Post deleted by Katwmn07

After reading this, I realized I forgot to mention that he was telling his ex and his BF that I wanted out and that I cheated on him! I'm not perfect, but I am not unfaithful by any means. I am taking a couple of weeks to really get back into the Word of God, while he is out doing his thing, but I still hate feeling hurt! When I got married, I meant every word of my vows. I don't know what happened! I feel like its my fault, and that I married a 28 year old baby!

Welcome to MB. The principles here can help, but they aren’t a guarantee. Often, when there is infidelity involved, we talk about spouses “rewriting history.” For example, saying “I never was really in love with you. I just cared for you as a very good friend.”

However, in certain situations the MB principles and the patterns exhibited by wayward spouses are misleading. This is true when there is addiction, abuse or emotional/mental illness. Read back over your first post. There are a lot of red flags. He lied to you, but he also lied to his ex-girlfriend and best friend. It could just be that he was covering up his emotional affair, but still why lie to the affair partner (XGF)? Then, you said he hasn’t had an intimate conversation with anyone since his dad died—ten years ago. This isn’t a good sign. Emotionally healthy people have intimate conversations. Not wanting to have sex is not a good sign in a 28 year old.

I know you don’t believe in divorce. But, if it turns out this man was/is emotionally unavailable to you, you may want to consider an annulment.

If you move to the state where he’s living now, do you have any family or friends there besides him? I’m worried about the stress of trying to save your marriage from an affair when you are fresh out of college, looking for a job, with no support net. Saving your marriage is an uphill battle once there’s an affair. You need to be where there are people to give you hugs.

Also, consider posting this on General Questions II. You’ll get many more replies.

My intention is to go out of state, where he is, and let him know I am there for him. I feel like he is in withdrawl at the moment, and he is making excuses because he is not wanting to take responsibility and grow up. We met in college, and he graduated a year ago- right before we got married.

I don't have any immediate family out there, but his family is totally supportive. I talk to my sister in law, since we have a lot in common.

Also, we've talked some about plans for the future and kids, but never anything really deep. He barely ever talked about his dad. When my dad said something to him about his late father, then my H got offended. My H thought that by marrying me, he would also be getting rid of that void in his life that his father left him with when he passed. My inlaws are going to try to help him with his void, but I really don't want to give up yet. When I married, I made a covenant with my H and God, and if I got a D, then I would feel like I turned my back on both of them. I am a fighter, and I really want to work on this, even if it takes a while. I read somewhere that you can only work on YOU, and if the other person wants to be receptive and work it out later, then he might if he knows that you are working on it yourself.

Personally, I think my H suffers from depression and he is not ready to grow up. Perhaps if I give him time, things will work out for the better?

Well, if you want to work on this, you need to stop being disrespectful of your husband. Saying he needs to grow up is very disrespectful. He is grown up. Just because he's left you does not mean he's not grown up. He also may simply not choose to take responsibility for the marriage or other areas of his life. That would make a relationship wiht him challenging, but he's still an adult.

My ex is what some would call irresponsible. In general, he goes with the flow and figures stuff will just turn out alright. He's very willing to accept the help of others. He doesn't plan for the future, and he has a sense of entitlement. Luckily, when it comes to our children, he has some strong points. I couldn't live that way myself. And he didn't want to change. Perhaps, he couldn't live my way either. It's who he is.

So, you need to respect where your husband is. He's an adult. And right now, he's an adult torn between an ex-girlfriend and his wife of one year. From what you've said, he's been leaning toward the old girlfriend.

It's Plan A for you. Stop all LBs including disrespectful judgments. You may even want to tread lightly when discussing his girlfriend. Obviously, you are against this behavior. It destroys the marriage. On the other hand, calling him a brainless cowardly worm probably wouldn't make him want to come back.

You need to meet whatever emotional needs he'll let you meet. This is hard when he's far away. When you're closer, you can be available to meet needs. Domestic support--you can make him a nice dinner. Sexual Fulfillment? That would be up to you, but use protection in case this is more than an emotional affair. Attractive spouse? My guess is you still look the same as when he proposed, so you're good there. Recreation? What does he like to do? You could invite him to do that with you. And so on.

In Plan A, you usually don't get your own needs met. So, you can't count on him for anything. Plan A is really important because it makes you seem like an attractive viable option to the affair partner.

One caution about in laws. Sometimes, they remain supportive of the betrayed spouse throughout, and it's wonderful. Other times, blood proves thicker than water, and they become more distant. If they have to choose, they tend to choose their blood.



Have you identified his Emotional Needs? Have you identified the LoveBuster behaviors that you engaged in? That's a great place to begin. The relationship with XGF is already out in the open, so exposure is taken care of.

I completely see what you are saying. Last time I talked to him on the phone, I apologized for being disrespectful and selfish. He was really forgiving, but he says he is not to the point where he wants to work it out yet. He is still relishing in his Independence and Dishonest behavior, both of which are LBs. I know this is going to take some time and it will inevitably be very hurtful, but I know my place is out of state near my H- even if it is not in the same home (that will make it harder, though, right? not being in the same home?) Anyhow, I hope things work out. My H calls me when he wants something, and he says he still cares about me, but he doesn't "love" me. I guess I'll just give it some time...

My H called me earlier to tell me that he wanted a D. He says he didn't love me anymore, and he didn't want to work on it. No, I don't believe in D. I still am in love with my H very much, but now I don't know what to do. If there ever was a time for reconcilliation, I would need to do it out there. Any advice????????