I'm so sad. My wife doesn't love me anymore and it's my fault. I want to make her happy, but she wrote off our marriage a long time ago. There have been so many years of unhappiness for her, that I don't know if I can fix it. I desperately want her to follow the Marriage Builders principles with me but I don't think she will be willing to try. Can she ever be in love with me again? Should I try to get her to take the Love Busters survey so I can work on those? Can this work if only one spouse is trying?

SugarShack,

Before we offer any solutions, some details would be helpful. Do you have kids? What has been the root of your W's unhappiness? Was it one incident or little incidents piled up on top of another over time?

I think in your heart, even though I don't know all the details of your M, you know that any form of rebuilding requires the effort of two people...and won't work without the mutual openness and willingness on each other's part to work the M.

ss,

Welcome to MB.

I'm so sad. My wife doesn't love me anymore and it's my fault.

Your fault in what way? How do you think you contributed to her loss of love for you?

I want to make her happy, but she wrote off our marriage a long time ago. There have been so many years of unhappiness for her, that I don't know if I can fix it.

I've seen many broken marriages in crisis on this site. Not all of them respond to the MB program....but I've been amazed at how many do.

I desperately want her to follow the Marriage Builders principles with me but I don't think she will be willing to try.

That's okay. Let her see the changes that you're making. For her to believe those changes....will take consistency over time. It takes seconds to destroy trust.....and sometimes YEARS to rebuild it. You can't prove your commitment overnight.....so settle in for the long haul.

Can she ever be in love with me again?

Yes.....she can.

Should I try to get her to take the Love Busters survey so I can work on those?

You probably know many of the lovebusters you're doing.....so begin by reading reading reading.....and addressing the LBs you can already identify.

Can this work if only one spouse is trying?

Even if only one spouse is trying.....one spouse can definitely lead the way back to intimacy. Ultimately, the other spouse will eventually have to get on board, but I can say from personal experience that I used these concepts to save my marriage....and I started it initially....without any participation from my husband.

Keep posting and adding information.

Well I asked my wife to look at this site, so she may find these posts, but I guess that's okay.

We've been married for fifteen years and have two teenage children. When we started dating we had a sexual relationship and she had sexual relationships with all her previous boyfriends. At some point after we became engaged she insisted that we stop having premarital sex because of her religious beliefs. We were engaged for about a year before we got married, so I had to adjust to this new relationship without sex -- I realize now that I was hurt and confused by it because of her freely sexual relationship with her previous boyfriend (who I worked with).

So after we got married I wasn't as interested in sex with her as I had been before. Now she tells me that even our wedding night was a huge disappointment to her. I got more and more involved with work and hobbies and just didn't spend enough time with her... I wasn't responsive to her affection very often, etc. So you can see how this is my fault.

Over the years she became very passive-aggressive about our marriage. I learned to dread watching TV with her because any romantic moment on the screen would bring a comment from her about the state of our relationship. I didn't want to talk about it, so she would sabotage me when we were in the car with the kids and ask questions in front of them like "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" On the occasions when we would have a serious private talk about it I would always ask her to help me make it better, that I couldn't do it alone, but after the first few years she would just say that she was dead inside and she had nothing left to give.

More years have gone by than I can count without sex or any real affection (at least 6) and I just stupidly assumed that she would stay with me because of our children and that I support her (she has just started working part time this year). I've never been abusive or anything like that.

In the middle of May I found some emails on the computer from men she had been contacting. It turns out she had been posting personals online and setting up dates. She was emailing some of these men 10-20 times a day and in one message she specifically said she was looking for sex. I found these on a Saturday and she had two dates scheduled with two different men for Monday. I confronted her and she admitted to having one date so far, but that no sex had taken place, and she agreed to stop contact with the other men.

I had actually been wanting to resume our sexual relationship for quite a while, but it had been so long I didn't know how to approach her. One of the reasons this hurt me so much is that I had initiated some sexual activity with her a few weeks earlier and thought that had shown her I wanted to improve things. Well this was certainly the wakeup call I needed. I realized that I had taken her for granted and that I loved her and would do anything not to lose her. I started showing her affection any time I could and we started sexual relations again. The next big heartbreak came about three weeks later when she told me it wasn't working and that she thinks of me more as a brother now. Now I don't know what to do. She has indicated that she will tolerate my having sex with her if I want, but knowing she doesn't want it makes it impossible for me. After years of her asking me for more sex and affection, it's now the other way around. I'm feeling desperate and depressed... Now the lack of affection from her is killing me. I've told her that I want to make her happy and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she says hearing that makes her feel terrible inside. She is just waiting until our kids are grown and then she plans to leave me. Yesterday she told me I was smothering her.

I know that we are both responsible for where we are now, but she has always put 100% of the blame on me (and I'm willing to accept most of it).

My wife told me the same thing...Don't pressure her, because it works like trying to stick two magnets together...You will push her away if you do...

Well when I wrote that first post this morning that was my low point... It always seems worse when I'm in bed. She asked me to take her out to lunch today. I remembered reading how important recreational activities are together, so I brought something up at the restaurant and she wants to do it with me. I think she still enjoys spending time with me.

I have five years until both children are off to college, which is when she said she will leave me. Maybe I can make it work.

If she says she is willing to have [email]s@x[/email] with you, that is a start. She is just being honest in that the feelings are not there right now. But, you can help them to return. If you can handle the emotions of it, it would be helpful if you could go ahead and have [email]s@x[/email] with her now since she says she is willing. The emotions will most likely follow. If you can, try to make sure that she reaches O and ask her what you need to do to make sure she reaches O. It is good that she says she is willing to stop trying to contact other men. I am very truly sorry that you are in this state, but it is good that you are here on this forum as many people are here who can help you. Remember, you did not do anything that forced her into wayward behavior. But you can make changes in your relationship so that both of you can enjoy each other.

Lake