Well my "problem" now is that I would really like to reconcile with XH. I don't want to fight... and even in the disagreement over the vacation thing, when he exploded into an AO, I didn't fight. I refused to stand there and be called names - and I walked away from that (something I never could have done in the past - I'd have thrown worse names back!). At that point, he left - which angered me at the time, but in hindsight (a few hours later) I realized that was the best thing for him to do, otherwise we'd have stayed here at work all day, sniping at each other.

During the M, if he stormed out during an argument, that just threw another log onto the fire for me, and I escalated it. No more. If he wants to leave - let him leave. I'll get on with business and when we're both calm again, we can discuss it like the adults that we are.

When I threw out the olive branch, he responded in kind and actually apologized for the AO, owned it, and filed it in his place - he was angry and the statements were uncalled for and for *that* he was sorry. Fair enough - I accepted that - we all lose our cool from time to time, and he didn't qualify it saying it was all true (because he knows it isn't) - he just said that he was angry and upset and lashed out. It's not OK to do that, but since it was done, I think it was very mature of him to own it and apologize for *that* even though he disagreed with me.

He'd never have done that in the M. Any apologies had to be solicited and they weren't sincere when he was invited to apologize.

He's grown, I've grown. I think I'm farther along the learning curve at this point than he is - his other actions still show that he's getting there but he's not there yet. I'm not there yet either, but I'm actively working on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In trying to woo him back, I've been told here that I need to show him that my life is moving on. It is moving on. I want him back, but I know that if that never happens, my life will continue and it will be good, because it is and will be what I make of it. I'm told that he won't come around until he sees with his own eyes that I'm moving on.

And to steer this post back "on topic"... part of that moving on means that if I have plans with the kids, and he springs something on me at the last minute, then I need to grow a pair and not be afraid to tell him NO - we have plans. I don't even think I need to be "sorry" about that. He *knows* the path back home is there and the door is open. If he chooses not to take that path, that's his issue. I'm not going to hold the door open forever - it may remain open a crack... but meanwhile I'm inside, doing what I need and want to do to carry on. Just because I want something/someone who doesn't want me too, doesn't mean that life stops - no siree... life goes on, and life is good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Maybe once he sees that, he may want to join us - maybe not - but if not, that's *his* loss.

JinGA

Granted, teens begin to develop schedules of their own, what with all their activities and social life and all, but that really shouldn't affect the parenting schedule.

One parent can get them to practice or a concert or a sleepover just as well as the other.

I have had parenting time with my DD whereas I hardly got to see her because she had plans of her own. Plans that I allow her to make during our time together. She checks with me first to get the nod of approval.

Teens (IMO) need structure as much, if not more than the little tykes do. They may resist a structured schedule but who's in charge?

It's ok to tell a teen NO also. If they want to have a slumber party at mom's house but its dad's weekend, the teen may have to make other plans. Dad may already have plans for their time together.

As kids turn into teens it's important for parents to manage their plans and activities along WITH the teens. You should not throw your parenting schedule to the wind simply because they become more active.

I agree. My kids are all teens now. My XH actually doesn't see them often at all because they ditch him as quickly as they ditch me. That's part of being a teenager, seperating from the parents a little at a time.

Loni

Oh I agree - and XH and I help each other and our kids out in that regard.

And if one asks if he/she can go someplace or do something when it's anticipated that they'll be with their father, HE has to OK it first. Trouble with that is that XH isn't on a 'schedule' per se, so if the kids make plans, they usually take precedence.

Believe me I know how to say NO - we live on very little money so there isn't much extra to do much. I've got great kids - they don't ask for much and what they do ask for is realistic and more often than not they actually *deserve* what they ask for and receive.

Everybody's situation is a bit different - in my case XH and I live less than a mile apart, so sharing pickup/delivery duty is easy.

JinGA

I guess that I am glad that I have young kids, and not teenagers! LOL!

It would be a lot more complicated then...
Right now my kids are 2 1/2 and soon to be 5 (even though she has been telling people that she is 5 because she is as BIG as a 5 year old ).

What I really, really struggle with is this:

I never wanted to cause my kids any kind of pain that would scar them for life (like, IMO, divorce)

I had kids with my WH thinking that we would be together forever, raising our kids.

I feel guilt in all of this (even though it is not all of my fault), and I have been encouraged by many in both of our families to act "friendly" to WH, it is better for the kids.
I want what is best for my kids, but I do not want to compromise my beliefs for it (such as being friendly with a spouse that would not work things out at all).

I do not want to send them the message that it is OK. The breakup of our M was not ok with me. It was what he wanted, and drove me to. I wanted my D's to learn that M is a thing to take seriously, put first. And now I cannot tell them that. I want what is best for them, without being taken advantage of by WH.

It is confusing. But the thing is, if he is lurking around, having 'family time' with the kids, it gets me into comfort mode with him. I let my guard down. So I cannot let that happen anymore. I want what is best for the kids, but on the same vein, I want to move on from WH. Not necessarily with another man, but in general. I have been doing a good job, but it is amazing how easily (once the emotions ran dry!) life does just go on... without him. BUT... I do not want my girls to feel that way too. I don't know. I know that the D will scar them in some way, but I have to also think of this: they will be better off too because I have not been an upset, tense, nagging wreck anymore.

So maybe that will outweigh the bad? I hope so....

Thanks for all of your stories!

There is a balance, Sadmo. You don't have to be friendly or have him spend time with you and the children together. That actually can be very confusing for the children and makes it more difficult for them to accept the divorce. I know because I saw the results when D married my Mom.

Rather then being "friendly" be "civil." Be polite.

I'm the child of divorce. The divorce did not scar me anywhere near as much as the kind of family life we had. It destroyed my sense of what was healthy in relationships. I was crying to my shrink when my parents divorced, saying that now my chances of getting divorced were increased by 50%. So they were. But, he said it wasn't because of the divorce so much as because of the relationship behaviors modeled before the divorce.

One gift our mother gave us was never bewailing the divorce. Of course, in our case, divorce was the best thing that ever happened to our family, so to pretend otherwise would have been ludicrous. That said, I think it's a fine line between disapproving of a STBX's behavior that hurt the family and putting the children in a very stressful middle. Even saying "Your mother/father wanted this. I never did" creates conflicting loyalties. Children know a lot. The figure out more as they get older.

BTW, why can't you tell them that marriage is serious business and it needs to be put first? Just because you're getting divorced doesn't mean you don't know this to be true. You're not disqualified from teaching your children and maybe helping them avoid the mistakes you and your husband made. Got to run.

Hugs.

I agree with being civil vs. friendly. It sets a good example to your xh and your kids.

My kids were older when the A happened and knew about it before I did. They were able to easily figure out who messed up the marriage. Doesn't mean that they love their dad any less, although, all of them have stated they don't respect him as much.

I don't badmouth my XH to the kids. I also have worked very hard to not badmouth the OW. My kids know that I don't like her and want nothing to do with her but I don't talk badly of her any longer. I won't, however, act cordial/civil with her. I treat her as if she doesn't exist and she is not welcome to come to my home at any time. My XH is allowed only because he is related to them.

If it weren't for the kids, I would have written both of these people out of my life a long time ago.

Loni