BWS, I think you did a great job in describing the difference. I know ideally we would never even think a disrespectful judgment about our spouses, let alone say one. A key phrase you used was “based on my value system.”
To use my example of money. What if the situation was “my spouse chooses to spend money on shoes for herself and now there isn’t enough money to feed the children.”? For me, I’m not sure it would be enough if said spouse were willing to change the behavior just to save the marriage. I would probably need that spouse to recognize that buy the shoes was a bad choice. I would need my spouse to share that value. That’s an extreme example, and my need to have my spouse share my belief would be because of the severity. I probably wouldn’t have to have my spouse agree that it is much better to wash dishes before turning on the TV. However, I do need someone who values a tidy house, and feels it’s worth the effort to have a neat and tidy home.
Now, my then H was 45 when we married. That may contribute to his inflexibility. He was unwilling to do anything to alleviate my distress over his choices. And, I had a hard time not making value judgments on his choices because they were so alien to my value system. I think refusing to address an issue that could land you in jail is irresponsible at best. I did stop sharing that judgment with B, and phrased it as I’m scared that situation X is looming. Then finally, when that bought on nasty comments, I just stopped saying anything.
You know, one thing I wish I could share with the naïve, ignorant, unaware spouses out there is this: If your spouse stops nagging about an unresolved issue, this is NOT a good sign. This does NOT mean the situation is resolved. This means your spouse feels so unheard, he or she has given up. Giving up on that issue means giving up on you, and that’s a short step from giving up on the marriage.
I wonder how many divorces could be prevented by a spouse asking “Why don’t you bring up XYZ any more? Is it because the issue is resolved and you’re happy with the outcome? Or is there another reason?”
