WH told me today that he will be going back to his former company to meet up with his former boss to finish up some business tomorrow. That means, he'll get to see the OW. I didn't know how to react so I just kept quiet. I do not want to jump up and say 'you're creating excuse to see her again!' because I know it would not help. But I am afraid that if I kept quiet, he will take it that silence means consent...

I'm pretty sure the OW will not initiate to talk to him. But he will try anyway since he hasn't find out the 'truth'. In addition, I believe just seeing her alone will set his 'withdrawal' counter back to zero again. Sigh... I am so not looking forward to going home tomorrow to face up to his moods and anger again...

Keep your cool. This is a test and you have to only watch. Watch his eyes. Don't say much. He is testing his own recovery.... dangerous for an Xws to do so but it was his choice.

So why did he have to go see his old boss? Did his old boss know of the A?

L.

Yes, his boss knew. That was why he moved the OW from originally sitting next to my WH to another cubicle. Not much help since it was an open office so WH still get to see her everyday then. Also, at least half of the people in the office were engaged in some form of A. So although they knew about the A, they did not try to stop it because they were guilty of it themselves. Worse, some of them even encouraged my WH and said that he can just 'fool around' but must remember to cover his tracks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

My WH left the company not just because of the A. His old boss had been delaying the payment of his commission (my WH is a sales person) and WH had been talking about leaving the company for some time. Only thing is when the A started, the talk about leaving stopped. Anyway, when my WH tendered his resgination, the old boss conveniently went for a long holiday so WH could not get his commission paid. So he had to go back to his old company to sort it out with his old boss. But to me, it is just another excuse to see the OW since the boss has no intention of paying anyway (the delay had been more than 1 year)...

I guess you're right Orchid, I just have to hold and see. Anyway, there is nothing I can do anyway. I cannot stopped him from going back to his old office. I have no way of knowing if he stopped by and talked to the OW or not. Nor would I know what effect this meeting will have on him. Nevertheless, I promised myself that I will do a good Plan A. I will get through this...

We would all have liked to resolve the mess our marriage became right away. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. You need to stick with your plan and not expect anything. If you don't think you can do that, set a time in your mind. Tell yourself you will do it until Thanksgiving, or something like that. Then reassess on that day.

Today I went snooping on my WH's computer and found something that broke my heart, again. He used to keep pictures of the OW in a folder locked with a password. After he left the company, I asked if he could delete them away and not keep any copies anywhere. He said 'I have no choice right? Ok, I'll do it'. And for a while, the folder did dissappear. But today, I saw it again, hidden in some obscure folder, created on the 23 Aug 07! I know I should be expecting this and I shouldn't be surprised. But it still hurts to know that he has yet again broken his promise.

What do I do now? Do I just sit back and pretend I see nothing till the timeline I gave myself for Plan A is up? Or do I ask him about it? But then he will know that I knew the password to his computer.

Stay in Plan A, and don't reveal that you know his password. If you do, you have given up an important source of information.

Smile pleasantly, on with Plan A, and watch.

Thank you believer. Ok, taking deep breaths now... Stay in Plan A, stay in plan A, stay on plan A...

Today is an anger day. WH was quiet and sulking last night and I tried to cheer him up. He was able to respond for a while but soon, he lasped into his mood again. When I asked him what was wrong, he didn't want to tell me. When I tried to hold his hand, he shoved my hand away. I felt very hurt and couldn't help myself and I cried. LB I know, but I have been facing his rejection for the past few days that it is eating me up. He will walk ahead of me so that we need not hold hands or talk. He will only hug me if I asked him to. He almost shrink away if I tried to get near him.

Then today, he sms me to say he is sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me. And I lapsed into the mood of anger. He told me he doesn't want to talk or communicate with me because he doesn't know if I will use the information to 'back-stab' him (and make him lose the OW as a friend). He doesn't know how I would react to the information that he gave me and thus he prefer to say nothing. But I told him if he doesn't communicate with me, we will forever stay at ground zero and never move on.

