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Well, before you do anything, you must tell your H you have had another affair. He may choose to end the marriage. Honesty has to come before anything else.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MJK,
Where is your H now? You said he is gone until November... is he overseas?
You said that counseling stopped when your H realized he wasn't meeting your needs. Did the MC make it seem like your H's "fault" for your A? Do you think he felt even more betrayed by being told he wasn't "meeting your needs"? You're H is in terrible pain right now... he has been blindsided by a member of his current family and of his family of origin.
Whatever you do, please stop ALL communication with your family friend. This is a death blow to your M. Since you read HNHN and are here, I believe that you want to save your M, and are scared. It seems like things were left up in the air and unresolved when your H left, which is a terifying feeling. Suddenly developing an attraction to the OM (a person you were never attracted to before) is an escape mechanism... a fantasy way to feel better... while your H is away and things in your M are falling apart.
How often are you in touch with the OM? Is he calling or emailing you? Or are you contacting him? This needs to stop IMMEDIATELY. How often do you speak with or email your H? Do you have a good friend you can confide in, who can help keep you on the straight and narrow? I agree with Mel... you need to tell your H about this latest indiscretion. We can support you in this.
Please keep posting... others will be here soon to help.
Katie Mae (FWW)
Me: FWW (34) H: BS (35) Together 12 years, no children (yet) LTA: 3 years D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)
So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...
"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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He doesn't know about this recent exprience and I am affraid to tell him. He threatens divorce all the time and tells me if I "screw him again" he will "screw me over so bad." I hope they are empty threats but they hurt just the same. We have two year old and one on the way and I am scared to death of how this will all end. Hi MJK, Your husband told you he would screw you over if you did it again after the first time you cheated. He TOLD you that, but you did again anyway [EA], and with a second OM. You cheating this second time is like a self fulfilling prophecy. I think you need to ask yourself why you did it AGAIN fully knowing the consequences. Its like you're trying to sabotage your marriage intentionally. Where is your self control? Your maturity? Aside from your fear of losing your husband, those are significantly bigger problems. Jo
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He doesn't know about this recent exprience and I am affraid to tell him. He threatens divorce all the time and tells me if I "screw him again" he will "screw me over so bad." I hope they are empty threats but they hurt just the same. We have two year old and one on the way and I am scared to death of how this will all end. Have you sat down and thought about how much HE must hurt from your betrayal? I mean, you slept with his B-R-O-T-H-E-R. Or are you just concerned with how you feel about things.
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With your husband gone, your marriage in trouble and parenting one little one with another on the way, you really do need to gather some support people around you.
Female support people. Do you have anyone nearby? family? Female old friends? Neighbors?
The old friend that stopped your advances did a good thing. Maybe not as good as he should, because he did kiss you, even though you are pregnant and married. You need to stop talking to him. No excsues. Continuing use him to meet your needs will create further trouble for you at this point. You already grasp that he is depositing into your lovebank. That is NOT a good thing
You sound very needy and confused. You ask why is this happening again. I can answer that. The reason you nearly jumped another guy is because that is the choice you made. It didn't happen to you, you chose to take action.
I am wondering if your H is military. One good thing would be there would be a chaplain assigned to his unit, and a good chaplain can be a help to your H. The other thing, if he is military, your actions will almost certainly get back to him, no matter how secret you think you've been.
If there is some other reason for your H's absences, is there any way you can go to where he is? This seems like a very bad time to be apart.
Lor
Married 1983 H's co-worker PA began 1998 Multiple separations Marital recovery 2000
H deployment 14 mo 2004-2005 Empty nest fall 2006
Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things. Phil 4:8
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We have two year old and one on the way Are you certain of the fathers of both these children? Does your husband know you are pregnant? Mulan
Me, BW WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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MJK,
We can support you in gaining solutions, but don't you think it more important you also figure out why you keep doing this - repeating.
There is a clear pattern you have demonstrated where even if you resolve the symptoms THIS time, you haven't solved the real problem. Which leaves you open to repeat.
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MJK, I’m sorry for the things your going thru.
Let me first speak to the other members here:
You guys need to see the desperation in her words, she sounds to me like she is really scared of this man, he has threatened her before and he sounds like an abusive husband, he threatens with divorce all the time and has angry outbursts.
