Hi Folks,

I know this topic has been covered many times before and rather than try to find other threads I'll start a brief one for my own experience.

After much time to myself and healing after the A/D,I recently decided to go online and start looking.I feel ready,made sure I had waited long enough,healed,etc,etc.So I became a member on eHarmony and Match.com. Yahoo.com personals seemed a bit unsavory to me.

So,the very next day I am being inundated with matches and have been this week.More so on Match.com by about 10 to 1.Some may say "Great!" but,I am not having fun.In fact,last night I didn't get any sleep,had some anxiety issues and basically tossed and turned all night.

One thing that bugs me is that most of these matches aren't so perfect,so to speak.I got matches from far off states,10-15 years older than what I wanted,many of which were not very pleasing to the eye and that is one important area to me right now.I want to feel good about looking at a potential partner.Other's said they wanted kids when I am not going to have anymore at this stage in my life.I haven't even really had time to look for myself as I am busy saying "No thanks" to 99% of these guys.Why do they set you up with people that you obviously aren't going to be compatible with, especially on major issues like kids??

I keep asking myself if I am being too picky or maybe I am not really ready but I do feel ready.I am just not finding much I like out there and I know it's early.One guy that seemed almost too good to be true I think has given up since I made sure he knew what my age was and that I didn't want kids (he contacted me first).That was the only one I was enthusiastic about.

Anyway,I am feeling like I don't even want to continue as it is making me feel bad when I wanted to have some fun.Even though I feel I have a lot to offer someone,I am hating this whole ordeal so far though I know too that this is all new to me.Anyone else feeling this way? Probably.

blah

I'm not going to check my e-mail until the weekend as this is affecting my health.

And why isn't there an MB Dating site?? If there was I am sure there would be many happy couples with relationship skills waaay ahead of the rest of the pack.

I dated online for 2 years. I eventually met my husband there (careful..I had to move out of town..had not thought I'd marry again!). I have two pieces of input for you. First, I would hugely NARROW my profile to reflect some specific likes and dislikes. Look at the "matches" you are getting and try to determine what the most common mismatch characteristics are. See if you can alter your profile to get responses closer to what you wanted.

Second, it took a LOT of frogs to find my wonderful husband. A LOT. Most were very short-lived and I knew 15 mintues after meeting that it was not going to be going anywhere. I also got overwhelmed sometimes and took a break when I felt that way. You can hide your profile when you get overwhelmed, then ease back into it after reflecting for a bit. Hope this is valuable to you and best wishes!

Auntiem

PS: E Harmony told me my standards were too high and they found ZERO matches for me!!! LOL!!!! I got wacko responses from Match; used a Christian site to narrow my profile preferences.

eharmony said your standards were too high? are you kidding me? that's crazy.

mlhb

I'm not sure why the "Matches" were so off. Maybe the software had been hacked. What I did was look at my reverse matches. And then start chosing.

I'd beware of the hundreds you get up front. Those that are far away... I think you don't even have to say "No, thanks" to them. I have a theory about those... They're married and looking to hook up far from home.

If you really want to filter out those looking for easy sex, take down your photo. You'll lose some of the serious men, because men are visual. Also, make sure you make your best feature something innocuous, like eyes or personality. I chose chest and got the wrong kind of attention.

And you do have to go through some frogs. I looked on that part as "experience." I hadn't dated in what 9 years? It's not bad to get some practice on men who aren't your cup of tea.

If you have the resources, a dating service can be great. My sister did "It's Just Lunch," pricey at $1,000, but guaranteed to have dates. I forget how many are guaranteed. Plus, IJL does background checks. Sis said she met really great men that she wouldn't have met elsewhere.

I'd like to share one other thought. I met M on Match. I almost didn't because M is a numbers person. Unlike Newly, also a numbers person, M is not a great writer. His writing style made me think he wasn't my type at all. Plus, he said he likes snuggling on the sofa watching TV! BLAH! I hate snuggling. Well, I used to.

