I can't take the hurt. My mind is driving me nuts. I want to just die and make the pain go away.

Please help me get through him coming to the house and going through the garage and throwing stuff out.

The anger inside me is boiling over and the sadness is beyond what I can handle. He doesn't care if I hurt, he just wants to be gone with his family. It's all about him. He is tired of putting other people first and wants to put himself first.

I don't want to kill myself because of my kids, but this pain.

Barbara

I know how you feel. I've been there many times in the last 2 years. But it does pass, ever so slowly at first but then a little easier with time. Just keep going and remember you are not alone. {{{{HUGS}}}}

I know this isn't probably what you wanted to hear, but when you feel like this, how about some form of exercise. When I am really angry, I run or fast walk it out. The entire time, I am having the conversation I want to have in my head, and pounding the pavement as hard and as fast as I can. It really helps to release a lot of junk. Not to mention very healthy.

I know it is so tough to have all this anger and sadness and not know where to put it.

I would go exercise except he is on his way here or at least he said so.

He was supposed to come yesterday but called to say he had to go be home with her. It makes me sick when I think of them together. The lies, the betrayal of being involved with her for over a year.

I want him to hurt as bad as me. He told me on the morning he got busted how much he loved me, he came home and cooked me dinner.

I know I made mistakes, but why am I being punished by losing my husband.

Why do you have to be there?

Because we have stuff that needs to go through. And I want to see him. I love him and miss him so much.

I am one pathetic human being.

Okay, I understand. That run/walk maybe real good after he leaves.

One thing, be strong while he's there. You know the drill...no begging, crying, etc. Be strong and positive.

Should I tell him I love him and miss him?

I really don't know. Have you read about plan A?

Ask those here who have been where you are. Like mimi, orchid, pepperband, etc. They really know how to work the plan.

edited to add, I don't think I would be all over him professing my love and how much I miss him. I think I would be in a positive mood. Helpful. Maybe when going through your stuff throw in a couple remember when moments in relations to the stuff. Try to laugh. Give him a hug before he leaves and then tell him you love him. Don't appear to be needy.

I went through this as well. I had a pretty messed up childhood, but no pain was ever as bad as this.

We all make mistakes. Some of us make the same mistakes several times over and over again. For example, I used to forget to look behind me to make sure my soon to be ex's car wasn't behind mine in the driveway. I did this 3 times. I felt bad at the time for the damage. Now when I think back about it, it makes me laugh! (In a very evil way).

I also went through all my storage, all my boxes of memorabilia and photo albums and removed every item from our wedding, the cake toppers, every card he ever gave me, and every picture that had his face in it. I tore it all up and left it in a pile on his bed. That made me feel better. I pawned the rings for gas money, which made me feel better and helped me out. I broke his window in his apt. by kicking it when he and OW were inside together, and that made me feel good!

Okay, I'm a little extreme, and very mean, but maybe you aren't and that's okay. Most important - SURROUND YOURSELF WITH LOVING FRIENDS AND/OR FAMILY!!! This is the most important part! When you feel like you do, I know how it is. You are so depressed and hurt. Nothing brings you joy, you feel disassociated from you feelings. The people or events that used to bring you joy and happiness don't anymore, and you feel numb to it all. THIS, TOO, WILL PASS!!! you will feel like staying home and crying, but don't. Go out with your friends. Go to Happy Hour, to movies, library, whatever floats your boat. Get active. I honestly believe the best revenge is to live well, and so you should. Go shopping, buy some new clothes, ones that you wanted but were maybe too timid to try. Get a new hair do, a new look, get highlights. He will see your happy and changing and wonder why. I don't know why this is, but the person having the affair can damage you so badly, and act like things are so great with OW/OM, but they just can't stand it if you are getting on with life without them and enjoying yourself. It's like they want to do this incredibly selfish, hurtful act, and expect you to just cry at home every night until they are done having their fun. DON'T DO IT!!!

That's my 2 cents (not sure if it was worth that much, actually). Anyway, I hope I at least brought a smile. I have one strange sense of humor! But i feel for you and am praying for you!

Please try to have someone else there with you. The WS doesn't even see your pain - that is the sad part. You are just like a piece of furniture to them. You need to start protecting your heart.

believer, how should she act toward him while there? She wants/has to be with him to go through this stuff. Having someone there with her is a great idea!

gal - there is NO reason why you have to go through the stuff together. YOU go through it first, keep what you want, and let him have the rest.

Anything else, let the lawyers work it out. I'm serious.

It is only going to torment you to death to see your WH and the worst thing will be seeing his utter indifference to your pain.

