I'll try to give my story as brief as possible.
October last year my H started his affair, i found out New years Day. we had a few counselling sessions, fought about it for a month then he chose to move out early Feb. I since found out that he moved in with her.
Mid April, he asked to come back, I agreed with conditions: we get marriage counselling, he get separate counseling for his anger management, and he give me evidence that he has ended it with her. None of this happened, we just continued to fight (ie: me asking him to do these things, him refusing, arguing being difficult,rude, distant,etc).
Early June I suspected he was seeing her again so i checked his cell phone bill and emails. i had to guess the passwords because he had changed them back in October last year, but it wasn't hard to guess.
I found thathe never stopped contact with her. He has sent her up to 15 SMS/text messages a day on days he'd spent with me and phoned her most nights after i'd gone to bed. I also found emails that clearly proved that they were living together when we were separated. On the day of my birthday (22 April) - a week after he moved back in with me! - he sent her an email saying he wished he'd met her in 2000 instead of me.
I confronted him with all this new evidence and told him he was finished. I kicked him out and refused to speak to him for 2 weeks. during this time, he has shown an amazingly overwhelming show of remorse and guilt. he has begged me to take him back again. he says the realisation that he has lost everything that was important to him was the wake up call he needed. he has been considerate, kind, thoughtful, caring and really very loving - almost the man i fell in love with.
BUT - he moved back in with her!!! He told me he was doing this. I know he doesn't have a lot of friends, and the good ones he has would not approve of his behaviour, so he is limited to where he can go. he has no family in australia either so everyone he knows, knows me (we live in a small town). however, i told him if he wanted to really prove to me he wants to come back then living in a backpackers hostel should be preferable to living with her. he insists he is in the spare room. i dont believe that.
So, how can he mean it if he is still prepared to live with her?
I told him I need the following:
1. he must end it with her and i need proof.
2. he must change jobs (she is one of the managers at his work)
3. he must get counselling for his anger (which has turned into something more like clinical depression).
4. we get marrige counselling.

THEN i will consider a reconcliation.

Trouble is he seems too comfortable living with her. i have told him to do a share accommodation arrangement thru the newpsaper column. he doesn't appear to be in any great hurry.

what is everyone's opinion? am i being a fool? i know i was too trusting, and too quick to forgive before. hopefully this time it will be different.

tried eveything, now he has all the power? single choice

give him a chance (0%, 0 Votes)

divorce him (0%, 0 Votes)

No Votes Yet Voting on this poll ends: 07/31/07 06:24 AM

Why not try Plan A and Plan B?

i went to gym, lost weight, new hair style. AND i started my business! i also bought new car (sold our joint car in the process), which leaves him with NO car. for all intents and purposes i APPEAR to be a move and a shaker, living well, and taking good care of myself. he also comments i appear to be moving on quite well without him, which bothers him immensely.
i emailed her and told her the reality of the situation. i explained to her my hurt (completely torn apart, fallen into pieces, my world has ended, etc). i asked her what she expected to gain from being his secret mistress, what does hse want? i also told her the devastating effects on the 2 innocent children (aged 2 and 3). this email angered her.

i do not get angry, i am calm and rational, but i feel like i am a pushover. i am screaming on the inside and need him to move out from her house. however i will not have him back until he does the things i need (above).
hwat should be my next plan of attack?

**************
BS: 38 (me).
WS: 37
A started October 2006.
I found out about A: 1 January 07
Married 10 December 2000.
DD: 3 1/2 yrs
DS: 2 1/2 yrs
confused.

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B? Usually Plan A is done first, but since he's moved out (and I'll defer to the board veterans here to make a recommendation) but it almost seems like Plan B is in order if he's living with her.

However from what I've learned here, Plan A is usually the first way to go.

Have you exposed the affair to their employer? Does OW have a husband? (doubtful if they are shacked up)... how about to your H's family?

Bring the affair into the daylight - that will help kill it. Read about Plan A - sounds like you're already working on yourself, but read about Plan A and see if you can work it.

If not - Plan B means no contact with him - it means writing him a letter outlining your conditions and then going dark - no contact until he's willing to meet those conditions. Plan B will protect what love you have left for your H, but it *can* also prepare you for divorce if that's the way it winds up.

Again - I'm still fairly new here so I'll defer to the more experienced folks here for a strategy, but I'd suggest reading the articles here first.

In support,
JinGA