Well, here I am, going into the 6th month of Plan A. You can read the details of my story in the links below.

To summarize:
I discovered at the end of Jan. that my WW had a 2 yr. affair w/ OM she met online. She had already ended it by the time I found out, clearly evident from the emails I discovered of her ending things w/ him. When I confronted her, she claimed she did it in retaliation for my past infidelity (9+ years ago). She moved out, but continued seeing me and our kids as often as possible, doing things together as a "family", upon which I try to meet her ENs. She claims she moved out to "get space". I then became highly suspicious of a male contractor doing business at her job, and believed she was involved in yet another A, but I could never get solid proof. Her claim was that they were just friends, and was working for his co. on the side to make extra $ to support herself, and felt that it wasn't any of my business to tell me about him or the nature of their relationship, "b/c we're SEPARATED". I then served her w/ D papers, all the while I continue Plan A, explaining that the D is solely for legal protection if she continues to live outside our home living as though she were single. After probably a bad job of exposing, and finally speaking to suspected OMW, I don't think there ever was a full blown A. BUT, I still have a gut feeling there was at least an inappropriate workplace relationship or EA. Well, today, they no longer work together as his contract work ended, and I don't see the calls b/w them on the cell ph. records anymore. Things have progressed somewhat positively in the last month: WW has given me access to her cell ph. records online and all her email passwords, WW has been staying home every night, we've been making love (after STD testing), we're wearing our wedding rings again at her request, and overall our relationship is much better than it has been in a very long time.

We both have huge trepidations though to move forward. She says she's been essentially living back home to try things out, to see if our M is worth coming back to, but will not commit to reconciliation. I've been hesistant to allow things to continue any further such as her moving back in w/o such a commitment, as I don't trust her true motives, and don't want to suffer heartache all over again if she decides to leave me again. I'm really at an empasse and don't know what to do, so I finally plopped the cash down to setup a counseling session w/ the Harleys to help me. It's not for another 2 weeks, so I'm hoping I can get some advice on what to do in the meantime, on what to do next in my sitch. Continue Plan A, but for how long? Is Plan B still an option though there is no A underway?

Thanks for any help!

They gave you your assignment right? Reading is essential. Take the EN questionnaire and know that your W has t/d more than say she wants her family.

She needs to make you and the family feel safe that she is NOT a WS anymore. R U convinced? For her to stay home, you s/b.

So if she gives you that line about NOT trusting your improvements....show her the door because in reality, you can't trust her....she is the one that betrayed your trust.

Make sure you can decipher babble from truth.

IMHO,
L.

I haven't had a chance yet to get to my assignment, I had them send it to my personal email address which I can't get to from work (military network blocks it). I have already filled out the ENs questionnaire a month ago on my own, so I'm glad I'm ahead in that regard. Tonight I should get to my personal email and get my assignment.


I wouldn't say I'm 100% convinced. Mostly b/c of her lack of true remorse and taking full responsibility for ALL the consequences of her affair, such as the collateral damage I did in snooping and trying to get to the bottom of what was going on b/w her and this guy she use to work w/. From SAA, I remember it stating that the BS shouldn't expect an apology, so I'm continuing to be patient and continue Plan A. Also from reading these forums, I understand Plan A is not about getting the WS to do anything.

BUT, I would say that I am pretty sure she isn't going to cheat on me now, not during this time of our lives. I do see that she regrets the affair and feels guilty about it, and she has told me that she would never do it again. She knows it was a big mistake, and that she should have handled her unhappiness in the M differently.



This is exactly what I'm confused about. If she truly is making an effort to return to the M in baby steps, shouldn't I encourage that? I remember also reading from Dr. Harley that the BS should not make demands or issue ultimatums. I feel that if I demand a commitment from her to never leave me again before allowing her to move back in, then I'm doing just that. My main question at this point is should I require such a promise from my WW now before progressing any further into a possible recovery?



Much easier said than done, but I am working at it.

Thanks so much for your reply Orchid!