Please take control of this situation. Stop allowing him to hurt you this way. He will not protect you, so that leaves YOU. Get some friends and family to help you with the stuff and then tell him to stay the bleep away because his cruelty is too much for you to stand right now.

Take Control of This Situation. You can do this. If you need to, have a friend drive you to the ER, tell them you are having a panic attack, tell them why, and they will prescribe something on the spot for the emotional pain.

You can do this.
Mulan

He came before I was able to get back on here. He just used his key to come in. And he says he can't come home because it's not his home anymore.

I spent the last 4 hours with him going through stuff, talking and totally listening (I might add to the most boring crap - but I didn't interrupt and I asked questions regarding what he was talking about, I really showed interest and let him talk for as long as he liked), I laughed mostly, but he laughed a little, we talked about memories, a little about our relationship to see his gauge, got off that topic quick - he really is in a mid life crisis and was so unhappy. One thing I did tell him was I wished he had shared that with me because we could have worked through it - and that I loved him that much to support him, we talked about the kids, I encouraged him to contact the boys who he hasn't spoken to in two months since he left (they were the ones who confronted him about the A).

It was so weird, we were handing things back and forth to each other and he slipped and called me babe, he didn't mean to, but it totally slipped out. I didn't mention it at all.

The OW kept calling and he didn't answer, she even text, and then she called him on OUR cell phone. I heard him under his breathe say I'll deal with that later. I don't think he thought I heard him. And then we went to our park and played frisbee for a while, and talked some more and I really just let him talk for as long as he liked.

We did talk about what our next house will be like. I asked some questions. It's still totally about him, but at least I gathered information. I was a little leary about talking about me moving into an apt. What do you think, should I have?

I found out that he is learning that he can be alone - evidently takes walks alone at night, and that he can surivive through this.

He is living in an absolutely chaotic environment, in a complex where there is much violence and I think a one bedroom apt. The OW is still on state disability and takes care of an old guy that is sick and probably dying, but took his Harley out and crashed it. He will be in rehab for another week or so.

He asked what we were doing tomorrow and I told him, that the boys and I would get up and decide that together. I hope, but am not sure if he is checking to see if the changes in me are real. At one point he made a comment and I asked him to clarify and he went to say that in the "old", I stopped him and said those days are gone. I don't do those things now. And at one point I did stand up for myself and asked him when he spoke to speak about himself and not her. For the most part he kept to it.

I offered to make him stir fry dinner, but he said no thank you. I wished he had, but oh well.

I didn't tell him how much weight I lost, but it's really starting to get noticed.

So, please advise? Is there hope, did I do good? What's my next step.

I appreciate you all so much, now I am heading to AA to remember who I am.

Warmly,
Barbara

One more thing. When he left, I hugged him, told him I loved him and believed in him, and then said I believed in us. He has in the past told me he loves me back, but not this time. I was a little sad. Is that normal?

He just looked at me, though I can't tell what he was thinking. He almost grabbed out for me, but held back.

Is that a good sign?


B

You did very well. The affair will never last. You just need to take good care of yourself in the meantime. But today was great. Give yourself a pat on the back.

How do you know the affair will never last?

I am taking care of myself. Since he has left, I have lost 39 lbs, gone back to AA, gotten a sponsor, am working the steps, am beginning to see a life without him, am addressing every addiction I have, including food, money, and craziness. The house is relatively clean, but we are moving, and the money is being handled responsibly. I begin my counseling sessions on Thursday.

Please say a prayer for me. I love him so much. I know he misses his kids but he just isn't willing to take responsibility for any of his actions. He is such in a mid life crisis.

But there's hope, right?

Thank you,
Barbara

I agree with believer. It won't last, and it sounds like you did really well. Read all the plan A stuff. Talking too much about the relationship probably isn't helpful because it's something he can't hear right now.

I think you did very well, and there is a lot of reason to be hopeful.

Help me understand why you don't think it will last so I know what information to watch for.

As per the relationship stuff, is that talking about the past, present or future?

Thanks,
SD

SG, what I have to say has nothing to do with any prediction about what will happen with your WH. I think I've said before that from here this affair looks as doomed as any I've ever seen.

Regardless, prepare for him to get worse. More thoughtless, more insensitive, more indifferent. Please, please get ready for this.

And for goodness sake do not let this man's comings and goings be a matter of life and death for you.

Are you on antidepressants? You should be. What you're dealing with is harder than most anything in the world and you need all the help you can get. You have a strong attachment to your husband. I'd bet that your self image is largely held together by the stuff of this attachment, and losing it means your idea of yourself is losing some of what holds it together. This is very serious but you can and must handle it. Handling it will make you better in the end no matter what happens.

I hope this makes some sense.

So are you? On ADs I mean.

GC