Hi All, many years ago MB was a source of refuge through a particularly nasty WS (her) affairs, selfharm and eventual Divorce. Have been in (in my mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) a good place of resolution and coming to terms for the last 4 years or so.

Throughout the last six years I've dated off and on often finding short term relationships of a few weeks or months ending with realising that it's just a platonic friendship, no spark or sometimes boredom (that sounds terrible I know).

Then three & half years ago thought I met "the One" and had nearly a 14 month relationship which ended with her breaking trust and doing some very odd things (stealing personal data and sharing with others) that made me walk away. I took a year off and said "no dating" to allow myself to get over that and have a sensible time to come to terms with it. We had gotten engaged so it was a huge deal to me to finish.

Then bringing you upto date I didn't meet anyone for another year. Then last December I met someone who I instantly had a spark with and wasn't even really looking. We work together so initial discussions about Dating were rejected. However the friendship and rapport progressed and in March this year we started going out (she asked me). It was all very nice and as expected and really good fun. We hit a "bump" in April where we had some issues about our differences (she wants kids and I can't have any without surgery plus our age is against us) and split up for a really, really rough week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> but got back together. In my view (and she has said no different) we are doing well. I haven't felt like this for anyone for a very long time.

Now the crux of the problem is that the behaviour of this woman is "normal". We see each other reasonably frequently within a large office but don't work closely together. We date normally a few times during the week and we see each other at weekends when my daughters (I have custody) are at the Ex.

My problem (which I am realising) is that I am tarnishing her with the brush of the old Ex's x 2. Namely that I am still even this long on finding it difficult to trust.

This comes out in my behaviour as follows:

1) I'll wake up on a Monday after not seeing her at the weekend for a very valid reason thinking there is a problem with us.
2) I find myself wondering what she's doing when not with me even though she tells me I find it hard to take at face value.
3) I find myself wondering if there is something wrong between us because she might be quiet and not saying anything. This is often at odds when she points out she's talked to me during the day, tried to have coffee, or has even gone out in the evening with me!

The last point has actually now gotten on her nerves twice and she has pushed back at me and said "if she has a problem with me she'll tell me" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I'm wondering how best to relax and go with it, OK I have recognised it hence posting here but am hoping others have experienced/dealt with similar?

I think in parts its to do with the work relationship adding an accelerated interaction - we see each other more often than if we didn't work together. Therefore if there's a quiet period I worry/panic as it's not been the "norm" but is really.

Thoughts?

Best wishes Porsche.
P.s. Telling me I am "nuts" and enjoy it is a viable answer... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I don't think you are nuts, but you seem to have already supplied the right answer - relax and go with it. That would be my first choice.

Of course I would also want to know a little more why the insecurities and suspicions are there - it's one of two things, neither of which good, IMO - a) you have demons from past relationships that still need to be exorcised; b) your gut is picking up something in her behavior that is causing you to worry. It's probably worth some pondering, I would say.

AGG

Thanks for the feedback.

My demons are that I am struggling to overcome the trust issues that have no shred of basis with this woman. I must say I don't know HOW I get over them, ideally looking for something tangible to do and clearly not getting it. I am aware that its happening though so maybe that is the only level of awareness I can expect.

She isn't actually "doing" anything that has aroused suspicion at all. Sure we don't spend loads of time together at this stage but her behaviour has been consistent and "normal".

So now I am thinking I am needing to relearn what it's like to date a normal person lol!

Regards Porsche996.

Yup, but it takes two normal people to date successfully <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. So even if she is "normal", but you are haunted by past issues, you may not be a good partner for her (or anyone). Bringing baggage into a relationship is never good - we all have (baggage), but its size matters.

AGG

I'm with AGG on this. It may be that you have baggage you need to unpack.

Another thought is that you are projecting the "something wrong." In other words, maybe this relationship really isn't everything you need and therefore, you sense there is something wrong, but misattribute it to her behavior.

Or it could be you are just too impatient and want to fast-forward the relationship by a couple of months.

I haven't a clue, but those are options as well.

Thankyou guys and gals for your replies.

AGG, Cinderella, I am acknowledging that I have this baggage. This stuff I outlined above has made me realise that. What I perhaps didn't expect and to don't really understand is:

a) why after all this time I am experiencing this when I feel fine in myself and am wanting to meet someone really nice (which I have in this woman)?

b) by acknowledging it how (if at all) can I stop it so that it doesn't ruin this relationship?

That's the crux of the issue for me.

Cinderella how does one "unpack" your baggage? I've had counselling, therapy (XWS was BPD and self harmer), and much support from friends and family.

Greengables,

Your "too impatient" viewpoint has given me cause to reflect as to this is true. I'm truthfully wanting this to go on and that in itself might be a "rush thought process" in itself. Like AGG learn to relax and not be so far in so early.

Interestingly last night I brought up these feelings and thoughts with her and she understood where I was coming from. I admitted that it was a learning event for me and that I wanted her to be aware of it. She was in turn very supportive.

Regards Porsche.

You might also be afraid of (if) losing her...

'The baggage'... I wonder, do you also have some things/issues that people would consider them as 'your baggage', but it's just a part of your own nature...?

B2M, not quite sure what you are meaning? Could you give me an example?

Clearly trusting early on in a relationship is awkward for me. I don't give trust unconditionally like you do as a child or as a when you fall in love for the first time. I have however explained this to her and she is the same. We do however choose to trust each other.

She doesn't consider my 3 daughters baggage, although some previous very short relationship women have (hence the short <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)