I'm not sure what responses I will get today since it is a holiday, but I have just found out some disturbing news and need advice as how to work through it.

Long story short--WH and I have separated and he has moved in with OMW as of one week today. This morning I get an email addressed to WH from a mutual friend (not sure why he would send an email to WH's account here when he knows WH is not living here, but whatever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) In the email, this "friend" tells WH that he basically allowing himself to be taken advantage of because WH allowed me to have the house, the dogs and most of the things in it when we separated.

What hurt me most is that this "friend" went on to say that I was emotionally neglectful and abusive to WH during our marriage (NOT TRUE) so WH should not feel so guilty about having an affair and breaking up our M. I know I made my mistakes and I have admitted these to my WH, but I was NEVER abusive to him.

This "friend" called me calculating and said I had taken advantage of WH during our marriage and now because I made more money than WH. I supported my WH financially in our marriage: helped him make payments his student loans, paid for his car and auto insurance, paid for all our vacations and other recreational activities-- as I should have done because we were married and that was the right thing to do. I was happy to do it! In fact, many others have said to me that I was too good to WH, that I should have made him take more financial responsibility(ie getting a second job) so that he could contribute more in the M.

This friend is also advising WH to lawyer up and force me to sell the house and get whatever things he wants from it. (WH cannot afford an attorney so I doubt that would happen.) WH willingly already agreed that I could have the home -- we just needed to finalize the transfer to me solely.

I cannot believe this!!! When this all came out, this friend said he and his wife would be there for both of us, they were sorry to see this happen and they could not understand why WH had done this...

Should I respond? Or should I just chalk this up to another loss from the A and write this couple off as friends with no further contact. (The husband was doing the writing, but I am assuming the wife is in agreement.)

I am so upset now. This feels like a 2nd betrayal... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Any words of encouragement or advice are welcome. Happy 4th of July to all.

Your WH wrote and sent this email.The OW did the spell checking

Ignore it

SM2

I feel your pain on so many levels. It is not even funny. When my first love cheated on me and I broke up with him I told him I would not come back until/if he really changed. I had moved on. The girl he cheated with was the cousin of some of my friends I had know for a long time. Word got back to my ex about my new BF and he went off on the deep end and drug me off and raped me at gun point. I was hurt to say the least. Then when I went to the police. The people who I had been friends with blamed me because he went to jail. I don't think I had ever cried so hard. I mean here I am hurt beyond all reason and the people who I was supposed to be able to turn to for comfort were angry with me for standing up for myself. I was devastated.

All I have to say is it is better to know their true feelings now so you know how to handle this couple from now on.

Needless to say I am sure you don't consider these people to be your friends any longer. If you feel that you must say something to him don't go at home from a position of pain but one of power. Let him know his words hurt you and that you are sorry that he feels this way about you and that he won't be there in you time of need like he said he would and for that you are sorry. That you wish him and his wife well but you no longer have anything further to do with them.

Chances are this man may have wrote this email because it has everything to do with him and nothing with you. So don't take it personally. For all you know he may be cheating on his W and if she found out may be planning to do just what he is telling your H to because if he gets caught those are his plans. I can assure whatever his reasons are they have nothing to do with you but with the fact that he has his own agenda and nothing to do with you so don't take it to heart. With friend like that you don't need enemies.

I like the way you think Cym. I think that angle has merit as well. It could very well be true. When my ex was in jail. The crazy girl who he cheated on me for called my atty and pretended to be me and said she wanted to drop all of the charges and that I(she) was just trying to get back at my ex because he cheated. Then right before they released him my atty called me and brought me up to speed and I was in shock. I could not believe this heifer had the balls to do this. After that my atty. talked to her again and this time she traced the call back to her and had her arrested as well. It's funny how some people can be so misguided at times.

I agree with Cym that WS and OW wrote it or at least were part of it. If they were involved they are no doubt waiting very impatiently for your reply. It will bug the heck out of them for you to just ignore it, so do just that.

