Hello, everybody!!!! I am brand new here, I discovered this and other resources (like Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough) way too late, because I've done just about everything WRONG!!! I am a seperated woman, 34 years old with 3 evil children (not really, they're great, I just like saying that), son - 12, son - 9, and daughter - 7. My soon to be ex and I seperated back in Feb 06, he basically left me and the children. At the time he was working a 12 hour a night job, and I worked days, and we lived out in the country so we both had long commutes. We weren't communicating, seeing each other, and finances were a mess. He basically worked and slept, and I worked, took care of the kids, home, and stressed over finances and just about everything else. The 3 years before he left, I really just remember being tired, just so extremely exhausted, like it took massive amounts of effort just to move sometimes, and I felt so hopeless and stressed all the time. I was also eating all the time, and all the wrong things, so I was putting on more weight and was heavier than I had ever been in my entire life, which added to my fatigue. I didn't know at the time, but I was borderline diabetic, so any of the sugars and carbs I ate instantly added to my fatigue. So I wasn't a very pleasant person when my STB-Ex was there. Because of his job, he could never lift a finger around the house or with the kids. But then he started seeing someone at work, and he suddenly didn't need the sleep he always claimed he needed, he could stay out after work and go out, spend hours on the phone, that sort of thing. I noticed the change in his behavior in the Spring of '05, when he really began to distance himself emotionally from myself and the kids. The finances were in a horrible state, my job not going well, kids out of control and I was majorly stressing, but he just did not seem to care at all! I felt I was almost ready to have a complete breakdown, was even considering getting my own small apartment just to get away from it all. But we sat down and agreed on a plan of action, but he still remained distant. I think the affair began in the Fall of '05, although he denies it was physical until after he moved out. That was when he began staying out after work, keeping his cell with him at all times, and suddenly everything wrong in our marriages was my fault, I ruined his dreams, etc. I knew something was going on because he was talking about this woman he worked with all the time. At first, I didn't think it could possibly be her, because she was 12 years older than him, on her 5th marriage, and raising her 2 small granddaughters because her daughter was a loser drug addict in and out of jail and no job. He moved into an apartment, left the children and I to deal with the financial situation, including running out of gas to and from work, going a whole week without electricity, etc. He paid what he wanted when he wanted. We ended up declaring bankruptcy and lost everything! I finally got him to confess the affair in June '06. I went through a horrible depression, but I lost a lot of weight (good side to everything, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />). Not much help from family, but I have some wonderful friends who helped me through this. But, like I said, I did everything wrong. I cried, picked fights with him in fron of the kids, begged and pleaded for him to come back, etc.
I used to be a strong woman who never in a million years would have humiliated myself like I did over the past year, but here I am. And he took advantage of it and played me as much as he could. We went back and forth so much. However, in the Fall of '06, I finally realized how much damage I was doing to the children (brought to my attention by the school). So I worked on the way I was handling this, and really began to focus on my kids. This year has turned out much better, and myself and the children are doing well. I have a new job that I love and makes decent money, the kids are starting a new school, and I'm looking decent. My problem is this: apparently, OW just moved to another state with her husband, who she has never left or given up anything, while my husband gave up everything. Throughout it all, he would never stop contact with her, wanted to marry her, and has an apartment full of stuff she gave or bought for him. I gave him numerous chances to come back, but he would naver give her up. Now, he is talking about wanting us to get back together. BUT I DON'T WANT HIM BACK ANYMORE!!!! Am I wrong? I feel nothing but contempt for him, no love or anything whatsoever. I want nothing to do with him, don't want to talk or be his friend, just want to get on with my life. We filed in March (with money he gave me that his OW gave him). Now he is refusing to sign the Final decree. I have a lot of resentment towards him and I don't think I can ever forgive him for some things. Also, I think it's for the wrong reasons. I told him all along I would not be a 2nd choice. Yet he kept it going all the way up until she physically moved to another state, only a few days ago, just wanted me there on the back burner until there was no chance whatsoever with OW. I can't accept that! I'm just the better deal now - she's gone, I've lost weight, taking care of myself in regards to diet so I don't get full blown diabetes, have more energy, great job, finances under control, good relationships with my kids, great friends, better attitude and going to counseling to deal with personal issues - and he wants to take advantage of this and not pay child support. So am I wrong? I know I'm being a bit spiteful and vengeful, and I know I should forgive, but I have a hard time with it. I get very angry when I think back about certain incidents (like not having electricity), and I just don't think I could ever make a marriage work with him ever again. Plus, it's all talk, I have never seen any action to back up his words ever, but even if he did, I still don't think I would change my mind. I'm still pressing forward with the divorce. What does everyone think? I value your input!!!

Welcome. How was your husband as a partner and father BEFORE the affair? My answer will hinge on that.

By the way, my ex wanted to come back after nearly 4 years. It wasn't the affair so much that bothered me, but all the other stuff that happened as a consequence. I totally lost respect for him. Now we are divorced, and I am happy.

Flyrec - Welcome to MB. I am going through a tough time now as well, though I'm on the other end of the spectrum as you. You can read my story by clicking the link in my sig if you want to.

That said, this is a great place for information, perspective and even comfort. The folks here have heard, seen, or done it all. I don't think there is a point of view not covered somewhere on this forum.

IMO, it is perfectly reasonable for you to not want your H back. Especially if he hasn't shown any real signs of remorse or a real desire to change. Oh, he might be sorry that he's lost two women and that he's alone now, but until he shows through actions that he's sorry for what he's done, not just to you but to your children too, there is no reason for you to take him back.

Read up on the concept of "Safety". If you do ever feel tempted to take him back for any reason, determine first what it will take for you to feel safe with him again. What are YOUR criteria? What are YOUR boundaries?

Anyway, start by reading the Basic Concepts on this website. It is the fundamental process by which the place operates and it will prepare you for the kind of dialog people here will have with you.

Well, there were good times, and some periods that were great! But I think I was also blindly in love with him, because I tend to analyze every little detail, and it seems there are some things i overlooked that I should have seen. I was 18 when I met him, 20 when I married, and so ignorant. I think I matured and he did not. Never marry a man who has never lived on his own!!!!

Thanks, Seabird! I've learned so much on this site, wish i had discovered it a year ago. I agree with your analysis - there is no real remorse, and he is so complacent. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life or start over again with someone else than go back w/him.

There is very often no remorse until months and months after the affair is over and there is no contact with the affair partner. So I wouldn't use that as a guide.

Affairees are like drug addicts and will give up EVERYTHING, and do ANYTHING to sustain their affair. So their behavior is deplorable.

I would look at the whole picture. If your husband wasn't much of a husband and father throughout the marriage, I would be done with him. If, on the other hand, he was basically good, and slipped with the affair, I would give it more time.

I divorced, because after I got over the shock of it I realized that my ex was NEVER that great of a husband.

Good advice, Believer! I don't know, the trial date isn't until November so i guess he has that long to prove it. But it would take something miraculous to make me want to try again. Things are just going too well now, the kids finally have a stable environment, and I just don't want to screw it all up.

I would not be in a hurry, and just see what happens between now and November. We see a lot of miracles around here.