I just found this site today (thank goodness) and I haven't gotten a lick of work done. I'm not ready to tell the whole story.. but short story follows

OW is married, but tells hubby she's getting a divorce because her husband was grabbing on another woman and wouldn't acknowledge it was a big deal.

she works with hubby-kinda.. they both work rotating schedules so their days off usually coincide. I work m-f.

basically, there is another woman, and hubby tells me he told her to back off.. but I think what really is happening is that they're just talking/texting less when I'm around. I'm pretty sure they're still spending time together.
He told me who she is/where she lives, and I'm SOOOO tempted to confront her about this all.

I think the situation really mirrors the one example where they basically commisserated together about the awful people that their spouses are. I guess I'm exaggerating.

BUT I feel like she needs to know the truth about me. and I want to know why she would do this to our family--especially if she knows how it feels

comments? advice? please???
thank you.

Rather than talk to her...talk to her husband. Odds are high that the situation she/your H have told you about that relationship isn't true. I'd bet HE'D have kittens if he knew about what's going on between his wife and your husband.

Who told you this? It is very possible (most likely) that it is not true.

You want to expose to her husband.

When you can put down the rest of your story.

How long have you been married?
Kids?


No exaggeration. That’s exactly what affair partners do.

Read all you can on the site regarding Plan A and emotional needs.

Sorry you had to come here but there are a lot of people here who can help.

Do NOT confront OW. It's like pouring gasoline on a fire. She'll just rage about what a lunatic you are.

Listen to Owl and Chrisner, they've got it right.

Sorry you're here but Chris is right, you've found the BEST possible place to help your marriage.

I'm not an advocate of confronting the OP because it almost never solves anything. You already know she's not an honorable person or she wouldn't be interjecting herself between you and your husband and interfering in your marriage. Instead, do contact the other woman’s husband. THAT will start the fur flying big time, and begin the process of ending the adultery.

I had a feeling I did when I was reading. Soo many places when they hear "affair" or "adultery" say run away. I don't believe in it, nor do I want it. He is still the man I married, the man that I love.. he's just not doing a very nice thing to me right now..

we've been together for 12 years, and married for 6. we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter.

H told me that was her story before I knew an affair was what this is. He also told me that her husband happens to be close friends with two of his supervisors.. I told H that I wasn't entirely sure I believed the story a couple of weeks ago. I do believe that's what she told him though and that he was being honest with me about it.. just not necessarily that she's being honest with him.

I think what I meant by exaggeration was that what he tells her is an exaggeration of the truth or at least only the dark side.. as well as probably what she's telling him.

You're getting good advice. Expose to the OW's husband. Don't confront the OW.

One thing you MUST get... WS lie. Do not rely on your WS to be truthful with you, and especially don't rely on anything the OW says. Find out the truth for yourself.

Read up on everything on this site. There are a lot of people here that have walked in your shoes and that can advise you how to devise a plan using MB methods.

Put your learning cap on and start working on things.

This is at the very least an emotional affair which if left to go will become a physical affair and either way will destroy your marriage.

You need to expose to the OWH. You may need to expose at their work too.

Your H and OW need to come to a condition of no contact for life.

Does your H deny any wrong doing? Is he in the "Just Friends" mode?

Do you have any evidence or records documenting the A?

oh I TOTALLY get that he lies.. but I can tell when he's lying and when he's not..
he's lied about her.. absolutely, just I don't think he lied about her telling him she was married/in the process of divorcing.

at first he said they were just friends, but now he doesn't say that. he won't come out and say it's more than that, but we both know the truth there. I saw a card from her that said "I love you".. phone bills of hundreds of phone calls/text messages to her..

unfortunately they do work together somewhat.. and without giving too much detail, it would be impossible for them to NOT have any contact..

and I don't know if telling her H would be a good idea either.. because that could very well mean ruining my H's career.. and it's the sort that word travels fast.

