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I know one thing, I can't stay married and feel this empty and unattached. I won't continue to disrespect him this way. Despite all that we have been through, no one deserves the disrespect I am causing right now. .fear and doubt is what holds me from progress. This is true, MLK, and I am glad you realize it. I only hope you really mean it and will do the right thing and tell him the truth. You have ALLOWED fear and doubt to supercede your decency and the best interest of your husband. But that can change by telling him the truth. You have full and complete control over your fear and can't use that as an excuse to avoid doing the right thing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The fight happened at least 6 months after I told him. It actually happened the day after the affair was brought up in our last counceling session. I was on my way home from work and he told me that he invited his brother to stay the weekend (we lived in different states only hours away). I knew in his voice something bad was going to happen. What an absolute nightmare for your husband. I cannot imagine a more cruel, hateful BETRAYAL of a man than to screw his own brother. He was betrayed by the 2 people in the world who should have loved him the most. I just cannot imagine the horror of being betrayed by a family member in addition to my own spouse. Not only did he lose his brother, but had to suffer the trauma of adultery in his marriage. My heart breaks for this man.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MLK, I think the kindest thing you could do for your H right now would be to end this marriage with dignity. You slept with his brother for God's sake.... that should be enough to end the union here and now. And then you cheated on him again... and I am sorry folks, but kissing is not an EA it is a PA that she wanted to take further.
Give the man honesty and thank you lucky stars he has not cleaned your clock... a lot of good men and women have been driven to a lot worse for the things you have done.
Now, all that being said, there is no need that your life has to continue like this. You can get counseling and learn to be the person you should have been all along. You can be the best mother to your childrn when they are in your care. If for some reason your H decides to forgive you, imagine the crisis that you have created in that family... your actions will force the severing of his ties with his brother.... you can NEVER see or be around that man ever again... you realize that right??? But the call to forgive you is your H's. If you have any doubt as to your ability to remain faithful from this point forward... give the man some peace and leave.
Is your H in the military???
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Have you ended your affair? Is there some reason why he can't come home now?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MJK, I am holding on to the hope that if I can tell him in person he will see my face and know I am being completely honest. Seeing as how this is number two, don't be surprised if he questions your honesty regardless of the method used. I agree with another poster, tell him when you can have a friend of HIS there. He will need the support much more than you.
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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MJK, unless he is an endentured servant he CAN come home sooner. If he can't, I would not delay in telling him. Part of the problem is that he is gone and if he wants to have a marriage, that will have to be remedied. But he does not deserve to be kept in the dark for 6 more months, he needs to know the truth about his life NOW.
To not tell him is not fair to him and I assure you he will not appreciate it if he finds out you decieved him all this time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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if he can't come home... you go there.
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you should lose your rights to your children if he files for divorce. More likely than not though, he will be fair to you and you should be fair to him...giving him at a minimum joint custodial and legal custody. You are the one that is ripping your family apart... make sure that you do not further punish the man by also taking his children from him.
Custody in most states is determined by best interests of the children...I am a dad with full custody in PA.
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MJK, I have not heard of that, in some states adultery plays a part in the judges decision, as it should. That is a consequence of adultery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by MJK
Last edited by MJK; 07/05/07 09:26 PM.
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you are getting an educated opinion.... a mother that cheats on her H also cheats on the family. Your H should not be punished for your transgressions. Imagine this from his side for a moment...he now gets to be a part time dad, most likely pay child support and live in a new place all because YOU decided to cheat on him. That's not about hurt... I have nothing to be hurt about... I have full custody, I get child support and my life is just fine and good.
This is about the facts of what your H is facing right now. You should be more concerned about him than worrying what will happen with your children should he file. What should happen is you should be fair... no more, no less.
Custody in most states is determined by best interests of the child.
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and trying your best to resolve this would include being honest with your H a long time before you are worried about the potential neagtive impact on you. It just seems like you are too focused on you and not enough on the devastation you have brought to his life.
you can call that negative all you want... I see it as being accurate.
