We have been married 7 years and together 10. WE have 2 kids together 14 months and 6 years. He is asking for a divorce because he says ours is broken and he wants us to start over. He wants to court me and try again. We moved to a new city in January so that he could start a new firm with a friend of his school. Since we moved, the firm has not really made any money and I have not been able to find a job. We have yet to sell our old house and can barely afford the new one. We have had issues over the years and I have always hoped that we would just get used to one anothers idiosyncrysis. I am unhappy with the amount of time the partner who is a woman spends calling him. She says he is her best friend and that she has a right to call him. I get that. But, after spending all day in the office, when do the kids and I get our time with him if she is always trying to get his attention? I give him credit that he does not take her calls and puts his phone away at night. Well, he started telling me to go have a day to myself while he took the kids. The first time he did he just "happened" to run into her and her family and the spent some time together. Then, the second time we got into an argument b/c now i don't trust him to take the kids- and i called her and told her to back off my husband to which she said they were friends yada, yada, yada. So she called him all upset and the met for lunch. 2nd big argument when i found out. I realize they are friends and i know they are not having an affair. He did it again. He went out to buy me a gift for mothers day and she just happened to go to the same place. This time I flew off the handle, woke thi kids up and put them in the car and left. He called me and said he would leave. So he did. I did not want him to. I overreacted and I know that. I have apologized profusely. Funny thing is he is mad that I do not appreciate the effort he went into in buying the gift. But, he wants the divorce to make sure I can't take the kids away from him. He says he is very hurt at things I have saide to him over the years and I agree that I have said some pretty means things over the years. I was trying to bully him into helping me out and I know that was the wrong way about it.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression and it ran unchecked for years. I am now taking herbs and going to counseling and for the first time in years i am feeling good. My anger issue is 98% gone. I am trying to show him that. He is a bit passive/agressive in that he wants to do things on his time. We have talked. He has told me that he does love me just not in the way he should and that he doesn't know if he ever will. But, he wants to have a friendship and build on that. We have talked about his lying to me and about my feelings regarding his friend. I don't care if they take the kids to the park for a few hours. Just don't do it every week. He says this but whenever we are together he hugs/holds me. Kisses me on the cheek or occasionally on the lips. Tells me he loves me after one day that we talked for 2 hours. I want to save my marriage and I think we can. We spent the day with the kids which I know is a major thing for him. He says he is afraid that I will blow up and that he will leave for good and not look back at him and I. Just based on the fact that we are talking and asking each other things and telling each other i don't like this or why did you do that. But I am not sure if it worth it some days. I know I am impatient. I like to get things done and dive right in and I know my mistakes and so forth. I am afraid the longer we are apart the less of a chance we have to put us back together again. He says he wants me to trust him and gets upset if he knows something is wrong and I won't talk to him about it. But, I get Mr. Hyde and I get a speech about how i should have treated him better all of these years and this is the consequence of my actions. Any advice on how to navigate this roller coaster is soo appreciated.

Oh, I can pretty much guarantee that they are.


Right, a version of the classic "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech of someone in an affair.



Right, so he can pursue the other relationship and see where it goes...

Anyway, none of this changes the other issues he may have with your depression, outbursts, etc, but please do not make the mistake of ignoring the red flags with the "friend".

AGG

I know. I don't think it is a sexual affair.
i do feel that is an emotional one. and I am hoping it will blow over soon. Right now, I want to put my relationship back together with him and fulfill whatever needs he is getting from her. He has been honest about seeing her after work for dinner and when my 6 year old said that they were playing with her son- my dh was quick to tell me no. He has nothing to lose in lying to me. We have talked about that. Her husband called me asking the same thing and we both agreed that it was not physical. She had a huge accident in Feb. and ever since then she has changed. She is saying she is not getting emotional support from my husband but she is getting it from mine more. I think she is needy and he is willing to listen. But- I also think that he needs to respect my feelings about her.

There is alot of material on this site to help you understand your situation. It is at a minimum an emotional affair. Read up on those.
The Harley's offer telephone counseling which can help turn things around. Also, there is a weekend seminar in early August in San Francisco (if you are close). That could be just the thing to put your marriage back on track.

You have had many stresses to deal with lately, move, house sale, new jobs/no job, so there is alot of pressure in your life. I hope you can find the help you need on the Concepts part of this website.

An emotional affair can be as damaging to a marriage as a physical one. In fact, it can be even worse.

As most folks will tell you, the key to stopping an affair is exposure, as affairs flourish in secrecy but can rarely survive the light of day. The fact that both you and her husband suspect that something is wrong, pretty much confirms that something is.

AGG

Gosh, I can't imagine how much more out in the open this could get! Sending the wife away for a day so that you can take the children to the park together is flagrant. They were playing "family" and testing the waters.

I'd read up on Plan A and start snooping.

Who else is in their firm? Anyone? Or is it just hte two of them all day?

HUGS and prayers. I'm sorry you've got all this going on right now.

If your husband files for divorce, please get the very best attorney you can. Partnership situations are dangerous if the two of them decide to hide the money. In most states you would be entitled to his half of the partnership. In fact, unless the partnership can buy you out, you become an equal partner with him in the firm.