AB,

I can think of any number of reasons why D hasn't been communicating. Be a little patient. He may even think your so far over his head he's afraid he'll not be good enough for you. (This is my usual problem).

Meanwhile the other guy seems like a possibilty - but don't take everything he says at face value. If, after meeting, he still seems interesting, check out his story. 2PhD's are hard to come by. One of our local college professors murdered his wife. LOL. Another professor recently divorced his 5th wife.

-AD (still a 40-something guy, divorced, 1 child)

PS
I'm on EH, and just came to the point with 2 ladies that it's time to meet them. I asked one of them, but not the one I think I like best. After I actually meet both of them, I'll have much more on which to form an opinion.

AD, hope you're right.But again,I was way too attached to D right away and that wasn't good,totally my fault too but I am staying open to the possibility.






I am being a bit conservative. I know not to accept everything someone says as being 100% truth.I was just listing what he has as a background.He sounds rather brilliant actually.It all better be true because the one thing that will stop me dead in my tracks with someone is dishonesty.

But you know sometimes you just get a vibe about who's a player and who just might be decent.I think this guy is decent.But we will see.He may back out at the last minute. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You never really know.

Good luck with the EH matches! Let us know how it goes.

I just want to take up for some of the MNMKs. I've been out w/ a couple. And they were in their 40s. One wanted to get married. I've also been out w/Divorced, Has Kids. Guess which one is easier? Sure there are some things the NMNK guy doesn't understand and I'd watch out for someone who is over 40 and has never had a relationship longer than 6 months. But, w/NMNKs you get someone who is willing and has time to put his (or her) energy into you and, if it progresses into serious, your kids. There is no ex-wife to deal with and no juggling of 2 families' schedules. You don't have to deal w/different parenting styles.

My BF is NMNK, mid-40s and we are having a great time.

Enjoy yourself AB.

I do want to second what starving said. There are "Playboy" NMNK's who simply were too busy being selfish and playing through their 40's and suddenly said "oh crap, maybe I better settle down" (and there are both men and women like that out there), and then there are NMNK's who had been in long relationships (longer than my marriage was, in some cases), and wanted marriage and kids, but were either dumped, cheated on, or saw that the relationships were not the right ones.

The key is to know which group your NMNK falls into. I am dating someone totally wonderful who falls into the latter category, and she is even more normal than I am <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, so I would not rule out an NMNK without understanding things better. As an NMNK woman told me once, "If you don't hold it against me that I was never married, I won't hold it against you that you are divorced". Seemed fair enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Tell me, why this is the case, as I know many people who think this and I am struggling to understand a never been married 52 year old....

I think there are exceptions to just about every rule.But I do wonder why someone in their 40's hasn't taken a risk with another.In the back of my mind,I think there is the committment phobe question.

Starving,I agree that NMNK has some slight advantages too.No exes and kid schedules to deal with on one side at least.


Ok,guys,a question,if you're still reading:

D hasn't e-mailed me since Saturday.Yes I am still hung up on him but not as bad. I can tell though that he is still looking at my profile,almost every day.What does that mean???

If he was no longer interested in me,why's he looking? I put a new picture up earlier but after he looked I think.AD, you mentioned that maybe a guy thought he wasn't good enough or something.I couldn't have been more clear about my intentions and I would think that to be an ego boost.And if he's looking for a romantic love,I'm like "I'm right here! Try me!!"

Just curious about that.

No one knows what it means, other than that he's still alive and not PC-incapacitated. IMO, he has not responded to your offer to meet, so I'd move on. Not get sucked into playing the game.


See, this is how you get a headache trying to play the online dating game <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. He has shown no interest in making it a real relationship, so unless you want to play the game online only, I'd move on.

