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Joined: Jun 2007
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Hello all!

Like many newbies, I have been lurking and reading on this site for awhile (nearly 2 months.) My story sadly is not different from most, but here goes...

My WH and I have been married for 8 years. We met in college in 1985 and were best friends before we became romantically involved in 1988. We have survived two brief break-ups (pre-marriage) and a long distance relationship when we were in graduate schools in different cities after graduating from college.

On Holy Thursday, WH tells me that he has been unfaithful to me since 11/06 first EA then PA with OMW who is also married with three teenage sons. I hear the usual stuff: "I love but I am not in love with you, I haven't been happy for years, I don't feel anything other than loving frienship for you, I have found the love of my life" yada, yada, yada. He also says he wants a divorce so he and OW can be together in martial bliss. I was devastated. Over the next few days I learned out how deceptive and maniputaltive he was in having this A--then it scared me to think I had known WH for this long and did not know he was capable of this behavior. Then on Easter Sunday, he wants to come back on work on our marriage. He contacts her on 4/20 and on 4/28 he tells me that he needs space to think things out and is going to stay with some friends of ours (you all know the real deal -- OW has moved out of her home and gotten her own apartment that same weekend). During this period we go to one MC session, which went well for both of us. I am continuing IC--he was also in IC with another C, but I don't know if that will continue noew that he has moved out.

On 5/8, he calls in tears wanting to come home, says he loves me and realizes he did not put any effort in trying to repair things between us. He promises no contact (atlhough he refused to write a letter--wanted to do it in person--please don't laugh I now know how stupid I was to fall for that! )

Moves on 5/11 (I was out of town when he called on 5/8 and he could not get back in the house since I changed the locks when he moved out in April.) I Plan A my bottom off, and he notices (because he tells me) but he is still distant and uncommunicative.

Broke no contact promise on 5/18. I found out on 6/12 by snooping, and this time he did an NC phone call. Last Wed night he tells me he does not have what is needed to repair our marriage even though he does not want to lose me completely. He has decided to move in with OW and left to be with her that night. He hopes that at some point we can be friends. Today he came back to take everything he owns and the things I have agreed to let him have to her apartment.

I have already seen an attorney about protecting myself (my main goal is to get the house which so far he has said he will let me have because it is the right thing to do and he cannot afford it anyway.) I have protected my finances and I am blessed that I will do fine even with his departure.

I have exposed to everyone significant to him--my family, his family (they have been so supportive and loving to me and have tried to convice my WH of the error of his ways!), his employer, and a few close friends. I did not need to expose to OWH since he was the one who discovered the A. However, he and I stay in contact and have worked together to bust up this A--he wants his WW back and until Wed I wanted my WH back too.

As I look back on our marriage, I see the areas we went off track--independent lives, disrepectful judgements, lack of communication, little SF as the years passed. I also think he had major problems with the fact that made A LOT more money that he did, although I never threw it up in his face--my view was we were married and what was mine was his and vice versa--it did not matter how much either of us made because it all went into the "martial pot".

I was more than willing to change my ways and be the kind of wife I could be. But WH refuses to try. He says he only feels guilt and pain now when he thinks of or sees me, despite my reassurances that I can forgive him and want to work to trust him again and make a new and better M with him. It's funny, while he was with me, the only ENs he would let me fill without hestitation was FS. He also allowed a little affection and admiration.

At this point, I don't know what to do. Since he's moved in with OW I think we are past Plan A. So is it Plan B or Plan B on the fast track to Plan D? I am willing to save this marriage, but I can't do it alone and I am tired of all the lies, deception and selfishness.

Any insight and advice is welcome and appreciated. Thanks to everyone.

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SP2,

Welcome to MB. You've done quite a bit correct but need a few more pointers....so if I may....

1. Get with a good MC (one familiar w/MB concepts)....better yet, call Steve H.

2. Read HNHN & SAA B4 you call Steve and take the EN questionnaire once as yourself and ask the WS. If he won't then you do it as him. MB will ask you t/d that anyway.
Then you w/b ready for a conference call.

3. Good with the support and financial protection.

4. Got kids? Let them know you are not abandoning them. Make them a part of your support group and be a part of theirs. Get them into IC as needed. Give them lots of reassurance. Be balanced.

5. Start posting more here. What you may see as hopeless, some of us may see as a tool or an avenue out. Kinda warped but as you've noticed, he ain't himself.

6. Keep a journal.

7. Read my sig link about the stages of grieving.

8. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

9. Don't help him with stuff for the A. In fact, if you can find a reason to get the stuff back. You can be sure he has told the OW you gave your blessing by giving stuff for him to take.

When my then WS moved out, he wanted to take my vaccuum cleaner to clean his room. I told him no way. What he took was minimal except for his man's dresser. I was furious but couldn't do much about that....when it came to what our family used, I put my foot down. He was angry with me but he wanted to take it to a place that was strange to me (his rented room in another home). So I refused. I told him since he had changed so much I was not sure who he choose to live with and did not want my things contaminated.

There's more, this is just a start.

take care,
L.

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Thank you Orchid for the quick reply. Here's an update:

1. My current IC is familiar with MB. She recommened the website to me as a good one. But I will also give Steve a call.

2. Have read SAA. Will get HNHN.

3. Thanks. That was due to good advice from good friedns and family.

4. No kids--only two doggies which I love to death!

5. Definitely

6. Already started journal month and a half ago.

7. I read your link on the stages of grieving while lurking. It was very good and insightful.

8. I do this everyday since this disaster began.

9. Got it. Fortunately, there is not much he took that was not personally his (clothing and books), so getting the rest back should not be a big deal.

