My biggest problem with online dating so far is that some of the women I have met expect instant perfection. I've had a couple where things seemed to be going well, and they bailed at the first signs of any form of conflict. These were both women who have been doing this for *years,* and the attitude seems to be, "Well, there'll be another 500,000 men along any time now..." I'm looking myself for a good combination of things I like with the least amount of things that drive me up the freaking wall.

For Physical (since we're sharing... lol) 46 yrs old, 6'4"; 222# 13 shoes; 36/36 pants, XL shirt (for shoulders too... no really). Had to look in my closet to see I wear 16/37 dress shirts. Brown, med-short full head of my own non-grey hair, blue eyes, all my own teeth.

AB, this is not a knock on you by any stretch of the imagination; we're not running a dating site at all, but rather trying to help each other out, so I hope you'll take this in the intended spirit. One of my biggest pet peeves is when women describe themselves as "attractive" in their bios (caveat: I have no doubt you are; we're talking about match bios here, not the descriptions for this thread). Because... isn't that for *me* to decide? Beauty *is* in the eye of the beholder, after all.

That's one of the biggest problems I have with the picture thing... *so* many people have told me I look so much better than my pictures, but I really can't put that down in my bio, especially after the deathly silence that came from one woman on a date when I said that... apparently, she didn't agree, and that's *fine.* You just never know what's gonna float someone's boat.

LOL. Maybe they are just hopeful.




Ok. Sorry about that. But when you get told this many times, it just seems appropriate I guess.I don't mind when guys do it.If they think they are then it doesn't bother me. I'm not tooting my own horn and I didn't put that in my profiles either, just here( not anymore just to make you happy). But people can also see for themselves on my profile and by judging how many guys keep e-mailing or winking etc, maybe I'm not so bad. Hey, if you have an attribute that you think you like and you think it may be true,I'm all for putting it out there and letting other's decide. Some people are great conversationalists, caregivers, describe themselves as athletic or strong etc. It's not always true,sure but I would hope people are being honest.I don't expect to be all things to all people.

AB: fair enough, and don't be sorry in the least. That's why I put so many caveats in my post... as much as I get told I am a good writer (uh; probably about like you get told you are attractive, so there's your point in its entirety), I do tend to stuff those aforementioned size 13's in my cyber-mouth all too often. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Don't worry about me; it's like I said... it's the bio. And I have found that many of these women who describe themselves as "attractive" (***NOT YOU***!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )have thought due to those looks, they are God's gift to men. And I just don't have time for women like that. Yes, I realize many (even most) are just attempting to clarify, but that just seems so subjective a quality to me.

mmm... that other shoe is looking mighty tasty, so I think I'll stop right there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Since I had basically *none* of the above in my XM, I'm holding out for the Grand Prize as well.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's ok. I understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't like anyone who thought they were "Gods" gift either. I read one profile where this guy actually *said, "I really am great",etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Well,that was a turn off right there.He was really buff but attitude goes a longer way I think.

I also think there are many characteristics that one can use to describe themselves when meeting others on these sites.Not just being attractive or a good writer/good listener,etc.You have to start somewhere right? Otherwise you wouldn't have much of a profile.



That's too bad but I'm sure you aren't alone. I know I didn't have the best in my marriage either.But then I don't think many people know how to keep a marriage alive and sparkling like we MB'ers do!

And being a good writer isn't a negative. I hope you don't think so by being told that by people. It comes across right away to me if someone is or isn't. And like I said, I am much more attracted to someone who can keep up with me and keep a fun,long conversation going. It's a great asset I think. Like this guy on Match I have been talking to. I really look forward to his e-mails (and he does from me too) and I have no doubt we will be talking on the phone one day soon.It's a quality that can last long term and that I know I would like to have in another relationship or marriage.

So if you got it,don't be afraid to show it, I say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I can think of two women I met on Match. Both described themselves as knockouts. They were told they were knockouts by their friends/family. Both had very small photos, so small that you could not really tell anything about them. One had but just a head-shot for a photo. Both had good to great personalities. Both looked far worse in person than in their photos and both were very overweight. Both were more interested in me than I was in them. Both were very needy and very high-maintenance. I learned a lesson or two. One would be don't date anyone that you're not enthusiastic about dating. If you have some hesitation, don't go on the date.

I am sometimes reminded of the try-out shows for "American Idol". Some people exit the auditions crying and exclaiming that the judges will be sorry that they didn't vote the contestant through. Their friends and family are in total support. The playback reveals a horrible, tone-deaf, embarrassing performance, so embarrassing that you wonder why they would do that to themselves. There are people like this in the dating world as well. The operative word is denial. Sometimes they are enabled by their family/friends, who are in turn themselves in denial.

