Hello all, just wanted to get some advice from all the generous and wise participants in these forums. It is DDay + 1 year and I am still having trouble completely forgiving my WW. She loves me very much and has made a great effort to make things right. I recognize and acknowledge this, its just that I still have much anger and resentment inside me.

I tend to have a love/hate relationship with her right now. There are times when I feel great about us and our future and then there are times when I have great doubt. She thinks that I do not recognize all she does to make me happy, because I bring up issues with her that upset me. She fails to see that although she makes lots of deposits to the love bank, she will later come and make a large withdrawal (sometimes exceeding the deposits) that upsets the balance of the R.

Ok so I know she really loves me and wants to build a great marriage, but I must ask if the desire and intent to have a great marriage is enough to actually create one. One must possess the actual abilities needed to meet their mates needs. One could have good intentions all day long but lack the capacity to actually implement the principles needed to create a stable and healthy marriage. For instance, if one partner in engaging in a self destructive behavior like alcoholism, it will be impossible for them to truley meet their spouses needs until they overcome their own inequities. This is my situation, she's an alcoholic and isnt ready to quit and doesnt want to have to never drink again. So she attempts to moderate but we always butt heads over this matter. Alcohol was one factor in the Affair.

On top of that there are some deeper underlying emotional/physcological issues that have surfaced in the last 1.5 years of our 5.5 year relationship. This was also a factor for the A. Some time ago (after the A) she began seeing professionals and even got on some meds that help her with her anxiety.

Sometimes I question my decision to be with her. She has respected the NC and even left her job, and I have complete access to her email and phone info, so I'm not concerned about that. She's given full disclosure and even told me when she once passed OM on the road(after NC was implemented). But the other day while attempting to be honest she admitted that OM had been on her mind lately and how this upset her, but that she still missed his friendship! The OM was a guy she had a real friendship with for awhile and decided to use him to have a last fling (twice) before we wed. She has always maintained the it was strictly a PA not an EA.

I'm 28 and we don't have any children, so I can't help but sometimes consider alternatives. I am feeling very confused right now and I hope others can give me a better perspective on this matter. To keep from making this too long I couldnt include every detail, so if you have any questions for me i will be happy to answer.

Rob

Hi Rob,

Welcome to MB but sorry you have to be here. I, too have been on this A-induced rollercoaster for a year this weekend. (As my sig line shows, however, I endured 3 more D-Days to 'celebrate' over the year.)

After reading Dr. Harley's books, these forums and articles, it's evident that you are correct in saying that your wife must overcome her alcoholism addictions in order for MB principles to work effectively. But it's not impossible and many posters should be able to give you thoughts to help both of you.

It's relatively slow on the weekends but stick around, read other threads and pages on this site in the meantime, and folks will offer help if you're patient.

Best wishes,

Ace

Ace,

Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure how you could have endured 4 DD's, my one was hard enough. I have learned alot thanks to this forum. I thank God for the Internet and forum technology, can't imagine how people long ago dealt with such crisis. Being able to reflect on others experiences and insights had helped me tremendously over the past year.

Question: Do you still feel anger and/or resentment a year later? If so, how do you deal with it?
Thanks
Rob

Rob (and I'm going to duplicate this post to Tech's thread),

I'm so sorry I can't post from work....can only lurk but I saw your reply and wanted to give my experiences to you and Tech.

Yes, I still feel anger and resentment. I deal with it by doing the following in no particular order (except for #1):

1) Prayer and trusting God in everything
2) Counting my/our blessings
3) Reaching out to help others via MB posting
4) Educating myself and acting on new insights
5) Focusing on changing things I have control over and not dwelling on circumstances beyond my control.
6) Trying to see 'the big picture' and not the trivial minutiae
7) Taking one step at a time and basking in the small successes as they evolve
8) Living as healthily as possible, eating right, getting rest, laughing at myself, paying attention to my appearance, etc.
8) Realizing I am my own captain of my ship
9) Being quick to own my choices and apologizing immediately when needed (or not)
10 Being open and honest with myself and my husband.

I realize that what works for me may or may not work for you. But the fact that you're seeking help is the start of your finding your solutions.

I'm sure others will help, too so be patient and keep asking.

Ace