My husband and I are in the middle of reconclilation. Actually, it's more like brushing his past behavior under the rug and forget that he hurted me by trying to leave me. We rarely talk about it and I am supposed to just be happy that he didn't divorce me and not "******" anymore.
We fought a couple of times and here's what he told me during the fights. That he didn't come back to me because he loved me he did it because he was tired of me saying no I won't divorce you. So he did it to shut me up, he says. And that he doesn't really care if my feelings are hurt. I know he could just be saying that to hurt me, or that's how he really feels. At the time when we were getting back on track he did say he loved me. The way I see it, if he really wanted to divorce me he really would have, and there would really be no stopping him.
I brought up a past incident that still hurts me to this day. It was about Valentine's Day, and how he didn't get me anything yet he still had time the day before to go with somebody to buy a Valentine's present for his fiance. The only thing is they used our credit. It came up to be over 1000 dollars all together. And he got the kids something from Walmart but not me. I brought that up (yes I know it is July so who cares but I just know that for every Valentine's day that's what I will think about) and how hurt I was that I didn't get anything and he said he didn't care because he doesn't see himself doing anything wrong. I asked him to see it from my side and he said were we at a good point in our relationship that he would buy me something? The truth is no, so I should get over it but the fact of the matter is we are still paying for that other purchase so that pain won't just go away so quickly.
Another thing that really hurts is the fact that he will not bring me to join him when he hangs out with his friends. Most of his friends are single, with kids or none at all. All they do is drink and drink, so it's not my type of thing or whatever but I've told him before I don't mind that and since all I ever am is a stay at home mom I would love to have some adult time too. I asked him yesterday if he was invited to anything since it was fourth of July and he said of course he was but he didn't go. I asked him if any of his friends have kids so that we can all go. He said even if they did he wouldn't bring me anyways. We went to a party once together with the kids and he just hung out with the guys while I was in the corner by myself so of course I tried to stay with him. There was just one other female there,who was the host so I tried to stay with her but I really wanted to be with him. So I basically clung to him, telling him to pay attention to me too. Ever since that day, he says he doesn't want to take me because all I'm going to do is ****** that he doesn't hang out with me. I really don't see how he doesn't see my point. What person would want to be a wallflower at a party while her spouse is in the spotlight? The point is if anybody invites him anywhere he will not bring me. He did say last week that he will since I don't go out, and so we will see about that. But just yesterday he said he wouldn't. So I don't know.
What bothers me is the fact that we've never had couple friends, or mutual friends. We did have one before but he didn't like the wife so that friendship fell through. I wish it didn't because she was the one who brought me roses on Valentine's day when she knew I wasn't going to get anything. And if I do find friends with husbands, he says he doesnt want to meet them, has no care to meet them ever.
I am not crazy to feel down about this, am I?
The other day he got reconnected with a couple of his high school buddies over the phone. He was with the wild and crazy crowd back in the day. So when he told them (jokingly he told me) that he was trying to divorce me but I wouldn't let him, he told me that they were like yea get divorced and come over here so we can party! He told me that and I felt devasted. These people don't even know me and they say stuff like that! I know I shouldn't take it so hard when he said it jokingly but still.
My good friend pointed out that if he feels that he didn't come back in the relationship for love, that he did it just to shut me up then why does it make sense for me to meet his friends.
I've met his friends once but I don't know them. I hate feeling left out from his life. This was one of our problems in the first place, before all of the divorce talk - when I felt insecure, left out, isolated, no friends, just stay at home. I still feel that way, except I am trying to make friends this time.
I've felt jealous of my daughter for the love that he shows her. I know it is a different type of love so I shouldn't feel this way but I do. He tells me he doesn't show his feelings like the way I need him to (with hugs and kisses, and tellimg me he loves me) but how am I supposed to feel when he tells her he loves her and hugs her? I put this back in the emotional needs section once and someone told me to post this question here. Am I wrong to feel this way? And he told me yesterday that he has told a couple of people that I feel jealous of our daughter and they think I"m weird. I'm not sure if he is joking or if he really told people that.
He is deploying before the end of the year and I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I know I need to reread everything that this site has to offer but I am just trying to see if there is anything else I can do to make our love stronger.
Should I just drop the whole friends thing?
I was just reading an article on arrogance in a marriage and how it just basically destroys a marriage. I am suprised how much it describes my husband. Here's an excerpt
"Arrogance is, by its nature, mean spirited because it gets its stature by putting others down. Deliberate meanness flows easily from the distance and superiority it provides. To maintain superiority, the other must be put down, blamed, ignored, disdained, or ridiculed. A very cruel twist of the bond of love. If the rejected one pleads, cries, screams, or rants and raves, and it is received by arrogantly cold indifference and/or cutting remarks, it creates a climate of total powerlessness"
(link
http://www.mtoomey.com/commentaries/abusive_betrayal.html)He is just like that. He puts people down but yet they still like him. Even admire him. I guess he does it in a joking way or a smart alecky way that they can't tell if he's serious. All throughout my marriage he's been like that and I try to say it back to him as a joke, when things were good they don't bother me as much. But when things are bad or when we are in a fight, it really really hurts.
How do I cope with my arrogant husband and make him realize not to treat me this way?
On a good note, my love tank is not on zero. He is being considerate, calling me a lot, texting me, saying I love you back when I say it, and wanted to go to another Wendys when the first one that I went to didn't have any more Vanilla frostys. He's always told me even when we were on the brink of divorce he loved me. So I know he does. He is great with my kids. We spend a lot of time watching movies together. We like to shop and he basically gets me whatever I want. I love him and I want to make us work and be stronger before he deploys. Any advice out there? How do I get past the hurt that was caused when we were on the way to divorce so that we can heal again? Marriage counselling is not an option with him because he feels there is nothing wrong with him. And since we are doing okay, we don't need to go. I won't force it upon him and I do plan on going next week for myself.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
