How long do I stay on Plan A before giving up? How long is it possible to give and not receive any affection?

I have 5 years before my wife said she plans to leave (she's waiting for the kids to graduate from high school).

She says she hates the part of the country where we live and she can't wait to get out of here. This is where my job, family, etc. are. Should I make plans to move somewhere else with her if she's still not responding? I don't want to give up my job and leave my aging parents alone if she's going to leave me anyway.

Should I seek counseling? I've never felt so depressed. Would medication help me sleep? It's almost 4:00 AM and I have to work tomorrow.

Hello sugarshack,

It's unclear from your other posts if you have read Surviving An Affair. If you haven't, I recommend you study it. Somebody said that to me at first and I didn't attach sufficient importance to the word "study".

I think that's a personal decision for you. Harley says the average is six months for a man.
A very long time. Harley says it takes on average two years to recover. You are trying to win a war here. Remain focussed on your objective which is to win back your WW. Plan A is the first tactic. Your wife has told you she's going to give it five. At the end of the time you set yourself for Plan A, if she's still having affairs, kick her out.
IMHO no. I suspect the dissatisfaction she expresses about where you live is more about your former relationship. Set your own boundaries. If she's going anyway surely you need your other close relationships?
Yes.
It helped me restore natural sleep after just a few days. I do know that lack of sleep amplified the worst of my emotions as I just lay there with the bad stuff going over and over in my mind. I recommend that you take it quite early or else you will be groggy the following morning. Try not to get dependent upon it by using it for a few days after not sleeping properly and then try to sleep naturally again. You should take advice from your Doctor on this instead of us.

It seems like you are accepting that your wife is in control and that you are afraid of the consequences. I felt like that too until I started reading here and the Surviving An Affair book. Then I tried to focus on the things I could control about me. It's very hard to do and it's still a bit early for me to see if it will work for us. But I figure that it has worked for a lot of other people here so why not give it a whirl? At least you are doing something constructive.

Good luck!

Thanks, MW, for your thoughts. I have always thought that her dissatisfaction with where we live had more to do with our marriage than with the region itself.

I've been wanting to see immediate results and I'm beginning to see that I'm in this for the long haul.

Good luck to you, too!

SS:

About this:

"wanting to see immediate results"

Not knowing the rest of your history, I will presume you have been married for 15 years. (kids grad in 5)

There are no immeditate results around here. Only changes in behaviors over a period of time.

You can plan A for 3 months. Then go to Plan B.

If that's what you need to do.

But the things you do in Plan A will become the things that you do in your M for the rest of your life.

Remember, it took you your entire relationship to get here. It will not change over night.

Is the A over? No Contact (NC) in place?

If not, then you really can't really start counting until after that happens!

LG

Thanks, LG,

You are correct... Our 16th anniversary is this month, and it was not an affair with any one person -- I found out before it got to that point.

You say that the things I do in plan A will become things I do for the rest of my life. The good news it that I truly want this.

It always seems worse at night and when I first get out of bed -- Hence my flurry of frantic posts. At this point I am planning on working on my own problems, being completely honest with my wife, showing her as much love as she will allow, and hoping that she will notice the difference and come around.

I really appreciate your response to me... Thank you.

Sugar:

When did your Affair end?

AND you will get no where in your relationship until you own up to that.

Don't be afraid to explain it here, cause if your can't talk about it here, you will never get to talking to her about it.

Also:

I lived in the marriage wasteland that you have described.

And my BW had me divorced as soon as the kid recieved his High School Diploma.

She was going to wait until then. Then it wouldn't have been her fault.

I choose the affair and emotionally checked out as well.

That was 23 months ago.

My marriage now?

Like it never was before.....In the beginning, on the day we married, and for many years after.

Because of the things WE learned on this site, in the first 36 hours....

LG

Yes. I now realize I need to own up to my own betrayal as soon as possible. I don't think I can today... she's in a terrible mood and is already angry with me, plus she's getting sick. I will plan on tomorrow and after I've told her I can go into details here.

We have a lot in common. I'm 43 and my wife is 46, with two boys ages 13 and 15. Did your wife want to work on improving your marriage when you first came here? Mine does not.

Thanks.

Well I was completely honest with my wife today for the first time since we've been married. I told her that I've been looking at pornography and that I now realize it's been getting in the way of our intimacy. A little history: We began a sexual relationship probably about a month after we started dating. Right around the time we got engaged, she insisted we stop because of her religious beliefs. I agreed, but this was difficult and confusing for me, especially since she had been dating a coworker of mine before me and they had engaged in sex during the whole relationship (he was the one who took her virginity when she was 27).

So I told her that I had started buying magazines around this time as a release for my sexual needs. I made it clear that I wasn't using this as an excuse; just that this is when it started. By the time we were married, I still loved her, but I had gotten used to sexual gratification elsewhere. I continued buying magazines every couple of months (sometimes more often, sometimes less) and then we got the Internet. I've been looking at pornography pretty regularly ever since then. I don't know if I'm addicted to pornography, but I do know there have been lots of times where I can't seem to help myself. I'll go online for an innocent reason, and the next thing I know two or three hours have gone by of surfing for porn. I've thrown it all away more times than I can remember, swearing off of it, only to start up again a few days or a few weeks later.

