But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

care and thoughtfulness

"We often rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we're doing our spouse a favor. If he or she would only see the light of our superior opinion, we tell ourselves, he or she would be much happier. We're just pointing out a personal flaw to help him become a better person."

"When we try to impose our opinions and values on our spouse, we imply that he or she has poor judgement. And that's disrespectful."

"I'm not saying that you shouldn't disagree with your spouse. But I want to encourage you to respectfully disagree. Present your point of view as an opinion, not a fact. And explain why you have that opinion."

Mimi Wrote:
He is not saying that he applauds this as preparation for divorce. He sees it as STRESSFUL and RISKY part of a PLAN FOR MARITAL RECOVERY

Mimi,

Plan B, according to Harley's methodology, is also preparing for divorce. You realize that, yes?

Rosey wrote:
Well .... does say that the RISK is that Plan B will end in divorce.

This is why Plan B should not be started without consulting a professsional (the Harleys!). This is why Plan B should not be used as a manipulation tool in a power struggle with the WS. [color:"blue"] This is why a BS neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds to reach detachment and acceptance - because the outcome is not guaranteed.[/color]

People just seem to forget that Affairs cause divorce - not plan B.

Plan B just gives the marriage it's best chance to recover

Once Plan B has run its course, and if not effectual, the next logical step is divorce.

Plan B just gives the marriage it's best chance to recover!

Jo wrote:
Once Plan B has run its course, and if not effectual, the next logical step is divorce.

And Mimi responded:
In response to what you said here, though, this is not necessarily so and the Harleys don't say this do they?

Mimi wrote:
I was willing to wait out the 2 years...THEN maybe have some gentleman callers...

...THEN maybe have some gentleman callers...