Go back up to Longhorn's post and click on his links:

How To Organize A Marital Recovery Plan
Spying 101
Exposure 101"

You need to start there and figure out why we're telling you to expose.

foolmetwice, I think this is probably further along than you know.

When did this start?

If the affair continues your marriage will end or you will learn to live in a hollow ugly marriage of three people.

Exposure kills affairs.
No Contact for Life is required to keep it dead.

If you ultimately can't do those things you will have the best seat in the house to watch the end of your marriage.

This will have to change if you want your marriage to recover. If there were ONE thing I could redo in my situation, it would be that upon finding out, I would have insisted that if one of the infidels didn't change jobs, I would file for divorce.

You will hear the same from everyone on this board--they can't continue to work with one another. Our "professional" counselors (both our MC and her IC) told us otherwise--she's got a good job, this is the real world, it's not always realistic, only professional contact, bla bla bla. EA continued, PA resumed, the lying, etc. I learned the hard way, and it cost me a year of my life. Don't make the same mistake.

The others are right, you should go and tell her husband about the affair. You will also need to tell their employer. Your H cannot continue to work with her if your marriage is to recover. Exposure of the affair to the spouse and the employer will ruin the affair.

Secondly, most wayward WIVES LIE about supposed "abuse" at home and most waywards lie about their spouses. This is a cheesy attempt to justify the unjustifiable. To a nutball, the logic goes like this: my H mistreats me therefore I am ENTITLED to act like an alley cat in heat. I have never understood how that logic works exactly, but it is CLASSIC.

My other regret is that the OMW didn't tell me when she found out about the affair. I think that if we had both been addressing it at the same time, we might have had success. And ultimately it cost my wife her job anyway.

Expose, expose, expose.

Just out of curiosity, what's up with your screen name? Has this happened before?

Sorry you're here.

foolmetwice: I am sorry you had to come here but you are in a good place with lots of helpful people.

I am rather new here but this is what other experienced people have told me:
You should definitely expose to OWH and also at their workplace. Exposure is one of your strongest weapons to put an end to the affair. Just consider the consequences of exposing/not exposing. If you expose, your WH will be angry and OWH will be angry with OW but that will pass. It may possibly be negative for their employment situation but what is more important, WH job or your marriage? If you don't expose the affair is less likely to end and it will eventually destroy your marriage. What good will it then do that you avoided making your WH angry and he can keep his job?

Make a list of all persons to expose to. The list should include everyone who can have any influence on WH, ie his family, his friends, management and co-workers at their workplace. I am not sure if you should expose to OWs family and friends or just to OWH and let him do the rest. Expose to everyone on the list as soon as possible. Tell them that there is an affair and that you want your WH to end the affair and save your marriage. Don't get overly emotional but let them know that you are hurt.

Your WH will be furious after you have exposed. Don't let it get to you, just be calm and tell him that you want to save your marriage.

There must be NC for life between your WH and OW after the affair has ended. If they are in the same workplace either of them must get away from there, quitting their job or relocating. People here have been adviced to move across the country to achieve NC. This is serious and the same argument is valid here: What is more important, your marriage or your WH carrier goals?

FM2,

Definitely expose!!!! I just exposed to the OMW on 7/5/2007. It was extremely stressful and I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I was exposing an A that happened a few years ago, but which my wife and I are attempting to work through now.

They still have contact through work and I wanted that contact to stop. I need OMW to help ensure that. Secondly, she just deserved to know the truth. her marriage is in trouble and she may not have known it.

OMW suspected but never knew for sure. It was a huge mistake to not expose back then. Both of our marriages have been pretty bad since the A as nothing was ever resolved or worked on. Dont put yourself through what I went through. It has been a horrible period of my life and it should never have lasted this long. My inactivity allowed this to happen.

My wife is now looking for new employment to avoid contact. One of two in your situation will have to do the same thing. there is no other way.