I went out with him because he was persistent but not pushy and we had a good telephone conversation. We're still together. We've talked about talking about next steps and time lines. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OH, the night before the first date with M I went out with some other man. It was nice, but we just didn't click. At least not for me. Another frog.

LMAO! Sorry Green, but that just made me spit out my energy bar. I'd have to think that putting something like that down on a dating site would be akin to calling out "Free beer!" at a frat house mixer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to disagree here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. True, there are some photos I have seen where almost nothing is left to the imagination, and in those cases, I instantly close the match because that is not what I am looking for. But I don't think that a nice wholesome photo somehow invites men who are looking for easy sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Personally, if I don't see a photo, I almost always close the match, because I don't see the point of starting communication with blinders on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

I agree, narrow your search options and use the standard "no thank you" for anyone that doesn't meet your major criteria.

For example: Many single men close to 40 have focused on the career and are now wanting to start a family. I made it clear that I don't intend to pop out any babies and didn't waste my time with anyone who wanted children.

Also, highlight things important to you in your profile and avoid sexy comments. I originally had something I thought was harmless and cute on my profile. I quickly removed it after getting some raunchy responses. DO NOT POST PICTURES OF YOUR CHILDREN. (I think this is dangerous. I see even men doing this.)

But be open to some differences if someone catches your interest. I'm currently dating a great guy that I met on match. He lives a little further away (40 minute drive) than I wanted but we have the similiar values and personalities.

Before we decided to be exclusive, I had weeded out my matches to about 15, about half of which I was regularily emailing. I actually went on dates with about 5. One was a great guy that I enjoyed emailing, but there was NO chemistry. One did nothing but talk about himself. I actually started to notice trends with the type of guys that interested me and narrowed my preferences even more.

One thing I learned with match was to get a thick skin when dumping people. I started out trying to answer every email but I still got some ugly comments when I told some that I wasn't interested. Don't let it get to you. You don't need to get involved with someone that rude.

Also, "Christian" does not mean that they go to church or even live by "Christian" values.

After you weed out your matches, email for several weeks before meeting in a public place. Make sure someone knows where you are. Run a background search as soon as you know their real names. (You can do a reverse search on a phone number.) Avoid giving out personal information at first and listen to your gut feelings. I didn't let them even pick me up at home until about the 3rd or 4th date. Even then, the two that got that far got only a quick intro to DD before going out.

The first few weeks are overwhelming because you are poping up as someone new to all the guys that have been rejected.

The thing I liked most about match is that I met some really interesting guys that I would never have met otherwise. Even some of the ones that didn't work out helped me learn more about my likes and dislikes. Just be careful and you can have a lot of fun.

BTW: I lost interest in Harmony after it matched me up with a jerk that I had already rejected on match.

Yeah, I was way niave about the "chest" deal. I don't think Legs would have been much better, and it would have been a lie. My legs are mediocre at best.

AGG, you would have been one of the good guys lost if AmBeauty takes down her photo. However, there's a many, many men who don't even read profiles. They just send out emails or winks to every cute girl they see. The low-life women at least read the profiles. They have to in order to find out how much a man makes.

The other thing is you should develop a thick skin about rejection too. A lot of times, you'll be emailing back and forth, and then--nothing. Nothing at all.

One guy set up a meeting than went dark after I asked in an email what law firm he was with. I knew some people in the town and was curious. AFter I asked, he emailed that he didn't think we'd be a good match after all. My feelings were hurt because I thought he misintreprted my question as money grubbing. Then, I decided it was more about the chance we'd know the same people. We probably do.

Oh, yeah. And then there was one where I told the guy I had gained about ten pounds since my photo. He said adios so fast. I've since learned that saying such a thing is the equivalent of saying "I've gained 50 pounds, so be prepared."

oh yeah.... there are lots of frogs out there. I have dated more than my share for sure. What is so cool, is that one person's frog is a prince to another.

I'm still looking for my prince. I am on Eharmony also and I get lots of matches but usually out of state. Who knows, they might be willing to relocate if you aren't.