One of the women introduced me to her father. After I had left, the father had asked the woman if I had said she was beautiful. I had not and would have had to lied about it had I said something. The thought of her being beautiful was not a possibility. Naturally, the father thought that his daughter was beautiful, as fathers will. It was kind of sad.

I'm now on my fourth Match date in the last 2&1/2 months... first one; no picture when I originally wrote, but wound up being gorgeous. Second one also gorgeous, but insane. I learned a lot about my own approach and shortcomings from these two, as well as things I cannot and will not put up with. Third was the GlamourShot gal ("Danger, Danger!"), and now I'm approaching my third date with #4... and it's *really* interesting, and I'm glad I gave her a chance for #2, as she isn't normally the type I am attracted to. She's more like "one of the guys" in her approach, although she certainly doesn't look like one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But I wasn't very enthusiastic about her after the first, but enough to try for a second. That's going to lead to a third that I now *am* enthusiastic about... so I'm glad I gave her a chance.

The one thing I wanted to ask was about "dealbreakers." The things in profiles that you will absolutely not go out with that person, or even write them or consider them ever, under any circumstances. I really wish that when you selected the "Find other people like..." that these filters would also come in...

Age: 38 or older. I will consider as young as 36 if they are otherwise outstanding and close geographically.
Smoking: No smokers. Even "occasionally" or "Trying to quit."
Politics: No Liberal or Very Liberal.
Kids: No "Definitely"s especially coupled with their desire for my having "None."
(My) Income: Mine isn't put up; I don't think that's something I want out there in public like that. But gals who are looking for fat wallets? Pass.
Body Type: Like booka said, I don't want to date anyone who weighs more than me, so no "a few extra pounds," which as you said, generally equates to "obese." I also don't like Kate Moss skinny either, but they don't have a category for that.

Drinking: This isn't a dealbreaker any more, but going out for drinks is a nice way to meet up and break the ice, so I will consider "Don't drink" on a case-by-case (OK... picture by picture... lol) basis. Same thing with "Vegetarians." The insane gal was one (hopefully that's not *why* she was insane), and I learned from her it wouldn't be an issue at all.

These "requirements" don't seem to me to be too limiting... what do you think?

Booka, Your story kinda reminded me of the movie "Shallow Hal"...I loved that movie! Now all you need to do is run into Tony Robbins, and you will think those women are beautiful!

Well, one of my 2 Eharmony matches that initiated communication with me finally emailed again. He didn't have a picture up, and when we finally got to open communication, he emailed me a picture of him and his daughters, and he's pretty nice looking. I emailed him back, and he didn't answer until today...which was 8 days, but who's counting... I'm not sure what to think about his email?? He said his computer was shot, and gave me his phone number. He said to call him when I got up the nerve!!! I think he was trying to be funny, but I couldn't tell/!?
So that's my latest. Have closed out 20 guys, and have 2 remaining on the board, one of which hasn't contacted me at all....so that's my latest.

Who Dat,
Here are my dealbreakers (great thread by the way)
Age: 46 to 58. The 50 year olds and up must not have a big gut and it's okay if they are bald, especially if they buzz their remaining hair. Love the goatees.
Smoking: No smokers. I dated one once and that was enough
Politics: No one too liberal, and I prefer conservative.
Kids:had enough! My 3 are almost grown, and I really don't want to raise any more...especially the itty bitty's.
Income: Depends. I'm a teacher, so I know they're definitely not after MY money.
Body Type: No beer belly's...I love the jean and long sleeve shirt type(like George Strait)

Edited

Well, don't forget, there are those of us who did everything in our power to learn from our mistake, to make ourselves better and make sure it never, ever happens again. Things like finding MB...

I already know I'll never lie about what I did, but my answer will likely be, "Do you want the truth, or do you want to hear what you want to hear?"

Edited

chk,

I hadn't thought of the film "Shallow Hal". I don't consider myself to be shallow about my requirements. An attractive appearance is something I desire but is not the only criteria. If an attractive appearance was my only criteria, then I might be considered to be shallow. And Who_Dat, I've already dated and dumped an insane one.

Here are some of criteria/preferences:

1. I would prefer someone who has been divorced just once. Being divorced more than once is a deal-breaker (I have plenty of experience in this area). I would not reject someone who has never been married and sometimes think they might be the best match. I prefer someone who has been divorced once because I feel we'll have more in common and that the both of us would have learned quite a bit about a lot of things from the experience.