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Believe it or not, it is excellent news that the two lovebirds have moved in together. That is the fastest way for the affair to end and the fantasy bubble to burst. Let them REALLY get to know each other.

I would get it in writing that the home is yours, because they often change their minds.

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Believer

I think you are right, because when he moved in with her in early May he could only stand it for four days before he came crying to come home again. They are both so depressed now they are not fun for each other anymore when they have to be together.

My only concern is this: this affair has completely isolated them from ALL their friends and family, so they may desparately cling to each other in an "it's us against the world" mentality. But perhaps they deserve each other...

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Oh, they will cling to each other for awhile. But that gets old real fast.

The most important thing you can do is to stay clear of their relationship, so they don't have fighting you in common. Continue merrily along making a good life.

Someone (Frank Pittman, I think) says that an affair needs a marriage to survive. I know in my case, the affair went on for over years, and it ended a week after we were divorced.

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I am so sorry.. I have no advice as I have not been in this situation but I think you are a strong woman, much stronger then I am.

I hope that things work out for you


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
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Believer

Can you be more specific about staying clear of their relationship? The only action I plan to do in the near future that would involve him is getting him to sign a separation agreement and transfer the house to my name. Since he's moved out, taken his things and forwarded his mail to her address I won't have any other reason to contact him after SA and deed are signed off on. And while he's super foggy WH I don't want contact with him or her.

Thanks for the input!

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Hi-I'd welcome some sound advice from Believer or anyone else here...I'm really struggling with what is the right way to work through my sitch...

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Since he's already decided on his course of action, its time for you to move on with your life -let HIM worry about what you're up to for a change.

Go into a dark, dark, plan B once you have dis-entangled yourself from all financial obligations to him. Go out and get a new hobby, do stuff you always wanted to do but never had the chance to.. believe me, it will open up new horizons and perspectives for ya.


Dev BS - 31 (me) WW - 29 M ~2 years, No kids DDay - 2nd Dec 2006 Exposed - 15th Jan 2007 NC started - 14th Jan 2007 NC broken 23rd Jan 2007 NC broken many times since Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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SP2

It is NOT to late to continue plan A but with WH moved out it will be more difficult. WH will basically decide when you can plan A him.

Plan B should only be done ONLY after a good plan A has been completed.

Now for my take on plan B:

The purpose of Plan B is to protect YOURSELF and your remaining love for your WS. A good Plan B needs careful consideration / preparation before implementing.

Some very important things to consider:

Plan B letter: This letter basically states that there is to be no contact whatsoever between you & WS until such a time as conditions YOU state are met (i.e. No Contact with OP, Willingness to work on marriage, marital counseling, etc…). The plan B letter is a “roadmap” to the WS on what YOU need to consider reconciliation

If you’re not sure if you’ve written a good plan B letter, post it. We’ll give you some suggestions / critic. A good rule of thumb with plan B letters: The shorter and more to the point the better.


Intermediary: As you’ve already noticed, any contact with the fogged out WS is caustic and ends up withdrawing units from your LB. The simple solution to this is to not have contact.

That is where the intermediary comes in. The intermediary is the person that your WS has to contact to get a message to you. The job of the intermediary is to pass messages directly from WS to you & from you to WS. The intermediary is NOT to interpret the communications in any way and simply pass the message back and forth.

Do NOT accept direct communications from the WS (phone, email, text messages, direct conversation, etc…) as this breaks plan B and allows WS to get his “family” fix.

If WS phones (make sure you have caller ID) or and unrecognized number comes across, let it go to voicemail. If the VM is from WS delete it. If you pick up the phone and WS is on the other end, Hang UP!

If WS emails: Delete it! A better alternative to this is to block his incoming emails. You can do this various ways depending on the email system you use. Let us know if you need help blocking these. Someone on the board will likely know how to block whatever system you are using.

If WS text messages: Delete it!

Direct Conversation: Turn your back and walk to a supportive group and / or leave.

If you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?” If no, hang up / leave.


Make sure that they know that they are not welcome inside your home until the conditions outlined in your letter are met. If the WS comes in anyway, go to another room and shut the door. Again; if you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?”


Finances: It is best to have this set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary.


Family Relations: State your desire that you do not wish to hear any “news” about your WS. Let them know what it going on and what the intent of your plan is. Thank them for their support.


Plan B tends to drive a WS nuts! They can no longer get their “good normal family” fix. They will try very hard to break your plan b and get back to “cake eating”. Do not let this happen! Give the WS a little preview of what it will be like to actually “lose” his family.

It is not too late to get a good plan b going. Post back with any questions.

Stay Strong!


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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Dev and WTF

Thanks for the replies. I think a dark, dark Plan B is the way to go now because he made it clear he was not willing to give up OW even when we were in Plan A. The moving in with her is just the ultimate expression of this.

Question: I need to wrap this separation agreement pretty soon. I still think I can get him to sign the agreement without any issues, but I want the timing between the Plan B letter and the SA to be right. So,should I send him the Plan B letter before or after I get him to sign the SA?

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Send him the plan B letter after you have your seperation agreement signed.

Up until that point continue your plan A. It will come as that much more or a shock with your "sudden" change of direction.

Otherwise you will be breaking your own plan B by having direct contact with him.

Remember! Once you go to plan B: NO MORE DIRECT CONTACT UNTIL THE CONDITIONS OF YOUR PLAN B LETTER ARE MET!

Remember the rule of thumb for the plan B letter: The shorter and more direct the better.

Post your letter (when you are ready) and we will give you our feedback on it.

Stay Strong!


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.

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