I’m personally scared for her, I have lived those situations before. Lets give her some choices first, and let her decide what to do according to how much she knows her husband. I don’t want to scare her, but I don’t want to read about it in the newspaper either!!
Mjk: How long have you known your husband? You say you have been married for five yrs, has he always been that way? Has he hit you before? What other words does he uses to threatened you? Has he ever threatened to take away your baby? Is he abusive to your child? Has he forced himself on you? (sexually) Is he speaking to his brother? Did they get into a physical fight?
This are only a few questions.
Answer this questions to your self and if the answers are mostly yes then we need to talk further.
If I’m way out of line here, GOOD!!! Then we can talk about how to approach your H with this latest EA.
I (Imo) I don’t think you should tell him anything just yet. He will be over there brewing his anger towards you.( I know some of you here will disagree with me) but bear with me, we need to think of this lady’s safety first, no marriage is worth losing your life over.
I don’t mean to scare you, you know your H more then we do. That’s why I asked those questions. As hard as they may be.
Lets assume that your H is not going to keep his threats, you need to confide in one of your family members or a trusted friend (NOT the OM) and maybe they can be with you when you tell your H. Weather you tell him over the phone or in person.
Do you think it would be detrimental to his safety if you tell him over the phone while he’s overseas? I’m assuming he’s in the military. For now you do need to cut all contact with the OM it will only complicate things more. What your feeling now is just a fantasy, your trying to fill the void that your H has left you with. Don’t fall for it. If things don’t work out with your H and the OM is still there, then you can pursue things, but not now.
I believe HONESTY is the best policy, BUT which one of US would not LIE to protect our CHILDREN or OURSELVES from harm?
As I said before this is my opinion and we need to find out more about this situation before we jump in the wagon and cause irreparable damage to this family.
YES, what she did was wrong and she paid dearly for it, now she did it again, well you know, let’s throw the first stone who has not sinned before?
Give her a break, she knows she’s done wrong that’s why she’s here!! It took a real woman to admit her mistakes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I know she’s still thinking about him, but we all know how powerful fantasies are! And that’s why she’s here. Let’s help her out you guys.:(
Have mercy on me with your replies, Thank you.
MJK YOU and your children will be in my prayers from now on. YOU have a friend in me!! GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU!!
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Solving all this isn't a destination as much as it is a journey. I believe amoung your first steps in that journey need to be:
1) Own your Adultery - Your husband is not responsible for your poor choice to cheat as a response to your unhappiness in your marriage
2) Come Clean - Tell your husband the truth regarding your second trangression
You see MJK, when you recently kissed this OM it must have crossed your mind you would need to tell your husband about it. And you knew he was far away and you knew he was still reeling from the first affair you had with his brother.
So telling him while he's away is tough, yes. But he deserves the truth so he can make an informed decision for himself on whether to continue in the marriage or not. To withhold the truth is manipulative and disrespectful. Trust me on this, I've been on the receiving end.
The only reason I would not recommend immediate and full disclosure to someone, would be if they were emotionally unstable or in poor physical health.
I hope this helps. God Bless. Jo
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MLK, the truth is the solution to adultery, not more secrecy and not more lies. Your husband needs to be told NOW about the affair so he can protect himself from you.
He has a right to decide if he wants to stay in the marriage, and he needs the full facts in order to make that decision.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have known him for 10 years. Yes, he has always been this way. Less when we were dating more once we got married. At least to my face. He has never hit me, but he has gotten very close. The threats are very vague like I will be sorry. Or he will make my life ******. He as said if I ever left he would make my new husbands life ****** on earth. He has said I would regret it. He has threatened to take away my son and until our son was almost a year old I was so convinced that I was a horrible mother that I wouldn't have fought him. I feel much different about it now though, let him try and take me away from my son. Not gonna happen. He has never forced himself on me sexually, he has never needed to. He is speaking to his brother, and they did get in a physical fight one the cops were involved in. No charges were filed, but they had to break it up. So MJK, if you truly fear your husband, wouldn't you logically think the last think you should do would be have an affair which would completely piss him off?
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He is speaking to his brother, and they did get in a physical fight one the cops were involved in. No charges were filed, but they had to break it up. Curious, was this after you told your husband you had slept with his brother?
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