My wife left me 6 weeks ago. She has 2 children from a previous marriage and we have 16-month old twins.

She then told me that she was having an emotional affair with a man that works for her.

She has now moved into a rental house and she told me that she will definitely sleep with this man. She's also told me that the more that I "push", the more she goes towards him. By push, she means attempt to convince her to give me another chance.

So should I push or not?

My situation is very similar also. My wife left 3 months ago, and all I have done is try to get her back... tell her I love her, miss her, smother her with the affection that I thought that she needed to fill her EN's. All it really did was make her more angry and close her off to me.

She told me numerous times to back off and give her the space she needed to think things through. She said she needed time to miss me. This was before I knew about the affair. Since I have found out the truth, it gave me the strength to leave her alone a bit.

I have left her alone, no more pushing to come back. And now I am getting more of a good response from her than I have in a while. But...like in you situation...they work together and are still in contact. I have been, and I suggest to you also, to do everything in your power to break up the affair.

Good luck to you.
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Rummi

wibbler,

At this point, you may want to consider backing off...even for a little while. It's good to hear (at least based on what I have read from your post), that you still have feelings for your WW in spite of the fact that she is in an EA. More than one person I know would have blown a gasket about something like that pretty easily.

Now remember, what you are back off from in the meantime is trying to win her back. It doesn't mean yu stop spending time with the twins, which I think is something you should insist on...I think it's only reasonable, since you will honor her request to stop pushing (for now).

You have to be prepared also in case during this trial period of separation that she may never some back. I know that's very hard to hear...but it is a possibility you can't deny.

Use the time apart to take care of yourself, and think of ways to win your wife back. I'd also do some reading on Emotional Needs, which you can find on this site.

You'll survive this...no matter what the outcome (even if it doesn't feel like you will right now).

Lots of luck to you.

ok - I finally get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I found out that her boyfriend has moved into her new house with her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Plus she told me that she slept with him a few days ago. She said that me trying to win her back just brings up bad memories and keeps them alive.

Anyway, now I'm going to try and build a new life and hope that she reconsiders. I'm "allowed" to have one conversation per day with her and only to talk about "light" matters.

I have the twins for half the week anyway, so I'll continue to see them. I'll have to make appointments to see my 2 stepchildren though.

Not sure how to handle the divorce proceedings now. I still want her to take me back, although various people tell me that I shouldn't.

Before I'd found out about the boyfriend moving in, I'd promised to give her 6k so that she could move into the house and live with her children again. I gave her ~4k to move in and now she wants the rest. I refused at first - after all, he should be paying half the rent now, but she got angry so I pretty much gave in. The same thing is happening over the house now - she wants me to sell it ASAP - before she's even filed for divorce! Because she needs the money to make rent and probably to cover payroll in her new business.

I don't want to make her angry, because I'm trying to get her to see me in a good light, but I don't want to be a doormat in the divorce and I don't want to enable her new relationship. An extra problem is that she feels that I was using money to control her during our marriage, so I don't want to remind her of that.

I'm not calling her anymore and I'm not making any reference to the past when we do talk. Sometimes she beings it up to try and guilt me into things, i think.

Seems that you have her in a good position. Drag your feet on the house and DO NOT FINANCE her affair. Go see a lawyer and maybe a legal separation is good idea for you now (To protect you financially). Let her worry about the rent and payroll(other than what you would need to pay for support if you legally separate). That pressure, coupled with the boyfriend living with 4? kids, may drive her home.

Menawhile, Plan A as much as you can and take good care of yourself and the twins. Have your home warm and inviting when the time comes.

well, it's kind of contradictory, because I don't want to remind her of one of the problems of our marriage (me using money to control her).

is it all that cynical? that i have to force her to give up? is it all just another power game?

I tried to be nice to her the other day - she called me up while I was at the gym in the middle of my workout - my stepchildren were locked out of her house since they only have one key. She and her boyfriend were busy at work so she asked me if I could go. I went and also offered to get 2 keys cut for the children. "Just 2?", she said, smiling, implying that I was childishly not getting one for her boyfriend. She smiles when she tells me about him - wtf!?

just talked to her again - i basically refused to give her the money because why should i do anything to help out her new relationship. i got rather angry.

she claims that she needs "space" and that this thing is just meaningless and fulfills her needs. i told her that it wasn't meaningless to me. i think she's lying anyway, either to me or herself or to him.

she says that the door isn't closed on us. what's terrible is that the very best that i could ever hope for out of this terrible situation is to live with the memory of her sleeping with someone else.

Good job not financing the A.

Don't get angry though, no LB,etc. Need to Plan A and work on yourself.

Good luck

well, she just came round - says that she had a dream about me. we almost had sex, but I can't get over the image of her with another man.

I suppose it must be true that people get past these things - but I'm not sure I understand how right now. She says that she won't kick him out of her life, partly because she doesn't want to give up the security of him for the possibility of us, when she doesn't know if I'll be able to get past this.

I'm a bit pissed that she's putting this on me. It seems like it's such a small thing to get rid of him, why wouldn't she take that chance? If it doesn't work out, she can easily find someone else. I know that she's very scared of being alone.

How have other people gotten past this - in terms of always visualizing what happened? I suppose that she has to get past the same kind of thing from her side too - will i treat her the same way again?

I expect her to be able to take the risk, I should take it too.

My wife has said that if she did return, that I would always throw the affair back into her face. I have gotten over it forgiven her and am letting it pass. But it is hard to think of them together. It was mostly an EA for my wife, the closest physical they got was kissing. If I wouldn't have found out about it when I did, it probably would of went farther.

I have told her that because it didn't go any further than what it was, I can forgive and let it go. I have heard and read that even if things do work and you get back together, things still may not work out because you won't be able to forgive her. It is going to be very hard for you to keep your temper and animosity down toward your wife. You may need to have patience for her, but she must understand how you feel and have patience for you also.

As for money... I refuse to give her anything. At first she demanded 400 a month. I said no, as long as she is not here at home I am not supporting her. I told her if our son needs anything at all, let me know and I will do for him. But as for money so she can do what she wants, nope.

Good Luck
Rummi

One thing that would be encouraging is that I'd hope that our marriage would be much better in the future than it ever was before - I'm much more motivated to work on our problems now than I ever was before. I didn't really realize how important she was to me. And maybe she can have the same attitude to sorting out our problems.

So maybe that's something - there would be a lot to endure, but there might be more at the end than there ever was before.

I also believe this in my situation. The problem is that she doesn't feel this way. She doesn't believe our marriage will be better. That is where you have to show her that there is a reason to come back...without pushing and forcing it. You need to be who you are and were when you fell in love with each other. Show her that you are still there.

She left for a reason, weather you saw it or not, I know I didn't see it. The OP was just giving her what she wanted and wasn't getting from you. Now she won't let you give her what she wants. But she does notice the changes, she won't say it, but she sees it. Just do the best you can to be who you are.

Good Luck,
Rummi

But how do you intend to get past the images in your head of her with another man. Maybe it's easier for you since they didn't go very far physically.

Oh No, it is not easy at all. Some days are better than others. I tell myself that if I ever want my wife back, I have to get over. I have to forgive her, and forget about what happened. Because if I don't, then it will eat at me and I will resent her. I will be no good to her, my son or myself if I don't let it go. Getting angry and upset does nothing to improve myself. If anyone else can tell how they got over it, I would like to know also.

Good Luck,
Rummi