Post deleted by Katwmn07

Kat,
Not all M are meant to be saved. You say you are young. Your M from the get go does not sound stable. Your H sounds like a conflict avoider and runs away from his problems. That is a big problem. Do you want to spend your entire life with that kind of man?

And it sounds like he is having an affair on top of all of this.

A married man doesn't go out and do his own thing.


Your M and its condition was both your responsibilities. His A was not your fault. Read this site. Think hard about your M. What do you want to do

I want to give my marriage a second chance. My H, on the other hand, is adamant about wanting out. I've talked to him every other day or so, and I apologized for my LBs. In our last convo, he was really "supportive" then he sent me this email:

"I have realize that i am in a relationship/marriage were i have no feelings or any love. I am just not in love with you, and i cannot pretend anymore. I care about you as a person and a friend. I will always be here for you if you need anything. I realize that divorce is wrong, but i would rather end this now then 10 or 15 yrs from now. I want you too be happy, and be loved. I cannot give you the love or happiness you deserve. I'm just not in love. I made a mistake and lived with it for a year.

Again, i know divorce is wrong, but i can't see myself in this marriage forever. I know everyone may not like my decision but its my life and i will live with the consequences for the decisions that i make. I am truly very sorry. I know that in time God and my family will forgive me for this, as i hope you will too. I hope that we can continue to be friends. If you still wish to come out to start over, then do what you want. I am sure my family and i will support you, but i just need out. I am sorry! This has been bothering me for a long time and it is my decision. I hope that you will forgive me in time!!"

I was planning on moving out of state, closer to him. I want to try Plan A, but he doesn't really want to be near me cuz he sees me more as a threat right now. I don't want a divorce... I have always envisioned us together forever, just as the vows said. He gave up the OW (or so he says), and has been thinking a lot lately and hanging out with his friends. My H is guilty of Dishonesty and Independent Behavior- Both LBs were not even apparant until after he left the state in a frenzy.

Someone please tell me what I need to do! I would really like to go out of state to be closer to him in case we can work things out later, but at the same time, I don't necessarily want him to avoid me either.

ALL Advice is Appreciated....

"He gave up the OW (or so he says), and has been thinking a lot lately and hanging out with his friends."

LOL, I wish the wayward could at least come up with something original. This is right out of the textbook.

How long did you know this guy before you married him?

do not go out of state to be closer to him. he is not giving you any reason to do so. And I fear that you would only end up further from your family, friens, and supporters.

You say that you want to give your M a second chance - but have you really asked yourself why? Because you love him, and becuase of your vows? Those are good things, but it takes more than that to make a succesful M, and your WH shows a serious lack of morals. You were married less than a year and he all ready cheated!!
do get back into the word. Get yoru spirtual life on track. give yourself time to heal. Do NOT act quickly, by getting in the car and driving over there. That would NOT be attractive. Come here and post, and read. go to church. pray. write in your journal. and quit chasing him. Let him worry about you for awhile.

Above all else, please, do not drive out there.

Yes, you're a threat to his affair. Do you know if he is living with his mother? Would she welcome you into her home? Staying separated isn't going to make it easy to end the A? How much disrespectful behavior are you willing to endure?

BTW, why does your MIL think you are living in separate states?

Apparently, he has a different vision. In the end, if he doesn't want to remain married, you can't hang on to the marriage. You sound religious -- in I Cor. 7 St. Paul writes to let the unbeliever go if they are set on leaving the marriage.

Cheaters often lie. Why believe this?

Harley says that sexual fulfillment (SF) is typically the #1 male emotional need (EN). I'll go out on a limb and suggest that 5x/year is on the low end of the frequency histogram. Everyone's different, but my WW and I had accomplished that before we returned from our honeymoon. But I digress. What do you think his ENs are? And were you meeting them?

Other advice: don't get pregnant. That would be a great way to make a bad situation worse.

- WG

He wants you to be happy and in love, but he can not give you that.

It sounds to me he knew this all along (Five times SF in the first year of marriage?).

Break free and take it for what it was. A good life lesson. You will thank him 10 yrs from now..

He's still having the A, that is why he is acting the way he is. Typical wayward babble.

Tell him NO, you will NOT be "friends" if the D goes through. You married him because you love him and to go back to just being "friends" would not work out for you.

