Hi everyone,

I am not very proud of myself and my dating behavior since the divorce. I'm beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me. I am NOT the person I have been acting like. Without going into gory details, I have been moving far too fast with the men I have dated. I try to set limits on myself and then ignore them.

I think I need to not date for awhile.... 3months, 6 months, I don't know how long. Anyone else go through this?

Loni

i made mistakes, sure.
there were a couple that i saw red flags with right away and that was the end of that.

then there was a much younger friend i had. when my marriage ended it had been over 2 years since i had had sf. i ended up having sf with this friend thinking it would be ok, i longed for the closeness, etc.

well, it was not ok. i am not cut from that cloth of friends with benefits. i cried for 2 days afterwards and it took me awhile to get over it.

i decided to just work on me for a long while and then gekko came into the picture. we consciously decided to take it slow in all ways. it worked out so much better that way.

if you are setting boundaries for yourself and not able to stick with them then maybe you shouldn't date for awhile. you certainly don't want to become something you are not or something you don't like.

mlhb

Thanks MLHB.... you are such a sweetheart. I think that the devil is having a field day with me. And, I'm letting him. No more.... no more SF without a long term committed relationship. I want the real thing. I don't want to fake it anymore.

Loni

Loni,

I don't think what your doing is all that unusual. You aren't using the best judgement probably, but don't beat yourself up about it.

And yes, I tell all my friends (and myself), that if you realize you're making poor dating decisions to just step back and take 6 months off or whatever you think you need to get back on track. You can even tell the guys that ask you out that this is your plan. You'll be surprised at how many respect you for what you said and will call back.

Being the BS is hard on your self-esteem. It's easy to let yourself feel rejected and unattractive. It's weird to be divorced and totally unattached. Then there's that freeedom that you haven't had in a long time. You also realize you aren't such a loser after all. You've been a wife and a mom and sometimes you want to feel like more. The problem is that you end up leading people on. There are some nice guys out there, believe it or not. As you have learned, it's important not to get too involved physically until you're ready.

In my experience, the tables have turned. I'm old (early 40s). Back in our 20s and 30 it was the women who wanted to get serious and the men were running away. Now, it seems the men want more. Look at us. We have jobs, we have kids and many of us had husbands who ran around. Now we're just looking for fun with no work. It sounds easy, but it isn't fair...to yourself or to the guy.

Good luck Loni,...you've taken a big step just by recognizing that this isn't you. Maybe it was just a phase and it's over.

I am realizing that I may have messed up some good prospects with getting physical way too soon. I don't want to be that kind of woman anyway.

I have decided to make some limits that I have to stick to. One is to only have a kiss on the first date, preferably at the end. No SF until a real, committed relationship of at least 3 months. So far, I haven't had a relationship make it past the 2 month mark.

Loni

Hi Loni,

Not that I've dated much, but I found myself in the same boat. So, I'm taking a bit of a break, I suppose. I'm not actively looking, but I'm not opposed to anything should I stumble upon it.

I think making limits is a good idea. I find I'm not good at enforcing them and I don't know how to improve that. Hmm.

Loni,

3 months minimum is a good plan. It's funny you mention 3 months. I went out with a guy once who had been single longer than I had and we got into a hilarious discussion about dating after D. He said in all seriousness that he waits at least 3 months too.

You might want to wait even longer if it's someone you didn't know at all before you first went out with him.

Hi.... so far, so good. I went out last night with a new person. We went out on a lake to watch the fireworks. It was really nice and I ended the evening with a hug and kiss on the cheek. I had a little bit of help being good since I didn't feel that much chemistry with him. So I can't say I'm being strong yet or not.

Loni

I have decided that I should consider not dating for 3 months. I want to get more in shape and less in pain.... I just need to find things to do to avoid boredom and loneliness

Loni

How about gardening? Or my favorite: WoodWorking!

Make some new cabinets, Furniture, etc...

Hi WTF..... love hearing from you. I have soooo much to do. I am actually starting a membership at the Y so I can work out and become a "hottie"....lol. I am also organizing my whole house. But, sometimes the loneliness gets pretty bad. I have become friends with someone who's wife left him after a very long marriage. We aren't interested in dating each other, just want to be friends and support each other. So we could hang out and keep each other's company.

What do you think?
Loni

Sound good to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It's important to have somone to "hang out" with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Just think long and hard about some boundries to set. What sitches will you feel comfortable / uncomfortable with him being around? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Just a little forethought / planning could make this a very rewarding friendship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thanks WTF. Good advice. The workouts are going well and I have lost 3 pounds this week, so far. WHOO HOO. I am taking care of myself and my house. Feels good.

Loni