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Joined: Mar 2007
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ok another update... wife is going to stay at her mothers tonight... says she needs a break from us to do some thinking... but its realy because Om is home now .. he was away for 3 months(works away) all she had with OM is EA talked to him for last 3 months on the phone.... and now she tells me she wants to see him to find out if the feelings she has for him are true feelings or when she looks at him all she thinks of is me and she cant go through with it... honestly how the heck do I put up with this bulshiit .... I am totaly back to square one again .. I cant eat and if i do I feel like throwing up..... and suicide is always in my head... I would never do it but why do I think like that? things where going good 2 weeks ago we did alot of talking and just cudling on the couch with a movie and she was kissing me alot more and telling me she loves me... and now he is home and she wants to see him to make sure she is making the right choice.

I explained the whole withdrawl thing to her and she kinda understands it..... I asked her just to make me one promise if she does go to see him to tell me first and dont do it behind my back.... I figure that I deserve that but she told me she cant do that.

is the pain I'm going through realy worth the fight... I realy cant imagine life without her... and she told me the same..... but she told me she never had feelings for anyone else in 15yrs only me and so what does this realy mean if she is able to have feeling for someone else.

I dont know what to do anymore I just want to give up on everything... her ... work... kids... house... I just want to dissapear.

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Miss,

Quote
she wants to see him to make sure she is making the right choice


She made her choice 15 years ago. How can you let her talk you into making this a contest like picking out a new dress? If you even pretend to listen to this hooey and worse yet, ackowledge that she has a CHOICE, YOU HAVE LOST ALREADY.

Please don't permit her to make you a willing accomplice to her adultery.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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I agree with Cymanca. I certainly wouldn't watch the kids so she can go be with her lover. And I would let her mom know that she is meeting her affair partner.

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thats the thing.. I realy cant stop her from seeing him.. she tells me she just wants to see him to see if they are true feelings for him... I told her if she see's him she is going to want to kiss him... and she said nothing!

I think i already lost her... she said if she comes back its because thats what everyone else wants.

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Do NOT enable her seeing OM in *any* way. Tell her mother - tell anyone who can help stop it.

And *please* - if you are thinking of suicide - please please please get help. Call a prevention line - get in to see your doctor ASAP. Anti-D meds can help this a lot while you sort out everything else.

Take care...

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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Om is from wife's step dad's family and her mom knows all about OM and she and I dont realy get along so she is all for it probly..... most ppl on her side of the family just tell her to do what ever makes her happy... it makes me sick

and as for the suice well I would never do it I have 2 beatiful boys that are my world ... but is it normal to think this way... I even think what i would say in the letter I would leave behind.

I have no way of stoping her from seeing him... there is a party at OM moms house sunday night and she wants to go.. she says its just a family gathering and OM mom invited her.

I dont have much of a chance.

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Well I never figured my XH would either - but once I found a scribbled "Last Will and Testament" he left for me to find, to let me know he was considering it. Suicidal thoughts should never EVER be taken lightly.

I think it's normal to feel hopeless and discouraged.. but you know yourself best - just don't ignore those feelings, and don't act on them - but DO see your doctor, OK?

Well if she insisted on seeing OM, I'd change the locks ... but that's not MB advice, that's just me.

Wish I had some real wisdom to impart.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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I already changed the locks... 3 months ago... and that didnt go over well... but I wanted to for my own privacy...

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So does she have a key now?

Point being - if she's choosing OM over you, make it stick.

This isn't a matter of her sitting on the fence weighing her options. She's clearly crossing a boundary with you, and if she decides to come back home again, will you allow it even if she won't go NC with OM?

If you don't enforce your boundary, who knows how many times she'll bounce back and forth.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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If you are planning what to write in your suicide note, I urge you to see your doc. I know you think your wife is a wonderful woman, and you don't want to live without her, but believe me, you will get through this and be happy again. There aren't a lot of good men around, and I'm sure you will do just fine - IF you are still alive.

I think I would let your wife know that you are tired of being one of her many choices, and that you took your vows seriously. If she wants to date, maybe the 2 of you should get a financial agreement in writing.