And why am I the one who had to win his trust back? Doesn't he has to win my trust back too? Why do I have to be the one to put up with his swinging moods when he has no regards for my feelings? I am so frustrated but I have no way of venting the anger. I feel so so tempted to just move out but I know like Mark says, leaving like this is not going to help but more likely lead to D.

How do you guys and gals out there find the strength to do a Plan A?

You just force yourself. In your mind, you set a deadline, and tell yourself you will do it for X months. Then you do an excellent Plan A for that long. When the deadline is up, you reaccess the situation. If nothing seems to be changing, you start planning for Plan B.

I got the phone bills today. WH's phone bill is under the same account and I had a chance to look into the details today. And found more heart breaking details. I found that he tried calling the OW as early as 14 Aug, only 2 weeks after he left the company. He got clever this time and called her office line directly since she will not answer his call on her cell phone. This call lasted only about 2 minutes. But he called her again on the 16 Aug, for 6 minutes. Then again on the 22 Aug, for 10 minutes. As I looked back, that was the time he went crazy about finding out the 'truth' and wanted the OW to go to MC with him to talk about the 'truth'. That is not the only heart breaking news.

I mentioned some time ago that my WH, before he left his previous company, he seems to be looking for a 'replacement' for the OW and found another female colleague in the same old office that he took a lot of inappropriate pictures with. He kept in touch with this OW on a daily basis until now. I felt that he did this on purpose to show me that he can have 'pure and simple' friendship with other women. Though I have told him that I felt that the behaviour is inappropriate, he told me that I simply have to trust him. If he comes close to crossing the line this time, he will stop because he does not want to lose another friend like he did with the OW. But as I looked at the phone bills, I realised that they will call each other about 3-4 times a day (sometimes more), sms each other a dozen times a day. I tried snooping on his phone previously and had found the sms-es to be quite benign. But he found out and started deleting the sms-es and took his handphone with him wherever he goes so I didn't manage to do more snooping. Have they progressed to an EA already? What should I do now?

Go to plan B. R U ready for it?

Oh yea.... expose. There is no innocent R's when he is a WS on the prowl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

I am so ready for Plan B and I felt that I badly needed it. I can't take the constant 'surprises' though I have been told to expect it. I have my finances secured and even managed to find a small place to stay for the time being. But it is only a short term solution because the place belonged to one of my friends. If it really turns out to be a long term thing, I will suffer a little financially. But nothing beats the peace of mind I will get for getting away from him, from all these wayward behaviours.

The only thing I worried is that I do not do a good Plan A for a good time period. It has been barely a month and I once in a while still cry in front of him (a love buster for him) when I really could not help it. I also sometimes act very clingy (such as keep wanting him to stay beside me) when I felt super insecure when he refused to reassure me. I am afraid that if I go into Plan B now, I am starting the beginning of a Plan D actually because he will have very little good memories of me. But I am so emotionally drained that I do not know even if I tried to hang on, can I do a good Plan A. I am so lost now. Part of me want to just pack up and go and leave all these madness and pain behind. But part of me want to stay and try to work things out.

What if this is not 'fog' behaviour but his actual value systems? What if he thinks it is ok to have EAs all along, that it is just 'closer' friendship but not an A? How can I tell the difference between wayward behaviour and his actual value systems?

Time will provide clarity. In the meantime, you keep on a steady course. If he has any remorse or comes to his senses, you will know....not with fake recovery but with hard work, from his end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No need to worry, just make sure you stay focused. Expect the WS to try to throw you off course. Do you know how to react and reply when he does? Shall we practice? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

[quote No need to worry, just make sure you stay focused. Expect the WS to try to throw you off course. Do you know how to react and reply when he does? Shall we practice? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]


Yes yes, please. I've read about this reverse babble technique but there are a lot of questions or arguments that my WH put across to me that I don't know how to RB back. Can I ask you about them? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1) I don't get rewarded for being honest with you when I told you about the A. Instead, I get punished, you made me lose a friend.

