Newbie here - HELP! Husband admitted to emotional affair with my best friend and neighbor 1 year ago, and gone to counseling, marriage is in repair - but can't seem to move past betrayal of my friend. Her husband does not know, and we are all thrown together for social events due to mutual friends and neighborhood. My husband says it has been over for a long time, but I can't seem to move past even a year later! I want no contact with her- but don't know how to handle and going crazy and resentments is getting worse!

I suggest you start househunting....

I am dead serious....


when did you find out
why did he tell you
what were the reasons...the one your husband claims for the affair...

have you two gone or are going to counseling

ARK

Why doesn't the other husband know? If the tables were turned....wouldn't you want him to tell you? You and your husband are working on your marriage....he doesn't even know he needs to! The strengthening of his marriage can only help you.

And I'm with Ark....it's time to put some distance between you and your neighbors so that some healing can take place without having to face your betrayer at barbeques.....look for a new house.

the husband has a right to know,,, even at this advanced hour.
you cannot have NC while living next door to someone. Time for one of you to move. Speak to the OWH and see which of you it is to be.
Are you SURE it was only an emotional affair??? Living in close proximity would afford many opportunities to consummate their emotional attachment to one another.

Medc is spot on.

Thank you. We have been in couseling for over a year, and this EA came out during a "mid life" for my husband and the guilt he felt. The EA actually ended over 3 years ago and he never told me, he didn't want to hurt me and felt that since "sex" wasn't involved.... He now realizes the damage this has been, and acutally this hurts far more than some of the other issues because we were such good friends. I approached my friend when I knew and she down played it - but really didn't own up to it or even really apologize. I think my husband is sensitive to my pain, but I also don't want to feel like I keep "punishing" him when we socialize in big groups. IT takes me DAYS to recover from being around her and on the "trigger" memories that come up. Not sure how to handle all the "group" BBQ invitations. Unfair that I have to avoid other friends or couples that are in the dark that have innocently invited us to their home or B'day celebration. Should I discretly mention something to a few of our other close couples? Not sure how to handle her husband?

Even though it has been a year, you are still having issues with triggers and you are having difficulity with love busters with your husband because of the triggers and everything else. This Other woman is acting like most all other women act--down playing the EA and pretending it wasn't all that at all--typical OW script.

She was a good friend that you trusted. She betrayed you and attempted to destroy your marriage. It is perfectly normal for you to feel the way you feel. In terms of recovery and protecting your marriage, it is like you are still at discovery day in many respects. So treat the situation like it were your discovery day. The other woman's husband needs to know. One of you should move. There should be no contact. That may mean explaining the situation to friends that you want to keep in contact with.

You are a normal person with normal feelings that you have not pushed under the carpet. Good for you. But since you are a normal person who is not just eating your feelings about this whole betrayal, you need to take some action in order to feel safe.

I do agree with MEDC regarding how you can be certain that it was an EA and not an EA/PA.

Don't live in this limbo with these normal reactions to your situation hanging over the head of you and your family.
Lake

Thanks Lake53. This forum is so helpful becasue I feel like I have no one to talk to. You hit the nail on the head. I have actually struggled with feeling guilty for being "difficult" about the situation and not "Mess up the circle of friends!" Crazy Huh?! Sometimes I wonder if I am being too dramatic and should just move on and be thankful my husband came clean and has made huge strides in our marriage and communication. Our marriage has been better due to all of the work we have done and his honesty with his struggles with this area and knowing his weakness and "Affair Proofing" our marriage, ect.. Because it involves a close friend and he also plays golf with her husband every Wednesday - this is "messy" and I am not willing to just ignore this and play "nice" and act the same, that is where the guilt comes in. We had a very tight group of friends and we all vacationed togehter, children go to school together, ect.. and I am mourning the loss of a friend and the fact that things will never be the "same". I don't see her as a threat anymore, but just hurt that someone I trusted so closely (my husband AND my friend) could both betray me - Lets just say my Walls are up for a while and after 21 years of marriage, for the first time I don't feel entirely "Safe" . Welcome to "Reality" I guess, and YES - I was a bit niave, all the signs were there but I was WAY TOO TRUSTING AND CONFIDENT! Sad but true....But the blinders are OFF now!