Does she work outside the home, or does she have a lot of time on her hands?

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ok thanx for the advice ppl... you guys are the best...

ok no she does not have a key now.
I want her back in the house so I can moniter her NC with OM ... if she is at her mothers.... I have no idea what she is doing... and if she is back in our house and has contact with OM then no I will not stand for that and she will have to leave.... but it seems to me she just wants contact with him once just to see how she feels then she will make her choice I guess... I will not pu up with her having contact with OM while in my house... and she knows that!!

and yes she does work... but what kind of finacial agreement? right now I have everything house, truck .. everything in the house.... she is just living at her mothers in a bedroom. I have alot to lose if it goes to court.

I realy dont want to go see my doctor ... the first time my wife left I told her I was having these thoughts... and she thinks it just to put guilt on her... but that is soo not it.... I know you guys told me before I would get through this and I did... so I will get through this again.... but maybe meds will help... I donno

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Get the meds. It is none of your wife's business what you tell your doc. That would be like someone purposely running you over, and then asking their opinion on what kind of medical treatment you should get.

You should be able to get anti-D's from your regular doc, and they will really help you feel good enough to keep up this fight. There are some that have sexual side effects - so avoid those, but many do not.

Your boys are depending on you to fight for your family.

Sounds like you are okay financially.

I'm just worried that you will lose you love for your wife. That is one of the dangers, and especially for men.

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thanx believer!! I just talked to wife tonight I droped our boys off with her... and things seemed good she was all smiles and grabing my face and saying how good I looked... I asked her if she was going out sunday night with me or is she going to the party were OM is going to be(its a long weekend here in Canada) she told me she wants to go to the party and doesnt think its a big deal cus everyone is going to be there and she is not going to be alone with him.... I told her if she goes there is no coming back.. I just cant do it anymore ... she said ok I hear what your saying and she just left it at that. .. so I guess this weekend will tell me alot about her choices then I will go see the doc. so I can get through this.

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Good job. She has no business going to the party. My goodness, she has a family, and husband at home. Did she get married very young or something? She doesn't sound like she appreciates her family much, or at least she is willing to risk losing everything.

Please do see your doc. The meds really help get through this stuff. Hopefully you and your wife will get back together. But if you don't, I promise you will never regret trying. Also our MB men seem to do quite well if they end up divorced. But let's hope for the best.

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MMW,

Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
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well it seems I am back to plan A to try and negotiate with her to have NC and so far she has stopped calling him for about 3 weeks now... but now that he is home I need to keep negotiating with her not to see him... and if she does then its to plan B

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How long have you been in Plan A? Watch for contact, because it is very likely that she will make contact with him. She will just lie about it.

It is hard with him being gone for months at a time because the fantasy never gets a chance to die.

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this is the 2nd time in plan A... the first time was 4mth ago so I went to plan B and it worked the fog lifted and she wanted to start talking again and come back... and now she is going throu the withdrawl stage I guess... so its back to plan A to try and keep negotiating with her to have NC.. its only been not even a week.. but tonight will tell I guess if she goes to that party where he is going to be .. then its to plan B

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If you have any thoughts of suicide...DO NOT let a primary care doctor prescribe ad's for you. That is a horrible plan. The rate of suicide after being on ad's is higher than not. Get to a psychiatrist and do not consider taking these meds unless you are being montitored by a psych.

Rdcognize that this stuff hurts like helll. Expect it... it is going to happen. If she wants to go to the OM and you can't stop her....go see a lawyer and send her asss packing. Bye, bye. Put the OM on notice that you will take any possible legal action against him...and have a lawyer send him a letter. A strong bluff here might scare him off to another poa... and that is what your wife is to him, a poa.

Seriously, you don't need this drama in your life. I don 't know your age...but let me tell you, if I wasn't a full time dad, I could go out on 7 dates a week. Believer is right....there is a shortage of men out there and you don't need to be wasting your time and energy on a woman that is not deserving of either.

Good luck.

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And MEDC is right about seeing a specialist. Thanks for catching that MEDC.

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