I posted this in another thread for newly married couples and was told it would be better to post here so...

We have been married for two years now, dated for three before that. We have had some major problems with trust and other things. I am 100% committed to making my marriage work. I read a lot of self help books and listen to tapes. One of the first things I did was bought a photo album for our pictures. It was something we could do together. Today that photo album is on the bookshelf collecting dust. The second idea was to write in journals. We would take turns writing the days events and it would give us time together and something to look back on. This lasted two months, again I pushed it soon after our 1 year anniversary, she only wrote one more time. I bring it up every now and than but she says things like, “we should do that another time.” About six months ago she went on a business trip and each night called me around three in the morning and made comments like, me and my co-worker or going out on a date tonight. When she got back we got in a major fight. I thought about leaving and even told her I was going to. She begged me not to and I said “under one condition. We complete the Anthony Robbins relationship program I read about.” She promised she would complete it. She lasted six days and quite.

Now for today. Recently I came across marriage builders and bought the program. She promised we would commit to completing the program together. Each day I had to remind her about it. Two days in a row she spent our time we were going to watch the tapes, at the neighbors watering their flowers. We actually finished the program and I wanted to write everything we had learned down and make a promise to live by the principles we had learned. Two days later I typed it out, printed it and we both signed it. Well, a couple of days later we signed it after reminding her a couple of times. Part of the promise was to meet each Sunday at 3:30 to plan our day. This was one month ago. She has missed EVERY TIME. Finally, on a Wednesday we sat down and mapped out the week. She promised we would spend the scheduled time together each day and each day something would happen that she could not do it. Now, I understand that work and stuff gets in the way but both of us work at home and just a couple of hours a day at the most. She is always at one of the neighbors during our scheduled time.

Additionally, we had promised to tell each other everything open and honestly. Two days later she lied about an email address and four days latter lied/hid again about communicating with another man. She promised that she was sorry and promised again to delete the account. Today it is still up.

Wow, I know that was a lot to write and read so thanks for hanging in there with me. My question, yes there is a question, what do I do? I want my marriage to work but it’s almost like she doesn’t. I am always trying to work hard at it. Getting babysitters, taking her out, buying programs and reading books. I have always told her things I like and appreciate, and she never does them. She is always pushing me as much as she can. Inappropriate emails with other men, lying about where she has been and hiding pictures and messages.

She promises she only loves me and has never been with another man. It would create so much more trust if she would just show some commitment in the relationship but every time she lets me down. I love my wife and love my daughter. I grew up in a broken home and don’t want that for my child. I just don’t know what to do about my wife. Should I just give up or am I going about it the wrong way. How can I work on my marriage when the other person will not?

Hi.

Do you know what your wife's top 3 emotion needs are? If not the do the EN questionaire, I think you can get it on the Marriage Builders home page.

I will say that you should stop trying to educate your wife. Stop trying to get her to sign pieces of paper. If you want to do a photo album, great, do one. Stop trying to get her to do it with you though. These things are only going to cause her to pull away from you and empty her Love Bank. You need to start making some deposits there . . . that is why you need to find out what her needs are.

Her secrecy isn't a good thing at all. Her lying is worse. You will have to tackle those issue, but one step at a time. When you find yourself in a hole the first thing you need to do is stop digging . . . in this situation you need to stop love busting her.

Low self esteem, needs a man (other than her husband whose affection, flattery is expected) to give it to her. Continually needs to be propped up with praise, flattery, told how beautiful she is, etc......I am on getting close on her?

If no, then I missed the mark.....If yes, then she needs IC in order to determine why she can't be happy with herself, why their is no contentment in her life, she always needs to be in search of the next "thing".

Are either or both of you in church, Christians?

JTN,

As I read your post I started thinking "Gosh who died and made you headmaster?" And I was just to the part about buying the journals!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Spouses need to always work hard on their marriage, but I don't think this means sitting through video program after video program and then writing reports on them.

Unless both parties agree AND ENJOY DOING IT!!

You enjoy reading self help books and listening to tapes. Sounds like she does not. And if you continue to force this down her she may start resenting it and drift away from you.

Could it be that your enthusiasm (fanaticism?) for this particular genre' be turning her off??


I totally agree with CN, stop being the headmaster. Also definitally do the EN questionnaire. (Tell her this is the last thing you will ask her to fill in)

Her lying and hiding things may stem from the resentment she feels.

IMHO

kirk

Comfortably Numb

I guess I never thought about it like that. I always placed my behavior as “good for the marriage.” I guess I got wrapped up in constant improvement and never thought about her needs.

hopeandpray

Your right on the mark although I think she has mixed emotions about her self esteem. She is VERY confident about her look/body. As for building her up, she is funny that way. When I build her up, complements, flowers, etc she pulls away. If I stay distant she pulls closer.

krusht

"Gosh who died and made you headmaster?"

I guess my grandfather? Seriously, I thought the same thing when I re-read my own words. I tend to treat things like a business and sometimes that runs into my marriage. Growing up, you had to be firm and confident to survive in my house. My mother was a success lawyer and father was the CEO of a large mining company. We were pushed for excellence so it’s kind of in my hard wiring to be the best and that’s what I wanted for my marriage. My wife is completely different although her parents were successful in there own right. Mother was a school teacher and later joiner college instructor, father was a business owner. Anyway, off the point. I don’t think I’m omnicompetent but that drives me more to study and learn. In my head if its broke, learn about it, study it, than fix it yourself. I guess I just looked at my marriage the same way.



Looking back my post almost sounds funny. To make things a little clearer, I LOVE MY WIFE. I have never loved anyone like I love her. I think that is what scares me so much. Take away any other piece of my life and I know I could recover. I could start another business, grow more wealth, establish myself again. I could overcome any obstacle, but the thought of losing my wife…well I don’t know if I would ever recover.

I spent a long, long time in school to learn my trade. I have been to countless seminars and training programs. I have worked my way from the bottom to the top. But I don’t care about my job 1/100th of the way I care about my wife and child. I guess I just thought what worked for one thing would work in another.

Thank you again to everyone.

JTN,

""But I don’t care about my job 1/100th of the way I care about my wife and child.""

OK, so do you know what her top 3 emotional needs are??

Does she know what your top 3 emotional needs are??

TOP PRIORITY--Get the emotional needs questionnaire, this is a good way to start the discussion.

kirk

JTN:

I think we married the same woman. My situation sounds just like yours. My wife sounds just like yours. This thread had good suggestions about figuring out my wife's EN rather than trying to get her to read a bunch of stuff.

I've gone through similar experience with the secrecy, the hiding and the lies. I know how it feels.

I recommend, though, that you don't present it as "Let's do this" and tell her to do the questionnaire. It might go over better if you present the questionnaire with the attitude of "I love you. I want to do more to meet your needs. I know I can be a better husband, please help learn what you most need from me and I will do my best to be a better husband."