How will I ever know for certain it was just an EA and not Physcial/sexual?? That part drives me crazy but my husband admitted this to me and I was blind sided. He actually confided in a family member years ago who helped him to "end" it and keep him accountable - but the fact that he never told me became too much over the years and he finally did along with a few other minor situations over 20 years. It was like he finally just had a break down and admitted to anything he could think of even 15 years ago! Now his soul is lighter, but I was crushed with the truth I never knew! Sometimes I am gratful, but sometimes I wonder if it was better I never knew - Selfishly to avoid all of this pain....He is sleeping better and night and I am wrestling with all the baggage now!

Does your fws know what behavior or boundries he crossed when he became involved emotionally with your best friend?

How is he going to protect you in the future?

Have you both discussed how you are going to avoid falling into those EA again, such as,"if you feel start feeling a little too close to another woman, you tell your spouse about it?"

Or the dangers of seeking comfort or counsel from the opposite sex about your personal problems?

k.d.'s heartbreak

It took a while and some counseling for my husband to really "get it" - and because OW was one my best friends - it was a double whammy for me. Because we have so much history with this couple, and our kids are in high school together - the whole thing is messy because we cross over into social gatherings, and we get invited to some of the same parties without knowing it. I don't know how to say to friends or respond to an invitation to a party " Sure we will come, but did you invite OW name?" without sounding strange or without telling more people than need to know about this situation. Small community and my husband owns a business so no chance of us moving any time soon! Trust me, would love to - but not realistic.

My anger is really more with her (OW) than with my husband anymore, and I wish she still did not effect me the way she does. Without her even knowing it -just seeing her sends a wave of emotions through me - Anger, jealousy, betrayal, sadness that our friendship is destroyed, and I begin to obsess. THINKING OVER AND OVER... Replaying tapes in my head of past memories and vacations, hanging out with them, things I may have confided in her about my husband, holiday's, ect... Wondering WHEN exactly it started, and WHEN did it End officially. It doesn't help that she is tall, blonde and very fit/thin! Meanwhile I am at gym 3 times a week trying to fight Genetics!

I don't like to bring this up to my husband because I don't want him to think he can't tell me in the future that he may be struggling again, or if there is another attraction later in life with someone - perhaps because it was such a good friend of mine, and that I was kept in the dark for a few years after it ended is really screwing with my mind.

In the meantime - counseling has been a huge help as a couple and lots of the resource books that everyone recommends. We both admit to being much wiser now than in the past - We can not mix alcohol and party atmosphere with some people, and recognize the boundaries now that were missing in the past. I was much too niave, and much too trusting of not only my husband - but REALLY Underestimated that there are many married and single women out there who like to play head games and flirt with married men for a challenge. And too many men (my husband) LOVE that attention! We both know how costly those "games" can be and where they lead.

So many people think that flirting, and casual joking, ect..is so innocent, I now want to scream "MAYDAY! RUN..DO NOT WALK... But RUN from that person. And the sad part is that they both would do this flirting right in front of me - or when I was near by. I was just too damn blind to see it or really told myself it was innocent and that it was "weak" to seem jealous!

WOW, Your husband is friends with, and continues to play golf with the betrayed husband? How humiliating for other woman's husband. I think your husband needs to tell him the truth.

I would stop pretending that everything is rosy in your life, and take the precaution of avoiding the OW. Get some different friends.

each and every day that YOU do not make it a priority to inform the OWH or be there when your H does so is another day that you are choosing to betray a man that has done nothing to you..you are also putting your M at risk by not informing him. Believer is right... this man is friends with the OM and it is degrading to him and yet he doesn't even know the truth.
Every day that you still live where you are now is another day that you are putting your marriage at risk.
See, it is now you that is risking harming your own family. This woman is as dangerous to your family as any disease could ever be. You would protect yourself against diseases...yet the OW you will socialize with.
I want to support you but there is something very off with your thinking right now. The time for action has come...there has been too much thinking and not enough doing. NOW...NOW...NOW...Tonight...you shouldn't let one more night go by without giving her H the respect he deserves...you should not go one more night without having a plan as to the next step you and your H will take to salvage your family. NOW.