AGG

AB LOL!

i'm getting dizzy reading this stuff LOL

now i know why i didn't do online dating! this would drive me crazy too. and trust me, once you get into dating someone, it doesn't get much easier LOL
you still wonder what they are thinking and over analyze it all.

may god be with all of us in these dating ventures! hehe

mlhb

This is why I'm standing on the precipice and about to go overboard.I'm driving myself nuts.Ok AGG,I'll try to give up on D some more.Not easy.

mlhb,

Have a good laugh at me because I'm on my way to the funny farm! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Yes,I am guilty of way over analyzing things sometimes.This is the WORST though.geeez. And the best is yet to come via dating? ugh.

Well,2 more days and I'll be gone for a short vacation for 4 days.Then you guys won't have to hear from me for a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I want this thread to LIVE.I'm gonna need it.

Anyone have some Exedrin?

AB,
I have been divorced 4 years, and have just joined Eharmony. I specified a distance of 60 miles because I just bought a house and don't want to move right now. Love my job, my church, and am at a good place in my life. But, I am still very open to finding someone wonderful. So far I have been matched with 15 guys in the 10 days since I joined. Some I immediately closed out and some have closed me, so now I am left with 2. 1 of those have started communication, we got to the final point where we emailed each other. I was the last to email (3 days ago), and haven't heard back. I know exactly how you feel...wondering and analyzing what I said, or didn't say in my email.I guess 3 days isn't too long, is it? Maybe I will still hear from him. Anyway, I wish I would get more matches!!! Anybody know how that works on Eharmony?
Hang in there AB.....everything will work out in the end!
We've got to have hope!
C

ckh5941,

It's interesting that you have only two matches open. I would have felt that was too few. You need choices. The 13 you've elliminated sounds about right to me, but I would want more than 2 to work on.

I don't want to relocate either, but I had to push my range out to 120 miles to get more matches. Now, there are 8 or 10 in "open communication" (although only 2 or 3 actually communicate) and 14 more that I have not contacted at all, but might at a later date. The two most likely ladies are at least 1.5 hours away.

I've got about a hundred who have closed me or been closed by me (since October - with a two month gap while I was off eH).

My subscription ends in 2 weeks and I won't renew - at least not for a while. I'll either get something going with one of these that are communicating semi-regularly or take a break.

-AD

AD,
I agree...I wish I did have more than 2 choices right now, but don't you think I'll get more as time goes by? I guess I should specify a larger area than 60 miles, but I just really don't want to relocate....
I don't know what to do. The 1 I though was really nice has not written since Sunday (I know, it's only been 4 days), so I won't write him off yet. But, the other once just doesn't sound like my type....so, I guess I will just hang in there for a while. Good luck with your search...don't give up!!!! Do you think you can get something going with the ones you are communicating with? Why do you think some don't write back? I guess I just need to learn how not to take it so personally.
C

I was on Match for 3-months and have been on eHarmony actually longer than I wanted, about 4-months. I can draw some general observations about the online dating scene and dating in general. For the record, I'm 47, look about 10-years younger, and live in the St. Louis metro area.

At this point in time, I have 57 matches on eHarmony. 1 of these I haven't communicated with. 3 are in semi-active email contact. All of the rest are awaiting their answers in one form or another. The minority of the 57 have photos available at the first stage. I can honestly admit that I'm not really attracted to any of them, photos or not. It is nothing for a week or more to go by between communications. People must have busy lives and anything goes as far as schedules during the summer, when vacations and spontaneous events occur. That's not to mention other outdoor activities, such as sports, etc.

If you wait with baited breath for a response, you're sure to be disappointed. Most will never respond and it seems good manners are dead. I feel most divorced persons feel that there's something missing in their lives and it can be solved by online dating. I'm of the opinion that online dating is an unreality zone that is abstracted from another unreality zone of dating that is abstracted from another unreality zone of relationships. Online is the least common denominator and allows people you wouldn't normally meet in real life access to you in a relatively quick and anonymous fashion. It grants access to you and you to access people who might not make it through your social filters if you were to meet them in person. There is no psychological screening process and there is a general lack of honesty hiding behind the anonymity. There are success stories to be sure (not as yet for me) but there is no measure of the ratio of successes to failures.