This is what he is hoping for in order to keep you stringing along in case things don't work out with OW or someone else. That way, you are still "there", in case he needs you.

Tell him the truth ~ that ain't gonna work, not by a long shot. You wanna make your marriage work, nothing less.

Kat,

When problems THIS big turn up within the first couple of years and before children.....I have to say.....you deserve better. He isn't mature enough to be married and this early on....your best option is to cut your losses and use the rest of your young years to find a better relationship. You can't do this alone.

HUGS!

He is living with his Mother right now, while he gets a job and figures out what he wants to do with the rest of his life. When he is not at his mother's house, he is over at his Best friends. His best friend's wife is the sister of the woman my H was having an A with. I know that he is still having an A- And he calls himself a Christain! Sorry, I know we all slip up sometimes, but this is bigger than a mere slip up in my book.

Perhaps, I am too forgiving of a person- Is that possible?

My H has a problem with commitment. I'm practically convinced of that. He can't keep a job, and I have been doing most of the supporting since we were dating. The only reason he is even talking to me, I fear, is because of the things we share where I am- i.e. money issues...

I don't know what I want at the moment, but the advice is greatly appreciated.

We've been together 5 years. Met in college via internet.

this has me puzzled:



the puzzling part is

... and what maks you think this is normal or acceptable for someone your age?

I don't know what to make of this ... you want to save this marriage ... which appears to be dry and stale from the get-go

help me out .... what were you thinking???

Quote:
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I know we haven't had sex more than five times in the first year, and part of that is my fault


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I know that's not normal Now. I was naive and foolish, and I want to work on that, but I'm not being given a second chance. My H says he tried to make things work, but I didn't see it because he never said anything... I didn't realize things were THAT BAD until recently, when I read the Harley books.

Yes it is possible. Another word might be boundaryless.

The Cloud/Townsend book on Boundaries has been a big help to me. In addition to Harley's "His Needs / Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair", you might look at Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" and Carder's "Torn Asunder".

Carder suggests that faithful spouses must first 'get angry' and at least consider that they could leave their cheating spouses (even if they decide to try and preserve the marriage).

- WG

You've chosen another spelling of the name Cat Woman....do you perhaps advertise more sexuality than you desire? Do you think that might have been frustrating for your husband? Why didn't you think sexuality was an important part of your marriage? Where did you learn that?

... are you saying that at one time you thought this lack of sex was normal?

Are you physically challenged in some way?

I'm just not getting a handle on the underlying cause of the lack of sex .... which is critical to this situation.

Sex not a marriage footnote ... it's the heart of the marriage. Especially the first year.

Okay. We won't pick on you for something you can't now change -- i.e., the past. Now, your H may not have communicated his needs and he can bear some blame for that. It doesn't excuse his having an affair. But, if he wanted much more frequent lovemaking (i.e., say 100x vs. 5x/year) the result is that he probably feels frustrated, unloved, hurt, and rejected.

I don't think you will get a second chance unless (1) you communicate clearly and (2) he believes you are able and sincere, that you want to and will meet this need of his.

You could apologize and ask him what it would take for him to return to you? My guess is that if he did return and you met his needs, his affair would end.

- WG

No, I am not physically challenged. Just brought up prude in a broken home, where sex was never talked about unless it was in negative context. Sexuality is important in marriage, but like I said, I didn't really think it was THAT important. Believe me, I know now the error of my ways and I WANT to make things better. I just hope I can get the chance, eventually, anyways. If I can't get a chance, then there is no hope, and I need to have hope.

I will definately have to check up on those Boundaries. I am very forgiving- too forgiving- I don't get angry very often.

Look, bottom line, if your H didn't mention that the infrequent sex was a problem...then who are we to say what is normal... some couples have sex 5 times a week...some 5 times a year.
What I don't understand is how this was NEVER discussed. You either were telling him "no" an awful lot... or he was just sitting back and waiting for you to do something. Both are not really healthy. These things NEED to be talked about. Were you sexually active before marriage??? Intimacy is critical but being able to discuss intimacy is what allows sex to become intimate.
Your H sounds like a lost cause and really you need to decide what it is that you are fighting for.
Did YOU not feel any sexual frustration during that year? Other than your upbringing, what do YOU think has contributed to a lower than average sex drive?