My Tale

My wife went to celebrate her birthday out of town with her best friend. Shortly after she began going out of town more often w/ her friend with excuses for every outing. She was also on her computer allot and wouldn't disclose what she was doing. On one of her outing it all just hit me. The weird phone number, her sneaking, and last but not least a mans deodorant in her bag. I confronted her upon her return from being w/ th OP and she admitted to have the affair. She was honest and told me she couldn't break off the affair. Devi stated i bought SAA which gave me at least a plan, found myself the only party in restoring the marriage. She then read part of the book and seem hopeful, but she was hesitant about me monitoring her. Knowing she was IM'ing to communicate i ask her to close her yahoo account. She didn't. Instead read to me over the phone a letter to the OP she was going to send (Fake). She was covering all her tracks regarding me. She was trying to keep me happy so i wouldn't be suspicious (didn't work). I finally installed a Key logger on her computer. Last night she was "in the bath" for 2 hrs with the laptop blasting her music. This morning i checked the log and sure enough Mr. OP and my wife chatting their little sexual hearts away. Crushed and unhinged i confronted her. She swore to God that she wasn't talking to the OP anymore and wanted to see what prof of why i was accuse her(i didn't give it to her). I lost it , cursing her up an down and she kept denying it until th end of our confrontation. where she said,"how does it feel to know you've been lied to by someone you trust." I have a pornography addiction and that is what she was referencing. I told her she has to leave and to find somewhere else to live. And thats what she is doing now. She got her independence on the 4th of July. I have 2 children and currently seeing a profession about my addiction.

i was reading the intro to this forum and have an issue with exposing her affair to her/my families. She loves her mom but mom isn't too fond of her this would be devastating to what little relationship she has with her. Am I just retarded? We are still in caontact until she finds child care. So I'm in limbo and on antidepressants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Rick

Rick,

If you would like to expose to your family, her siblings, your siblings, your pastor, her employer, OM's employer, your employer, and any pro-marriage friends you may have...and wait on exposing to her mom...that would be okay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Remember, the intent of exposure is not vengeance, but rather to bring to the light of day the little dark secret that she has been hiding. If HER choices damage her relationships with her own family, it is HER BEHAVIOR and not your telling that has done the damage!!

My suggestion would be to begin exposure as soon as possible. Tell your family and employer so that they know what's going on with you and can offer what support is available. Sometimes employers will see a bit of a decrease in productivity and can offer time off, counseling, etc. Tell her family so they are aware of her choices and can encourage her to do what's right and return to the M. Tell her employer so they know they are at risk for sexual harassment. If she is using company time or resources (laptop, cell, car, travel) to continue unwanted sexual contact, that is sexual harassment even if YOU are the one who doesn't want it! They have a legal right to know, and just informing them puts the company in a position to have to investigate...that will put pressure on the A to end. Tell OM's W and OM's employer for the same reasons--they have a right to know and may need to legally protect themselves.

You do not HAVE to expose to her mom--especially if the truth would be extremely destructive. However, if you do choose to expose, remember that it is HER BEHAVIOR that caused the destruction, not your telling. Just remember that.

Finally, after you have spent the day exposing all day today, prepare for the fury. When a WS finds out that their secret is no longer hidden, they are FURIOUS!!! You will hear stuff like:

"I WAS going to work on our M but now it's really OVER!"
and
"How can I trust you again after you did this to me?"
and
"You have humiliated me in front of everyone!"

Let those words roll off your back. It's hard to hear them but it's just the babbling of a WS. Here at MB we call it Fog Babble. It's the strange stuff that all WS's say, and you just look at them and wonder, "Did you just hear what you said to me, because you could not POSSIBLY mean that!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So, expose today. Then come back and tell us how exposure went or ask us for tips on how to do it...etc. We'll be here for ya!



--CJ

Why? Don't let her take the kids. You need to let her know that you still want to work on the marriage, but you will not tolerate the OM in your life. You need to expose to everyone, including her family and OM's family. Continue to get help for your addiction.

FaithfulWifeCJ,

Fhank you for your reply. OK i'm starting to get the courage to do it but why was this step left out in the book SAA?

Rick