I'm fortunate to be in a mid-sized market where there are some choices based upon the distance you're willing to travel. If your just interested in meeting new people, online dating could be a rewarding and certainly a learning experience. I've had zero-luck with anything more than that. No one advertises their dysfunction in online dating and it's not easy to separate the truly dysfunctional just from the information in their profile/portrait.

I don't know what algorithm eHarmony uses to match people, but attractiveness is low in priority despite my preferences.

I'm at a place that I've never been before in my life. I don't need anybody else and really don't miss the things a partner might bring to a relationship. I am happy by myself. I have friends and neighbors who have outlasted my relationships and will probably continue to do so, unless I find the perfect match. I will let my current subscription expire. Out of the 4-months on eHarmony, I've had zero dates. This only upsets me when I consider what I've spent financially on the eHarmony subscription. The same could be said of Match, although I did garner several dates from there, and my experience there drove me to eHarmony.

I'm of the current mind that the old ways are the best ways and will produce the best results. I'm not really actively looking for someone at the moment. If something fell into my lap via online or offline, I have the knowledge that I can return to my current status and be happy with myself if a relationship doesn't work out.

In short, I feel the negatives of my online dating experiences outweighed the positives by a large margin. The stress and aggravation of online dating have turned me off to it.

I've been divorced once. Most of the women I have dated from online sources, all of whom were in my age range, had been divorced twice or more. Most had way more baggage than I and of all types. This was my experience, YMMV.

I don't take online dating too seriously, and it's an attitude that seems to serve me well. It's kind of like the lottery, somebody will eventually win. When will it be your turn?

I don't really want to try Match again. Most of the guys on there (in my experience) are looking for the "perfect" woman. I mean perfect looking, perfect weight, perfect children, etc.The ones I have met seem to prefer women who make good money. I am a teacher, 48, a little above average looking, not overweight, but very conservative and I haven't had any luck anywhere. My limited experience on Eharmony is like yours, Booka. No one responds! And the one who did, who was quite nice looking, hasn't written in 4 days, which I realize is not an inordinate amount of time, but still, I'm disappointed by that. Of course I've only been on about a week and a half. You're right, I should not take any of this too seriously. Also, I am at a good place in my life: kids are just about all in college, just bought a house, happy with my job and church. But like you said, if someone wonderful appeared, I would be very open to a relationship. Good place for us to be in actually, don't you think?
C

ckh5941,

I find that so much of everything is based upon appearance. I'll bet that very little of the text portion of a profile/portrait is actually read. If I were to get serious about the online dating scene again, I would go get some professional photographs of myself. I might also employ some type of stylist to make me look the best. Of course, the reality would be that I wouldn't look like all the time!

I meet a lot of people on my own. I have one of those almost fearless personalities when it comes to meeting people. I have a cadre of friends and neighbors from whom I will reap many rewards with the investment of my time in their lives. I don't need online dating just to meet people. I've heard of one way that the online sites could be useful in a non-traditional way. If you had difficulty locating people for friendship, it would be possible to approach same-sex persons for friendship purposes.

I'm in a new subdivision and people are moving in all of the time. I approach each new neighbor as a potential friend.

From my perspective, indiscriminate dating is too expensive. I wouldn't date someone just for fun who expected me to pick up the bill. I've had bad experiences in that regard. If I were to date at this point, I would be serious about it. I've dated multiple people at the same time and it's just too much. I would prefer to focus on one person at a time. I have a certain list of criteria I would look for. I could probably tell you in 30-seconds or less whether it was possible for me to like someone enough to pursue a relationship with them. I would like an upgrade over the ex and I have some fairly high standards. I would be looking for the "perfect woman" or "the one". I've already done all of the sport dating that I'm interested in. From my perspective, I would not be overly concerned about the children situation.