Good luck hon....it's not easy being single.

Loni

Maybe you should have told him that half the gain was in your chest. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />


SORRY! I just can't stop laughing at that one.

*laughing WITH you, not AT you Green <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> *

And she would never forgive herself then, would she <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. J/K.


I agree, but so what? The ones looking for easy sex are easy to spot, and therefore to ignore. Why risk losing the "good guys" by hiding the photo just to avoid the annoying winks?

I dunno, I think that the worst things about "blind dates" is the "blind" part, and having no photo posted is creating that kind of blindness. Like I said, don't post the "what do you think of my trophies??" photo (which seem extremely prevalent here in LA) - but why not show a face picture? Personally, I would rather avoid starting communication with those who did not find me attractive, than starting it and then have them cut it off after they saw my picture. Cut off the conversation, I mean.

AGG

I've tried Match and am currently on eHarmony. I see some of the same people on both and on Yahoo. I have some general thoughts about both Match an eHarmony.

A lot of your matches are based upon your metro area's relative size. In New York City or Los Angeles, you may hundreds of matches within a close proximity. In smaller markets, if you restrict your search radius to much, you'll be fishing in a very small pond. In my experience, about half of my matches list a most general location. If they had stated their actual location, I might have been more interested. Distance matters. I view anything that amounts to a hour or more drive to be a spend the weekend only proposition. This would of course be after dating in a halfway location.

A photo is a must and several photos are better, including a body-shot. Do not include your pets, kids, and photos were your ex has been clipped out. How about some photos were your not puckered-up in every shot (I've seen many of these). Post new photos regularly so that people can tell you photos are real and not from 20-years ago. Have some photos of you doing the things you like to do in the places that you like to go. I rarely consider anyone who doesn't have a photo. Online dating is all about window-shopping and attraction is probably more important than it should be.

I smoke cigars. I smoke them only outdoors. Some days I smoke them and some days I do not. There is not a good category for me when it comes to stating a smoking preference. I don't want to give someone the impression that I smoke cigarettes when clearly I do not.

I laugh when people list themselves as social drinkers. I don't know any social drinkers. Frankly, I'm not interested in someone who doesn't drink.

I have found that anything that that describes body types and is not specifically slender or athletic means that they are overweight. I feel that sometimes people deceive themselves in this regard. The same goes for attractiveness. It's really hard to gauge yourself on. I've had people tell me they were knockouts and upon meeting them was sorely disappointed. That's why good photos are very important.

The whole weight and attractiveness issue reminds me of the American Idol auditions where people are in total denial of their singing abilities, which can be horrid. Some people are in total denial of their appearance.

Don't give away too much personal information in anything. If someone knows everything about you before you meet for the first time, what fun is that?

As I man, I find it a turnoff for someone's username to involve their kids. It's fine if your Annie's Mom in real life, but using that as you username implies to me that I'll always be second fiddle. The same goes for extensive descriptions of your skills of motherhood and information on your kids. I'm not interested in meeting your kids on line, I'm interested in meeting you. You can demonstrate your skills of motherhood later. On Match I feel there's some confusion of the kids listing category. The canned choices are not always clear. I have a child and I do not want another. I would not put Want Kids (1) when I already have one. Want Kids (1) would imply that someone wants a kid they don't already have. The kids issue is going to be different for different people based somewhat on their age. I'm in my late 40's and I'm not particularly interested in raising someone else's kids. It's not a total deal breaker, but for someone who's marginal in the attraction/chemistry department, it could very well be a deal breaker for me.

I feel that the whole online dating experience is tailored to people with short attentions spans and high expectations of instant chemistry. While I believe instant chemistry is possible, I also feel that sometimes it takes some work.

Dating is expensive, more for men than it is women. For a first meet, what I call a M&G (meet & greet), I suggest one coffee at a coffee shop or one drink at a bar. It's best if each pays their own way for the M&G. If things work out then the ante can be raised. I don't want to feel like I'm paying for eventual sex. This is the 21st century an we should have some more modern attitudes. I much prefer cooking a dinner at my home to going out to expensive restaurants. What's the attraction of an expensive restaurant when the man pays?

