Here is an issue I am wondering about...

My WH left one and half weeks ago to move in with the OMW in her apartment-taking all his personal belongings with him. Because he is so foggy and guilt ridden, he has no desire to contact me. Which is fine for now because I am going into Plan B in the next two weeks since he decided to move in with her.

I notice that for many others here, the WS's relationship with their children is a "tie that binds"--that is, it provides some reason for the BS and WS to have some contact with each other and that often the WS will use some activity or whatever that involves the children as a way to step slowly back towards their family. In fact, this is the path that the OMW will be heading down soon (her youngest son has a birthday this month and she will see him and her BH at his party. Not saying it is the first step towards reconciliation but she will have to be there in the family environment). And there will be other occassions like that for the rest of year, especially when school starts again.

My concern is that since it is just he and I, once his A has imploded he will just disappear rather than try and reach out to me since he figures there is no way back (despite what I have tried to tell him and show him).

Is there anyone out there in a similar sitch who has made it work?

Put a call out to Jim. JMWC95.

I think his sitch was similar.

It doesn't matter... he's had a life with you, and it will be the life he wants to return to after his OW fantasy bubble bursts.

Have you written your Plan B letter yet? If you write it from the heart... letting him know how much you love him and want the M to work but keeping your boundaries firmly in place... he should know that he can return to you once his bulls#$t A is over. Right now he is unable to see how much you love him and want your M to work because he is all fogged out.

Becoming a new "parent" to OW's children is going to burst his love bubble fast. It might actually be beneficial that you haven't had kids yet.

smartiepants,

We don't have kids either, and I'm certainly not far along this road to give you any solid answers. I'm only 5 days into NC.

Search the archives (or my recent posts, there's a link somewhere) to Trueheart's letter. It got to my FWH, though if he's completely foggy it might not matter. I agree that OW's kids will be a stress factor that will bug him-- and he will see the peace of being with you in a new light, once he gets over being her Knight in Shining Armor, and how much she NEEDS him b/c she's a single mom. puke.

I definitely think her kids will be one stress factor (the other will be money). OMW has three sons -- 18, 15, and 13. The older two hate my WH and will have nothing to do with their mother until she comes back to the family. I think she still tries to maintain some relationship with the youngest, hence the birthday party.

Another interesting factoid--she wants to have more children with WH and he (according to what he tells me anyway) is adamant that he does not want kids. He says it is because he does not trust himself to do what is right in relationships after the A, but IMO is he does not want kids because he knows he drops to second place in terms of affection and attention. He used to be jealous that I showed more affection to our doggies than to him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Sounds to me like you need to let go of this man. You're abusing yourself to take him back.

Believe me, the single world isn't so bad. Let him go. Count your blessings you don't have children and be grateful that you can move on baggage free into a new relationship.

The kids will always be a huge source of stress, especially at their ages. They have the power to express opinions.

My father married OW. We were 30, 27, and 20. My sis and I never spoke to her and refused to visit him if she was around. My brother did visit, but his words to her were anything but kind.

It fissled, partly because of our silent rejection. He asked us if we would ever change or feel different and the answer was "absolutely not. That woman will never be welcome in my home or around me."

That takes its toll.

My father is still a mess. He's going on his third divorce and I know he really regrets what he did to our family. He's a good surgeon, but a terrible husband.

Cheaters don't change. Your H sounds like a man with attention and affection and self esteem issues. Jealousy over affection to dogs is a huge red flag and a sign that the last thing you want is kids with someone that selfish.

Trust me, I married someone who similarly craves constant attention and has self esteem problems. She's doomed to repeat mistakes.

I'm happy being alone and enjoy dating many different types of women and I'm a father of 3.

The single life isn't so bad once you become comfortable being alone.

Good luck and let him go!

brokendreams

I see a lot of wisdom in your advice. Many of my friends and his and my family have given me the same advice. I knew my WH had self esteem problems, but it wasn't until after d-day when we started sorting through all the mess that I realized how deep his lack of self esteem was. He all but said that one of the reasons he fell in love with OMW was because she constantly bolstered him. He really needs constant reassurance about his value and worth. In one of our conversations before he moved out, I told him one of the biggest lesson I'd learned in this was that I spent years in this R trying to make him happy, and I felt like a failure because he was never happy. The thing was, I finally got it through my head that the only person who could ensure happiness for him was himself.

I don't think he liked that comment very much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I am not afraid of the single life--in some ways I'm looking forward to it once I've had sufficient time to heal! But I need to be able to look at myself at the end and know I gave my M every chance to be saved before I let go. If I leave the M, I want to leave with a clear as conscience as possible.

I don't know if that makes any sense...

Some do... I did.

SP, what's going on with your Plan B letter?

Katie Mae

I am focusing on one thing at a time. Right now, it is getting him to sign off on the SA. Waiting to have that finalized has me on pins and needles!

As soon as SA is done, I'm writing Plan B letter (I've already looked at some of the sample ones posted and I've picked the one I think fits my situation the best.) I'll be sure to post it for feedback from the experts!

was that his PERCEPTION or was it reality??? If it was reality, then I can understand his being upset...if it is just a perception born out of a need to control and always be the center of everyones attention or storm, then it is a big problem.

It sounds to me like your H has a lot of growing up to do.

MEDC

To be truthful, it was both. I would often play and smooch and talk "silly talk" (like people to babies/young children--no offense to those who are not into pets!) And my WH also has a very high need for admiration and affection.

When I finally got how important those ENs were for him, I really made an conscious effort to fill them in Plan A. And he appreciated it--just not enough to keep him from going back to OMW.

But in that sense, I have grown. See before I did not put much value on affection and admiration (except with the dogs--haven't figured that out yet!) b/c we did not interact that way in my family--lots of affection and admiration was not high in my family's love languages.

My WH's family experience was just the opposite--his family loves to kiss, hug and touch all the time. It used to make me uncomfortable, but since I've been working on myself and understanding the importance of the different ENs--not just in a M, but all close relationships as appropriate IMO--I find it comes a little more naturally to me.

Maybe there's some hope for me yet...