Thanks for the responses. It's been agreed by both that we would get tested.

AmericanBeauty,
We took about a 6 month break from each other and just decided to give it another try. I just can't imagine my life without him...We've been to counselling and seems we are headed in the right direction. Time will tell.

You won't be the first. You won't be the last. But, if either of you has had sex with someone else in the last 6 months, any postive results might be premature.....also, are you just testing for HIV or are you going to do testing for all the common STD? AIDS isn't the only one that can kill.

Cinderella,
I'm going to get tested for as much as I can. I had a bout with HPV back in September. Prior to that I had never heard of it - now it seems I'm hearing about it everywhere... I had been with this man for just a bit over 3 years and never had ANY problems until September. I had been married for about 18 years before that, again with NO problems. I just think even if being tested is premature, I would feel better.

When I first found out HE was with another person, I was greatly concerned and he stated that he would go and get tested. When I found out more information about who he was with, I consulted him and told him we both should go in and get tested - even though I had not been with another. I didn't expect him to go alone. Not sure if we are now on the same page...he's feeling like I am "demanding and controlling" him...not at all. It not only concerns his health, but mine as well.

Doesn't look like a very good outcome for us, as this has been an ongoing issue - his feeling that I'm demanding and controlling. I've opened up to him with the concepts and he feels like I'm "putting too much energy" into our relationship...not possible is it?

Yeah, these were my thoughts too - as I recall, this was the issue that caused you two to split up to begin with. So how do you try again if already have it resurfacing before you even started trying?

Also, I would ask you to think about the comment you made in another post, that you "cannot imagine your life without him". Personally, I think it's not a good sign to view a relationship that way, especially at the outset. You would probably be in a much better place if you could see a perfectly happy life for yourself without him, and then considered it as a bonus to have him in your life.

BTW, have you worked out all the other issues, especially regarding the house?

AGG

Hi AGG,
I was wondering, and looking forward to when you would appear and comment! :-)

I was actually hoping that our being apart for the 6 months was going to make us both realize what we had or could have had. I did miss him in those 6 months - but have since realized that being with him as of late has proven to be extremely stressful.

The house was diminishing as an issue for me, but has since resurfaced as he stated just a few days ago that he doesn't want me to bring any thing in as far as decorating goes. He seems to say one thing, then contradicts himself. This too has just come about on several issues. I can't believe he has been able to hide these flaws/red flags for so long.

I guess as far as my comment on not picturing my life without him...I have done so, just didn't want to give up on him yet and wanted him to be a part of my life if at all possible - but I feel (as in the past) that I have to or would be the only one giving. There seems to be no compromise on his part.

I guess I'm finally getting to the point where "enough is enough" and I'm 98% there while before I was not. There always seems (for me) to be the "right timing" issue and I feel that I have reached it to be able to let go.

Thanks AGG...

Hehe, well, I always lurk, and come out of hiding when I feel I can contribute <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I am sorry to hear that nothing (or at least not much) has changed with your BF, but it rarely does. People are who they are, and it is hard to change, unless they want to. Your BF does not seem to be all that willing to change, he has actually been quite consistent in that regard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

So are you not going to try again? Or you are, but are not optimistic?

AGG

I'm all about becoming a better person...especially since my divorce - I've figured out what went wrong and was determined to not let that get in the way of my next relationship (ignoring problems and "hoping" they would go away" - not being communicative.) I've read several self-help books and am finding that I am the best person that I have ever been...I've changed for me, not for someone else. But, if you have a partner who is not willing or able or wants to even begin to understand you, it's not going to work anyway. His statement that I was putting too much effort and energy in the printouts from this site, made me see that he is how I used to be...not wanting to admit that there are flaws in the relationship...just wishing them away. I'm not like that anymore. I realize that there are going to be issues that both need to work thru...but it takes a team and not just one.

To me, some of the "issues" we have had have been fairly minor. I'd hate to see how things were handled had they been larger...so, to answer your question, my heart hurts, but I know that this relationship with him is not the best for us and a permanent breakup is what needs to happen. Unlike before, I now know (or think strongly that I do) that I can still love him, just that we can not be a couple.

I think this is a fundamental difference between most of us MBers and "the others" - we MBers tend to want to understand things and keep a pulse on the relationship, and most importantly, are able to face our own "shortcomings" and try to work on them, while "the others" seem to say "this is how I am, take it or leave it, my way or the highway". I know I am oversimplifying; then again, your BF sounds like quite a bit like that. It's hard to mix one type with the other, because one (MBer) always ends up doing more work than the other. Not good.

I am glad that you saw the issues reemerge before you got involved again, that would have been much harder. There are many good fish in the sea, no sense going after one that already has shown himself to be less than good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG