We have been married 10 years this past June. I found out WW has been having an online EA for several months with a guy in the Army that is currently in Korea. Prior to this EA, she apparently had another one with some 19-year old college kid. Prior to finding out, we had just gone through the whole 'I love you but I am not in love with you' discussion, along with her apparent 'mid-life crisis' or whatever she wants to call it.
I had suspected something was going on so I had logged all network traffic into/out of my house. All IMs, web pages, emails etc. There I read some very disturbing IM conversations between her and the OM.
Now she is in the 'I'm just friends with him' stage and has threatened that if I demand her to cease and desist from contact with him, it will 'push her away', and that kind of control/demand is what ruined her first marriage.
We have been through a lot of difficult times together, have 4 children together, but what has happened this year I never would have expected. She is completely irrational and cares about nothing except the OM (it seems).
I don't know how she would expect to go out and live on her own - she hasn't held a job for seven years, has no skills whatsoever, and suffers from anxiety/panic disorder. I have been nothing but supportive to her - she can't even drive to the store or do anything 'self-supporting'.
She talks of leaving and going out on her own. I don't know what to expect. I am ready to burn her computer in the backyard and cancel her cell phone (it's in my name anyway).
My goal is to save the marriage, and restore what was once there. She doesn't seem to care about anything but herself.
So, I am here, reading these forums, and trying to sort all of this stuff out.

Hi My4,

Welcome to the site. My heart goes out to you and your children. This is really tough stuff. But there is hope. Lots of it, in fact. Weekends are slow...not many people on line. Hang in there, you'll have some feedback soon.

Meanwhile, your instincts about cancelling the cell phone and internet are good ones. Do whatever you can to end this affair. Tell your wife your goal is to protect the marriage and the children's right to a happy home. Then go to Plan A...fulfilling needs and winning her back. It's all explained in the basic concepts link to the right here.

Have faith and take care of yourself and your little ones.

Thanks for the reply. I am in the process of deciding who to expose the affair to. I know that her father, and stepmom, are extremely supportive of me and will probably disown her. Her mother and sister, I'm not so sure. I don't have much contact with them, and I don't know what lies they have already been told. But if at all possible, I want to prevent them from supporting her. That's the only place she could possible run to, and I don't want her to have that opportunity for escape.

Expose to her mother and stepmom, her mother and sister, and any friends that can help.

Also, since he is in the Army, expose to his command. Let them know that he is having an inappropriate friendship with your wife and mother of 3 little ones, and you would like to know what they will do about him. The military is very anti-affair and can order him not to have contact with her.

But this is her second EA, so there are some problems in her life. Please read the Emotional Needs section and questionnaire, and make sure you are meeting all of her top needs.

You've been given some very sound advice...consider it.

Expose to anyone who could influence your wife into ending her EA and rebuilding your marriage.

I would go ahead and cancel her cell and remove the internet from your home for now. My wife had an online EA, and I as a hair's breadth away from doing exactly these things, but my wife made her choice to reconcile before I had to do this. Your wife doesn't appear to be at that point yet, so I would seriously consider this.

This may sound cruel, but given what you've described of your wife, I think taking a stand on this would be a GOOD thing. If she's not ready to survive on her own, let her FACE that as a possibility if she doesn't end the EA and agree to your terms in reconciling your marriage.

My wife was facing some similar consquences, and with some similar issues as what you've described.

Seriously, step up and take the steps you need to here.

Thank you. I have read that section and have the questionnaire, have to read the rest today. As far as the military, I don't even know the guy's last name or where he is stationed at in Korea. If I can discover this information somehow, I will certainly expose the affair to his command.

Thanks Owl. The cell phone is in my name, I will have to call and see what can be done. I may have to break the contract, but the money lost is unimportant. The internet, well, I work at home as a computer programmer. I am thinking of moving my office into the warehouse that is about 30 miles from here. That way, I can cancel the internet access and still be able to work. Lots of things to do and think about.