LC

I have another thought, besides sending the email, WH could be testing you to see if you are reading his email. Again ignoring it will lead him to believe you are not.

LC

I would hurry up and get the legal papers done to get the house in only your name. Your hubby might change his mind.

Cymanca may be right, or your husband may have been rewriting history. That's what mine did, and told all of our friends behind my back. The only one who didn't believe him were my friends, and his sister. She let me know that he'd never made good choices before he met me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Also, as far as you contributing more to the marriage. I always thought each should do what they could, but Frank Pittman warns that the one who contributes more is more likely to be the BS. We tend to value more what is costly in terms of time and money.

Thanks guys. I've talked to some other people and they have all told me to ignore the email as well. I think I will take this advice.

Now that I calmed down some, I should have seen this coming. Of all the people who know us well and know about the affair, this couple are the only two people who have actively supported WH in his A. For example, when he moved out the first time in April, they let him store his things in their garage and use their place as a stop-gap while he hooked up with her in her apartment. The husband in the couple who wrote the email had his father walk out on his mother due to an affair when he was a chjild. His mother took it lying down and still a broken woman to this day. Their spin is that sometimes people just can't work out their marriages, so why not make it easy on everyone and do things the nice way so folks can move on and go their separate ways--no matter who or what actions caused the M to fail.

My therapist has told me I should be suspect of these "friends" anyway--people who directly or indirectly support someone cheating on their spouse have no moral compass.

All this vemon just because my WH did not get some pots and pans from our home to take over to OMW's apartment so they could set up house. Jeez... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Smartiepants2,

Believe this from a man that was totally shammed by “friends of the family”.

I was completely suckered in by my FWW’s then “best friend” to believe that my W still had an ongoing A, when she actually didn’t.

My W’s make believe twin sister decided that she never liked me and loved the OM and that I shouldn’t be in the picture any more.

The a*hole best friend went as far as to create fictitious happenings that were designed to make me GIVE UP HOPE.

And you know, it almost worked for a few weeks.

In my case the OM was calling the a*hole best friend and crying his eyes out to her about how he was the victim in all of this. AHBF decided that she was going to support his efforts to DESTROY our M.

My W was aghast when she realized what was going on and that her friend had even betrayed her after my W expressed clear conviction to stay married to me.

It seems that the a*hole best friend knew what was better for my W. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The only answer to these situations is to CULL out ANY A supporters in your life.

There is no middle ground here if you are to save your M and/or maintain any sense of sanity in the future while preserving your own dignity as much as possible.

As a side note: this couple that had seen me in mind numbing agony for weeks played me like a damn fool. And when my W realized that things were turning for the worse in our attempts to reconcile she exclaimed that “she is my friend, not yours; stop talking to her”.

SP,

The 'friend' is t/b removed from that status. They are not 'friends' of YOUR family anymore. They maybe WS' friends but not that of your H and you.

Given the above, know you were meant to see that e-mail because that is how the venom works. It can only live if it can hurt or kill the BS and family.

Now, your adrenaline is running so it w/b best to redirect your energies. While I agree about NOT responding (though I have some choice words to say myself to them - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />), I recommend you use this info as exposure to others AND you allow that 'friend' to meet more of the WS' needs. For example, they stored his things at their house. No problem, you got some of his junk and you need some space? Send it their way. If it was junk at your house....imagine what it will be at theirs?!?!?!? After all, they ARE HIS friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In regards to the exposure. No names, just mention (with leading descriptions so those who really know that 'friend' can identify w/o you naming them), mention that there are some who like to support affairs and other vile practices.

Why broaden the exposure? Because it is important to recognize that the reputation of A supporters may be a danger even to others since supporting an A is generally NOT the 1st vile thing A supporters do. You getting this?

Why? because the A is part of a vile and venomous virus built on a selfish and greedy germ. Once the WS or his supporters are done using each other, then they will individually begin to drop off like flies.

There is no real supporters of the A, not healthy ones. Just sick wackos who make major damaage and suck the life of all around them and then run.

So you c/b smart and create a true support group for you and your family.

L.