I'm going to generalize here and do so based upon my experiences here. I feel that most people on Match, for example, are taking the least-common denominator approach and are probably too lazy or unequipped to find someone in a more traditional way. In fact, it may actually engender people to stay more at home waiting for their prince or princess to show up on their computer. Life might actually be better if there was no internet dating. In general for every 100 emails I sent, I had less than 10 responses. For every email or wink I received, I had to the courtesy to reply to them. Since my audience was women, it was the 1 in 10 woman that would reply. Now I can understand that some women, particularly the attractive ones, might be verwhelmed with emails. I don't find it to be an excuse for not answering back.

I could probably ramble an rant some more but think you get the general idea. Your mileage may vary.

I am not the member of any dating site... but a few months ago I spent several hours searching through a few of them... didn't make me register...

Sooo, I have to admit that I did NOT open any profile without photo... Nor I opened many profiles with photo either...
I was focused on "reading" someone's face, smile, eyes, hands (if any <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> on the photo, that is), all together visual impression.


At least I'm not a low-life woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I have to tell you; those days when lurking over there, I used free-3-days-trial on Match.com
Sooo, I picked only one guy, and sent him an @ (buried my yahoo @ address in the message).
Well, he never answered.
And on the photo he looked so intelligent. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The email software used by Match (and presumably others) is very good at stripping out any type of email information that would circumvent their own email system. Maybe he really was intelligent.

Hm... But I buried it well... (as suggested by a good Match experienced friend of mine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

He's still there, saw it a few minutes ago...

OK, I understand reasons he is till there... but why does that make me feel.. uncomfortable... and have some not so positive thinking of him...?
Sad how I reason...
Like, he might be just an addict, or unsettled & changing girls... my first reaction/thought... and not like ah poor he hasn't found someone he was looking for...

Thanks everyone!!

I feel better reading all the stories.You all have such good advice.

Well,after eliminating about 8 more "matches",I just contacted (winked) at a really nice guy.Just my type: dark blonde hair,blue eyes,my age(one year younger),educated and tall,physically fit,handsome,loves to be in and around water like me (scuba diver),lives in my state,both sagittarius.So we will see.I am actually a bit excited at the prospect but I know it may not work out. Sniff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Red flag maybe?---NMNK hmmmmmmm

I do not post any info or pics of my kids and whomever I meet will not meet them for some time until I am serious.So that's covered.I also agree that no photo equals goodbye unless they agree to put one up.I don't know why people don't do that unless....they feel unattratcive? Photo's are a must for me.I have ones posted of me just from last month so they are current ( no highschool grad pics!).

I was feeling very overwhelmed (good choice of term) but now I am not going to feel guilty about deleting these guys.I know the same will be done to me at times and it's ok.I am not going to settle for anything less than what truly feels good to me.So I do say "No thanks" at least as a courtesy.IMO I think it's worse to not respond at all.

So far,eHarmony has been a disappointment I must say.Still not getting many matches although I live in a small but affluent town so,not many men around perhaps.One guy lived in Georgia. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I don't feel like getting on a plane to be able to see my date.

Thanks again all.It helps just to be reminded you are not alone going through this stuff.

B2M, that just goes to show looks can be sooo deceiving.

AGG and Booka, it sounded like AB was overwhelmed. A sure way to dramatically cut down your takers is to hide your photo. That's all. FWIW, I wouldn't go out with someone unless I saw a photo or several and had a name.

Of course, GG, I understood that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. My point was that if AB wanted to cut down on the number matches, she can achieve better results by not hiding her photo, but by filtering out all the things she mentioned, because they are in fact "filterable" - the distance, age, and "want kids" criteria are all standard filters she can use <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

BTW, who is "they"? If you mean the dating sites, you should be able to select your options for these major issues like want/have kids, age, distance, etc...That should cut down on the obvious mismatches.

AGG