2) You are such a petty, selfish and paranoid person.

3) If I want to have an A, I could have had it with 101 women so many times already. The fact that I didn't (cos an EA is not an A to him) until now should tell you how faithful I am.

4) You wouldn't know the truth if I didn't tell you.

5) I don't feel safe telling you details of my day/friendship with other female.

6) You make my life miserable.

7) Can you stop calling that an A?

8) Can I not have female friends anymore?

9) Am I 'condemned' for life since you wanted NC FOR LIFE?

10) I harbour the hope that one day my friendship with the OW will resume again.

That's all I can think of now. I'm sure there are more. But later. Thanks for offering to 'practice' with me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Orchid: I'll give you my RB responses, ok? Remember these are just my JMHO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


RB (reverse babble) response: Hm... is that all you can see? More importantly, that's what you call a friend? You sure have lowered your standards.


RB (reverse babble) response: Yes, you are.


RB (reverse babble) response: Faithful? What dictionary have you been using? Let's go check your definition of faithful against others. (then call a few friends who use the earth dictionary - do this before you tell him to call).


RB (reverse babble) response: Ok, when are you going to tell me?


RB (reverse babble) response: You don't and that's what you call faithful? Hm....... does your boss know you are faithful like this? Hm...........


RB (reverse babble) response: Yes you do.



RB (reverse babble) response: No.


RB (reverse babble) response: You could if you used correct dictionary and showed by your actions you were faithful but for now, no.


RB (reverse babble) response: Please explain your definition of 'condemned'?



RB (reverse babble) response: Harbor sounds a bit like someone with criminal intent. Is that what you are?


Orchid: No problem.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Practice your responses ahead of time. I used the bathroom mirror and closed the windows so as not to worry the neighbors. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

We had a horrible night of quarrel again. It started ok actually. WH had been his fog again and wanted to feed his addiction of seeing or calling the OW. But he knows she will not take his call. So his mood swing from sometimes ok to sometimes very dark (most of the time actually). He told me he felt something missing in his life. He don't know what is it and he felt very empty. He said he has very low self esteem now, in fact, crushed because he felt he is 'sentenced for life' and nobody wants to trust that he can have a 'pure and simple' friendship

I encouraged him to work on the M. I said that if we get our M back to together and show others that in fact we are closer than before, people will respect him for 'toughing' it out and make the right choice. He said he felt lost and don't know how to revive our M. So I told him about the 4 rules to martial recovery. I asked him since we are both so lost at what to do, why don't we give it a try. Maybe it'll work? If not, what have we got to lose? He seemed positive for a while, agreeing to give it a try. But of course, I am so stupid to believe that he really wanted to work on the M. The next thing he did was to ask, ok, if I promise to give this a try, will you try and help me by gaining my friendship back with the OW?

He said he wanted to his old life back. The life where he enjoyed my company as a wife, the friendship of the OW and another female friend who broke the friendship with him because of his EA with the OW (because she cannot stand being around a man who had A). So he told me his plan. He asked me to help him get back these 2 friendships. He said, out of respect for me, he will not go and see the OW. But he wanted me to come along and try and 'undo the damage'. He wants to explain to her why he lied to her and lied to me. He wanted her to forgive him him and wanted me to help explain things to her too because she will not listen to him. He said, after this, I will come back to you and work on the M.

I simply couldn't belive my ears and the extent of his fog and his sense of entitlement. I should have walked away and stopped the argument. But I was really boiling inside. I asked him shouldn't the sequence be the other way round? We worked on the M first? He said he can't wait. Unless I can give him a deadline like 1-3 months and after that, no matter where we are in our M, I will help him get the friendship back. I exploded. Of course, more exchange of hurtful words and he threatened with more As if I try stopping him to get back the friendship.

Can I go into Plan B now? I am so tired...

Refresh my memory. How long has he had no contact with the OW?

IMHO, he is babbling and doing so quite badly. Time for plan B. R U ready?

How stupid of him to expect you to help him get the A going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Arrrgh........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.