I still love my H, and he still "cares" about me. As far as I am concerned, things Could work out. I just read SAA, and I was curious...

What if the spouse doesn't want to end the affair and sees me as a threat to his happiness? He won't let me try to meet his needs right now- but he says he doesn't hate me or resent me. Then he turns around and says our relationship is like a "double-edged sword" because I want in and he wants out. What do I do next? It's hard to try Plan A if he doesn't want me around him. He is pushing for immediate plan B without a second glance- if not worse. Actually, he wants a divorce, in part because he is being pressured into figuring out what it is he wants. I don't want to give him one or pressure him either- I have hope. Is that a disrespectful judgment? And since I don't agree with him- does that make me Selfish?

He blames himself for everything that went wrong in the marriage thus far- not me, even though I know that I am partly at fault.

Is this REALLY a lost cause??? I thought marriage was meant forever. It's SACRED. But I guess thats where many people have a difference of opinion.

What parts of Plan A have you done? Have you done "exposure"? Who knows about this affair?

When he first emailed me and called me (not about the A) to tell me about his lack of love, I drove out there. I let him know I wanted to reconcille and I tried to let him know that I love him. He wouldn't touch me half the time, even though I was trying. It wasn't until I returned home to finish my class that I found out he was having an A through his friends, who are related to the OW. People who know: The OW, my H, and our friends and families. He is still in denial, even though he knows I know about the A. He may not know that everyone else does.

I am still living in a separate state while I finish school in two weeks, so I can't REALLY try plan A until I can get back out there. Even then, knowing that he wants a D and doesn't really want to stay with me when I get there (I'd be at my MIL until I can get something of my own), I am at my wits end. Its confusing, cuz then he also says he wants to be my friend and take care of me if I need it. HA!

Kat.....Have you asked friends and family to support you and intervene with your WH to enter counseling with you? Who do you know that has "sway" over your husband and enough courage and ethics to help you?

In two weeks....when you finish school....you can probably do much more to impact this situation by traveling to where your husband is. Until then....we'll support you while you take your tests and keep your strength up. Like the soldiers in Iraq....your primary focus must be on keeping yourself safe....right now....and finishing school. After that....there is time enough to do what you need to. Use some loving detachment to create enough peace to help you study and flourish.....confident people, happy people, accomplished people....are attractive people.

Thanks so much!

Yes! My H family is near him, and they had a family intervention. They suggested Marriage Counseling, but my H is adamantly against it at the moment. After I told the family about the A, they had a meeting w/o my H. My MIL, whom he stays with half the time, gave my H an ultimatum- make a decision or go to counseling. (They also think he is suffering from clinical depression because of losing his dad ten years ago, which makes my H really upset). My H has a blatant disregard for people who care about him right now, except his BF (who believes my H over me) and the OW (who is related to the BF). The BF also allows my H to stay there, which completely hurts the situation worse, but they don't see that. errr......

Thanks again for the advice.

Kat,

What you learn right now about how strong you are....will carry you through the many trials of your life. Don't get caught up in HIS CHAOS. Remember.....this is not about what's wrong with you. No matter how clueless you might have been about sexual frequency....you didn't CAUSE his complete lapse in morality. You don't have that much power....lol....he failed because of his OWN immaturity and immorality. There were THOUSANDS of ways he could have addressed the lack of SF in the marriage.....he chose the most destructive one because it felt good to him. That's not your fault. It doesn't mean you contribute to the vulnerability of your marriage....but HE is 100% responsible for his choice to have an affair.

Recognize that he is the one who's fogged....not you. Don't let his chaotic and self-serving rationalizations make you question who you are. Do first things first. Two weeks concentrating on school will help you get the confidence you need to take the next steps. When you get you done with that.....you get yourself over there and kick that hussie right outta dodge.

So I just FO that my H is in fact still talking to the OW, even though they both deny a continued A. I emailed the OW earlier today "as a friend of my husband" for advice, and she blatantly responded that she knew nothing about the situation. LOL! What a freak. So, I happily let her know what I thought about her, the situation, and her still talking to my H. I know this will be more effective when I get out there, but what can I say. I'm PO'd. Then, I emailed his friends who enable this A to happen at their home by letting my H come over all the time, and I let them know that the cat was out of the bag so to speak. I know this would all have been better had I done it later, but they know I'm coming out there "soon" and I mean business. I'll be happy to "kick that hussie right outta dodge" with my own God given feet!

BTW- he now wishes he was marty mcfly and could go back in time, so he could no doubt marry his ex (the OW) and never meet me. How horrible! Even the bible says something about it is not wise to live in the past. I hate it that my H wants to. That's all he's doing while he's at his moms. errr... I'm so frustrated I could scream.

So my H was notified about the emails, and he called me more upset than ever. I think he was more upset because his family knows about his behavior than anything. He denied everything, of course, that has to do with "hanging out with" aka dating the OW. He told me that he was going to get to the bottom of that lie and call me back. That was two days ago. I haven't heard from him since, and his facebook (which he uses a lot) has been updated to where the OW outnumbers me on his list of friends. Go figure. I'm like 10th on the list. My H did ask for a D, again, stating he knew it was wrong 3 times. My inlaws have pretty much given up on the situation and told me to move on. OH well...

update...

My H still has not talked to me, but I have got a few emails about business he has to take care of where I am. I got an email from his best friend, who says that my H is "like an oak, unwavering about his decision" to D. He claims the reason my H wants the D is because he is not in love with me, and he wants a chance to find that true love that he feels a H and W should have. I feel like we had that, and that we can get it back, but my H doesn't, and I don't really know what to do. His BF told me that he thinks my H and I really need to have a heart to heart, where we both discuss the situation at length face to face and throw out all the options (including D) on the table. No one wants us to get a D except my H, and he knows it is wrong in everyone's eyes, including God. I talked to my Pastor about it, and he told me that I should not hold onto my H if that is how he feels, knowing that I have offerred to try and work this out. God won't hold it against me. I had planned to move on and wait for the papers, but after hearing from my H's BF, I have to wonder if that is really what I want. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster- I want off one minute because the ride has stopped (I lose hope for redemption), and I want on again when I find out the ride may be going again (Maybe something will give when I talk to him...just maybe). The anguish just keeps building, and I am getting weary of all the false hope... if that's what it is. I guess I won't know anything until I can meet with my H face to face, and I think that that would be a good stop since it is half way to my next destination- if thats the path to go. I just can't stay around my family anymore- They are driving me nuts.

I would like to know what you all think about this. Please respond. Thanks!