2. I prefer someone tall and thin.

3. Someone who would want to add kids via birth or adoption would be a deal-breaker.

4. I prefer someone who owns, runs, maintains, and lives in their own home.

5. I prefer someone who maintains a tidy home and has a tidy appearance.

6. I would prefer someone who would not require the traditional assignment by gender of specific tasks/roles. I can do many things and enjoy several of them including cooking, laundry, ironing, etc. There are some things I might perform better at than a partner. I would want to keep performing the things that I do best or at least share in doing them.

7. I would prefer someone with emancipated children. Young children might not be a deal-breaker depending on several factors.

8. Wanting to monopolize my time would be a deal-breaker.

I'm sure there are a few others and I have established quite a few boundaries as well.

I would concur that I would not be interested in a cheater. Nor a married woman and I would be most hesitant over someone who was separated and not yet divorced. I do understand that some people, actually several that I know, have very protracted divorces that may take several years to become final. These people are dicey because they tend to be obsessed with their impending divorces.

I should have mentioned something about an age range. My first blush was to only date people within a very tight range of my age. I have yet to find one that was suitable and most within this range were baggage-heavy. This in turn caused me to consider younger women, not from the vanity standpoint, but because they are typically divorced just once and they don't carry the baggage that goes with some middle-aged multiple-divorcees. I have yet to date anyone who was significantly younger than me. My current range would be 35-50.

good age range booka. i woulda had to cyber smak you if you were yet another man over 35 who has to date a 20 something!

nothing aggravates me more....
there are plenty of us 35 and over somethings that are just as well kept and attractive as our 20 something counterparts and have much more substance and experience than they do.

mlhb

The first part of this sentence indicates a high level of honesty and forthrightness.

But the "Do you want the truth..." part is somehow disturbing to me. It is though you are setting up a strawman - "are you the type of person who would want me to lie?" as a way of shifting attention to the listener's honesty and ethics and off of your own as you are about to admit to being a past cheater.

I'm sure that's not how you mean it to sound - but that's what came through to me. You may want to rethink this.

I can definitely see your point; it's not meant to "shift the blame" as it were to whomever I am with, but rather to show them that honesty in this regard is more important to me than putting their mind at ease by lying to them about something I know will not happen again. More respectful, too.

That being said, as some have stated they would never date even a one-time former cheater, who had done careful, years-long soulsearching, found the flaws in their own character and (hopefully) corrected them... likewise I would not ever want to date someone so incapable of forgiveness, especially for something that did not even concern them.

Different strokes...

Yep; I had to re-register here several years ago; most of my posts were "lost" when the board transferred over in 2001(I think). I don't expect anyone who wasn't around then to know anything other than that one fact, about which side I was on.


Well for me, it's not something I'm going to volunteer, unless things start getting pretty serious. We'll see when it gets there. I think that by my manner, my honesty and the way I carry myself, whomever I am with may never think it's something I would ever do, and may never ask. It was a complete aberration of my personality.

I can understand your position (as much as anyone from the "other side" can, anyway), but do you really expect an initial email to contain such information? Why not just put it in the profile then?

I'm actually glad the news came out now and not later when I was more involved (if).

I'm very confused about what to do. On the one hand, I don't really want to say goodbye to B. He's been so sweet and he realizes what he did 13 years ago was totally wrong and now knows even more so having had it done to him.

I don't know if one should state info like being a WS in a profile.

Something you said rang true and that was forgiveness. Although B never cheated on *me and I have nothing to forgive him for, I have to reconcile how his past makes me feel. I just don't know.




Can you clarify what that means to you?

AB, i would be wary of someone who cheated. i can't help it, i would.

patterns, even past ones, tend to repeat themselves, sometimes unexpectadly i think.

i have a hard time with that one.

just be very wary and very choosy...

mlhb

I would have very little in common with 20-somethings except for sex and music. In my old age, I turned to alternative music and found that many songs in that genre reflect my attitudes about relationships. Alternative artists have a way of telling it like it really is. The honesty of it is refreshing and I like hearing new music.

I tend to think that I will be most comfortable with someone who is in my relative age range, say 44-48. That just happens for me to be the sweet spot for the divorced-twice crowd.

hey, there are some women out there under 30 who are divorced twice booka. that, to me, is ridiculous, but what do i know.

mlhb

Just that every aspect of someone having an affair is completely opposite to my entire outlook on life... the lying, deception, secrecy, betrayal... all of it. It's why MarriageBuilders was such a lifesaver to me... it showed me the reasons (not excuses, but reasons... I take full responsibility for my actions) behind what I had done, as the entire thing was a textbook Harley-esque example. And even though I attempted to implement it into my marriage, I was unsuccessful in saving it... something I am now quite happy about. But the next one will be my last, as we will work together to implement the principles I *know* can work when we both use them.