There is a fine line between responding too quickly and appearing over-anxious or needy and waiting too long and appearing disinterested. I generally view a conversation as flipping the ball to the person whose turn it is to respond. If it's their turn, then you just have to await their reply. If they don't reply, they're not interested enough and it would serve no purpose to send a final message. I think you'll be able to judge when there's mutual interest. Maybe you'll even get mutual excitement.

I truly feel that online dating is sort of the lazy person's dating method. It's certainly low effort and there are no clear protocols on expected communication behaviors.

I would be more than happy to meet a teacher or a RN. I don't require someone who matches my income. In some ways, I feel that someone whose income is less than mine would appreciate my level of income and the effort I put into my career.

I would like for you to describe to me what you mean by being very conservative. I am fiscally conservative but very middle-of-the-road when it comes to politics (neither party satisfies). There are some things I'm conservative about socially and somethings I'm not. I feel that one can should be cautious how they label themselves. What you feel is conservative may not be so conservative to another person. I never advertise or discuss religion and I avoid profiles/portraits that include many references to faith/church/religion, etc. I feel religion is a personal and private thing and should not impede a relationship.

If I even think that I'm basing any expectation or happiness upon an online dating site, I mentally slap myself and then remind myself that the things in my life that are real, i.e. not cyber/virtual/artificial, are the things that I can base my personal happiness upon. You can invest too much of yourself into the online dating scene and it will cost you emotionally in a negative fashion.

eHarmony in particular is a lottery. View it as that and maybe you'll get a lucky spin.

I bought a new house at the beginning of this year and it's my main focus at this point. I have a 3-year plan to finish it from top to bottom to my specification. It may be the only time in my life that I'll get to do so and I want to revel in the experience of no negotiation and no compromise.

Don't take the online thing to seriously. Don't have any expectations for it and only then might something happen that you'll appreciate. I remind myself to remember what is good in my life. I can make myself happy and I don't depend on others to validate my self-worth. I am who I want to be and I'm happy being it. Yes, we are in a good place.

An you sound like an interesting person. If you were in my market...

Booka,
Your statement at the end of your message was very sweet. I think that is awesome that you are so outgoing, and have such a network of friends. I am working on that more and more....it just seems that most of my friends happen to be married, and can't always just spontaneously go somewhere with me when I call. Once in a while they will try to fix me up with someone, and occasionally I get a few fun dates out of it, but nothing more so far.

About being conservative, I have learned a lot in my 4 years post divorce. I've made my fair share of mistakes, and now am sitting back and just enjoying more of the positive things of being alone, and learning about myself and how I relate to others. I think I am very conservative in the way I've brought my kids up, which I believe will pay off, and I'm conservative money wise also. As far as politics go, well, yeah, I'm conservative there as well, but am getting tired of hearing all the rhetoric of both parties, and am just plain confused about some of it. I take a conservative approach now in dating, as I don't want to give too much of myself away too soon, as I've done before. Cautious is my by-word now. But still open to new things and new people.
Thanks for the insights and advice about online dating. I agree with what you say. Eharmony is a lot like a lottery, and to me Match and Yahoo are just plain scary. There is a singles group in my city I may join up with soon...
You sound like a very wise person...
If only you lived in the deep south.......

ckh5941 (a cryptic username),

I'm not sure I'd qualify as being wise, let's just say that I'm well seasoned. I am observant and analytical and may occasionally pickup on things that others may miss.

You've discovered my inner most secret: I'm sweet. There goes my international man of mystery persona! It's credibility is now shot!

At this point, most of my male friends are divorced, although I spend a lot of time with married people. I always tell the married people that I have nothing against their happiness and that they should not color their experiences on the basis of my experiences. All have been very supportive of me. I've not included my family, who I have become much closer to. In fact, I feel that my divorce brought my entire family more together. My sisters have been absolutely super to me.

I feel that I agree with your conservative views, particularly about dating. What's the fun in knowing everything about each other before the first date? I prefer the process of discovery.