I was so scared to tell her, but I did. I told her I was ashamed of what I’ve done and of the person I’ve become. I also told her that I realize what I did is a form of adultery and it’s just as bad as what she’s done. I let her know that I’ve changed the password on my computer to the same as her email password and told her I wanted her to feel free to look at it anytime to see what I'd been doing. I explained that I’ve been posting messages on this forum for a few days and it was the people here who made me wake up and realize I had to tell her as soon as possible. I said that I’ve been keeping secrets from her and there would be no more. I told her about the POJA, and that I was not going to do anything in public, or private, that I think she wouldn’t approve of. I told her I am going to start counseling to deal with my own issues and my depression over our marriage, and finally... I told her that I know this will probably make things worse in our marriage, but I'm going to try my best to start improving things from here on out. I said I hope she doesn't leave me, but I have accepted the possibility that it might happen.

It actually went better than I could have hoped for. We had a good talk for about twenty minutes with no yelling or anger. She brought up how badly I had made her feel about an EA she had over the Internet about ten years ago. I had gotten rid of the Internet in our house for about a year after this and I explained that I had done it partly because of my guilt over what I had been doing, too. She told me that she knew I was a good person and when I decide to do something, I usually do it. And (since I told her my secrets, she said) she confessed that she has a crush on one of our son's high school teachers. We had tentatively made plans to spend the night in a hotel for our anniversary next week. I asked her "Do you still want to go?" and she said yes. So I am hopeful and I think she is too (just a little).

Right now I'm okay knowing this is going to be a long, slow process. I realize now that I've always wanted fast results with anything I do and it was driving me crazy that I couldn't turn our marriage around right away. I'm actually successfully dieting now, too (It's only been a few days, so I could still blow it). We both started putting on weight right after we got married and we've struggled with different diets for years. A couple of days ago, after thinking of fixing my marriage as a long-term goal, I started thinking of dieting the same way instead of giving up the way I usually do after a week or two. My goal is to lose 70 pounds by next July so that I will be more attractive to my wife.

I still consider myself in Plan A, but now with the perspective that we’ve both been wayward spouses… Wish me luck with my marriage! (And my diet)

I made the hotel reservations for our anniversary next week! We're staying in a suite with a private sauna and jacuzzi. I'm not expecting anything in the way of intimacy, but I'm looking forward to a nice time together. Should I get my wife an anniversary card? I haven't bought her one in years. Should I go with one of those romantic ones, or ditch the card altogether and just get her a nice pair of earrings or something? (I don't want to come on too strong)

ROMANCE...ROMANCE...

Read Pep's thread..DEFENDING TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE...she speaks about women's need for a ROMANTIC HUSBAND...

Thanks, Mimi. I'll get a card, and maybe some flowers, too.

Last night I was out working and didn't get home until after 2:00 AM (My wife knew exactly where I was and who I was with). When I got up this morning I found my wife's vibrator next to the bed. She's shown it to me before and we we've talked about it, but this was before she started denying intimacy with me. I've told her about my use of pornography and promised not to do it any more... Should I say anything to her about the vibrator? I'd like to ask her not to use it anymore, thinking that would increase the chances of her wanting to be with me. I wouldn't mind including it in our time together, if she wanted (She says I've never brought her to O).

Should I step on it and "accidentally" break it (just kidding)

Don't forget that I'm the one in Plan A -- Not her.

The V is actually GOOD NEWS..if the V can bring her to O..you can, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Don't say anything about it and don't get rid of it either..her use of that does not DECREASE the chances of her wanting to be with you, IMO...it makes her feel even more sexy and desirable..it is NOT a GOOD replacement for the REAL THING..

Do a GREAT JOB with the ROMANCE and eventually the SF will come (Ooops, no pun intended <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)...and when you become MORE INTIMATE..eventually you will be able to ASK HER how to PLEASE HER..she has LEARNED this from her use of the VIBRATOR...

VIBRATOR..a good thing..not a BAD thing..IMO...

Make sure to COMPLEMENT her TODAY...

"You look to good in that *****"

"I love it when you wear those ******"

"What's that smell..I love it...."

Take her out for a pedicure..you choose the color that you love to see on her toes.

ETA: My H is out right now running errands..he keeps calling me to say "Hey" and to see what I'm doing..I LOVE THAT..."What'cha doing?"...he chit chats and tells me what he's thinking about at the time...it may be something mundane like.."I love the flowerpots at Walmart"...it lets me know, though, that I'm ON HIS MIND....and he wants to HEAR MY VOICE...

So call her..even if you can only talk briefly while you are at work.."just checking in.."want to hear your voice"..it will means loads more than the V... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi is right on in her post.

The V is a good thing in terms of your chances of SF.

For most women, it does not sufficiently replace the Real Thing. For us, the connection, the romance, being intimate with our H is MUCH more satisfying.

Keep up the romance, connect with her emotionally and as Mimi says, when the opportunity presents itself, ASK her how you can please her!

Thank you Mimi and Bugsmom,

That makes me feel more hopeful -- I'll follow your advice.

Well we've been spending a lot of time together -- Much more than the suggested 15 hrs/week (I'm on vacation until August). We went for a long walk together last night and she snapped at me a couple of times when I displayed some of my LBs (anoying conversational habits). I'm trying hard to make note of them and not do the same thing a second time, but it seems awfully hard sometimes. Her snapping at me hurt my feelings a little... Do I let her know, or just ignore it? I guess I can't expect her to care about my ENs or her LBs at this point, can I?

This morning I made an appointment for my first counseling session! I'm looking forward to it.

PLAN A, right? Ignore when she tries to provoke fights..it's a test of your PLAN A changes. All about you meeting HER primary ENs....Difficult, I know.