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My failures as a wife do not determine that my husband is automatically the better care giver. Actually they do.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I agree with you. I know that there is a deep rooted issue here. After doing some soul searching and reading HNHN, I feel like I was a timebomb waiting to explode. I have been exclusively with my husband since 1998. We have only been married the five years, but he has been my everything for longer. I gave up a lot of dreams to be with him because he didn't support them. At the time, he claimed it was what "God wanted me to do." I went along with it because I was very new in my relationship with God and I wanted to be a "submissive wife." After he gave up on God and started living his old lifestyle of before we were married and lying about it I felt very lost and lonely. I turned to God. For almost two years I was the spiritual leader and financial provider of our family. I finally got really sick during our pregnancy and couldn't attend chruch or work anymore. Once I had the baby we uprooted and moved states. He had been through several jobs where we were living and we couldn't make it in the house we just bought. I really believe that my struggle started then. I never looked for another mans attention, but I envied my girlfiends who had supportive, providers as husbands. I longed for mine to be that. Then he lost another job once we moved. I had a six month old and was scared to death of what was comming next. I had been so angry at him and the way our life was, I just gave up all together. I stopped caring about my relationship with God and picked up some of his bad habits. Then he found another job. One that takes him away from me more often than anything he has ever done. Unfortunately, I developed an emotional attachment to his brother way before he left. I thought it to be innocent dispite all the warning signs. We would spend time reading the bible, praying. He was trying to help me to gain some of my confidence back from the past years of what had gone on in my marriage. Looking back I know he was the wrong one for the job, but it happened and I can't change that now. I have to live with that every day of my life. When it came to light what happened, it was never fully discovered why I did it. Not until it almost happened again did I really see the implications of what happened. I refuse to be the continously cheating spouse. I would rather be divorced than to continue to look outside my marriage for fulfilment. I am slowly realizing how much the first three years we were married withdrew from my love bank. We dated for almost five years before we married and that was the time the love bank was filled. Slowly it has depleated to a bare minimum. I feel I have just enough in there to hope for a change. But it seems anytime he deposits some, the next time we talk he will withdraw three more than he put in. His verbal slanders are getting to be too much and it makes me want to run the other way. When he doesn't get the response from me he expects I hear degrading comments and put downs that no one should have to hear. So at this point, the pain he is putting me through verbally is hard to see past and to want to understand the pain I have put him through. I do want this marriage to work or I would have said see ya a long time ago. My biggest struggle right now is when and how to tell him about the emotional affair with the OM. I feel at a crossroads until I can get past that. I believe he is still very hurt from you sleeping with his brother. He hasn't begun to heal that wound and understandably he still carries that anger and fear with him. Those emotionally charged confrontations are about that betrayal, not about the every day life stuff.
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MJK/Deeply Distraught,
After I posted to you last night, my H needed to use the computer so I just got back to your thread now. I'm sorry you deleted your posts... it's difficult coming here and hearing the truth of your actions (believe me.) In the long run, this will help you heal and grow.
I'm not sure if you answered any of these questions or not, but if you are still lurking, please come back. I'm still curious to know if you have a good girlfriend. I also want to know if your H is overseas in the military, because I (like another poster here) think you should go speak with him face to face. Also, are you still in frequent contact with OM? And who is initiating contact?
Also Resilient is right... the charged confrontations you are having with your H are really about your A. If your H wants to reconcile after you tell him about your latest OM, you most definitely need to go back to MC when he returns.
Katie
Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)
So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...
"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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MJK, if your still coming back off and on to this site, please contact me, I’m on your side, go back to my post to refresh your memory of what I said, you need a friend now and I’m willing to be your friend. You don’t have to be alone. What ever the mistakes you’ve maid I believe you, that your truly sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know your pregnant now, and everything must seem really scary for you now. I’m sorry for how some of this posters treated you. It might be their opinion, like I said on my other post, we all have made mistakes. They are mad because they probably see the OW in you, can you understand that? We, who claim we have GOD in ourselves need to learn how to forgive, can you forgive them? Other posters: can you forgive MJK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> GOD BLESS your still in my prayers.
Last edited by not_yet_married; 07/08/07 11:34 AM.
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NYM,
I know you think you are doing the right thing, but everyone here is on MJK's side.
She needs to hear the consequences of her actions. You might not like the way the message is delievered, but this is just what MJK needs right now.
OF COURSE they "see the OW" in her. She's an OW! This is a horrible, dispicable, soul-destroying role to have. Hearing how horrible it is will SAVE her.
I'm sorry you are "Not Yet Married". Maybe that's why you don't understand the reaction she is getting. I lived with my H for quite a while before we were married, and there is a definite difference between being M and co-habitating. Dr. Harley wrote a great book about it, "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders."
FYI, I am a FWW who pretty much received the same response when I arrived here. If you want to be a true "friend" to MJK, don't sugarcoat what she's done, and help her create a plan to give her her self-respect and dignity back.
KM
Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)
So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...
"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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