I've been on a search for a singles group. If nothing else, I would interested in any activities associated with one.

I know now that I don't need someone else to complete me. I can exist as a complete individual without a partner. I don't need a partner, although I may want one. Now because I'm feeling so secure about myself, I can afford to take my time and be selective about it. Hopefully this also makes me a better catch.

You sound like a very interesting person. My email address is in my signature if you would like some platonic conversation. I hope that you have a great day!

I'm gonna ramble here... I'm knee-deep in both Match and eHarmony, and I'd like to participate in this a bit, but it'll be surfacy initially.

The online dating thing seems to work well with my greatest strength, which is writing... I give good email. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> However, I also take *horrible* photographs, and I am too honest, since...
I'm one...
Mine too...

I am 6'4", 222#... I could stand to lose about 20#, and am in the process of doing that... but I'm not "overweight." However, my own sense of honesty won't let me put "Athletic and toned" down, because I am, well... about average. Where's my "Athletic and about average" choice? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

But I *know* that many women aren't interested due to my being honest about my current build... even many that I know look perfect in other aspects. What to do, what to do...? If "About Average" means "a few extra pounds," does "Athletic and toned" mean "about average...?" I really don't know what to do on that.

I have been fine-tuning my date-o-meter for the last few months... only been actively dating since May after nearly 25 years off. I took the time to be happy with myself before starting, and to be sure that's what I wanted to do... even a couple false starts (as well as the occasional "break.") I've realized a few things, especially that woman are just as interested in the picture *first* before what is written in the profile... the profile is just words anyway; anyone can say those things; backing up the words is what is hard. In a way, that's sort of a relief. You ladies aren't as strange a species as I once thought... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I do read an *entire* profile (several times) before contacting, and although I think I'm past the "spouse shopping" phase, I am trying to cull out women who just seem not to have long-term potential, no matter how hot they may be. Had a first date last night that was a blast; I don't think there's a lot of romance potential there, but we're approaching it as just enjoying each others company... a good idea.

Another strength is that I am and never have been intimidated by women, so that helps. I am currently looking into getting "out there" more; I'm in SoCal, so scuba, kayaking, hiking, biking, things like that... not to meet women (OK... not *only* to meet women), but also to just get back out in the world. Spending time with my one single friend, and seeing what we might find.

AB, on the "fantasyland" thing, one thing I have noticed is that email is easy... words are easy, and every email you send and receive just adds another brick to the pedestal that will eventually get knocked over if you build it too high. I've finally met two women who were *awesome* in email, and I couldn't get out of the dates fast enough once we met in person.
lol... I was thinking the same thing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Booka, you do seem to have a good handle on things... I don't recall you from before; I've been on-and-off MB nearly 10 years (wow!), but the thought on the professional photos is something I've thought about... but I went out with a gal a few weeks ago who had only a GlamourShot up... from the neck up... yes; "Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!" I was not even remotely attracted to her when meeting, and felt guilty, like I should have been. Not sure I want to do the same, but I guess as a primary, coupled with snapshots in the profile, it would be OK. Maybe after I drop those 20#... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This has all been quite generic on my part, but I am replying to a months worth of thread in one... I've been dating almost exclusively online, had good dates and bad, jeykells and hydes, false advertisers and a couple that I saw through pretty quickly, and others that snowed me. I need to go find wiffty's dating advice list again...

Who_Dat,

I give good email and good phone too. I've learned that it possible for both parties to say too much via email prior to the first meet. I am no longer interested in discussing my divorce or much of my past in an upfront conversation. I also don't want to hear about the other person's horror stories.

I dated one woman whom I felt that even before we met we knew too much about each other and not enough about the things we didn't have in common. It was just too much too soon. Oye ve!

I hear your pain on the physical description categories. I think of myself as thin but others may thing of me being athletic. I would suggest getting someone else's opinion, someone who knows you well and will tell you the truth. I think we all have mental images of ourselves that sometimes obscures our actual vision of what we really look like. I'll say this jokingly, if everyone gave their actual clothing measurements, it might be a bit more defining than the current choice of body descriptions.

For the record, I', 6"2", about 210 in weight, 11.5-12 in shoes, 34 waist, 36 inseam, large shirt size (I need room for my shoulders). In a real shirt that is sold by neck and sleeve sizes, I can go 15.5 in the neck and prefer a 37/38 sleeve. Hat-size I don't have a clue. XL for gloves. Blonde medium-length, natural color and natural curls. Blue eyes. I was recently as low as 202 and a lot of people thought I looked too thin at that weight. Enough about me.

I've been on the EN section of the forums in the past. I still hang out there occasionally to support a few of the men.

I'm actually quite happy not to date based upon my recent experiences. I never say never, but I've definitely set the bar higher.

I'm going to make some generalizations here. Professional non-glamor-shots photos, including a head-shot and a body shot would be excellent. The whole glamor-shot thing, while interesting, does not promote reality. Neither does plastic surgery, teeth whitening, liposuction/lipodisolve, etc. You might see some rather beautiful, glamorous women with some really plain-looking children. All of the aforementioned items are not genetic and will not be passed onto to your children. Buyer beware!

I don't talk marriage or shacking-up, I'm not ready for either. I would like a long-term stable relationship that includes affection, intimacy, and great sex. I settled for far less in my XM (ex-marriage). Oh, and great conversation.

I guess I just want too much!

Ooooh, did someone mention blonde hair and blue eyes?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LOL

I had a long response to everyone but the power went out...grrrrr

I have learned a bit since I started all this a month ago yesterday.

1)Don't get overly involved. I rushed right out of the gate, an excited "newbie" and got emotionally involved with someone just by his looks and how he was e-mailing me. One lesson I hope to pass on.

You can't wait by the computer either and expect people to contact you right back. Everyone is busy or they might not be interested or who knows. You can't over analyze things either like I did. It's a fools game.

Since we are giving out our details: I'm 5'5", weigh 119,physically fit, have long dark brown hair and green eyes. We really need an MB dating board! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


2) I don't like eHarmony. I just got renewed which was a mistake. I have had many matches on that one but I don't like the process. I plan on cancelling.




LOL. I have to agree with this. Is it too much to ask to find an attractive guy? And many guys don't seem to post a picture either. I won't even entertain the idea if they can see me and I can't see them.


3) I really like Match.com ( sorry you didn't like the experience ckh). I have met many men I wouldn't otherwise being at a local restaurant,museum or park,etc. I like the website profile too. I am e-mailing a really nice guy too and he writes these great,long insightful messages to me. And for those who can give good e-mail, that is a big plus in my book. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Much better than " How u doin?"


4) I am ambivalent about PerfectMatch.com. I have had some encounters there but not as many. I don't like the set up either. BUT, that is where I met Mr. blonde/blue eyed 2 PhD's ( I did a background check and he did write the 2 books he said he did).We are supposed to get together on the 11th.I am trying to stay neutral about him. I have my profile hidden on that one.

5) Be easy on yourself and keep busy. Don't let the online business soak up your whole life. Overall I have had a good experience. Some days weren't so great, in the beginning. It was a sobering experience.

6) I don't know why people don't e-mail you back or stop doing so ckh. If they show a great deal of interest and then disappear, you have to wonder. I also don't like when people keep looking at your profile day after day and then don't talk to you. What's that about? I feel like hiding my profile sometimes.

I also made my travel range a bit more than 50 miles. I don't mind a bit of traveling but not so much that I need to stay at a hotel overnight to make it back home.

7) I don't like the idea of "glamour" shots. I much prefer the natural ones where you are doing something you like, with a pet or at the beach,etc. If you look totally done up,it's a bit pretentious. But I bet more women than men do that.

I am very happy and secure in my life right now so meeting a nice ,attractive guy would be like icing on the cake.