Be honest with him... Tell him it's just too painful for you to have any contact with him whatsoever.

Good luck!

knitgirl,

When you think of your WH, I want you to envision a drug addict. A drug addict strongly craves his/her drug and will do ANYTHING to keep their drug. They will lie to their own families. They will steal from those they love. They will put their loved ones at risk. They will even blame their loved ones for their bad behaviors! You know what I mean, right? They'd steal their mom's engagement ring to pawn it to buy some more of their drug. Right?

It's the same with you WH and the A. He is addicted. Thhe chemicals released in the brain during an A (because it's about 90% fantasy) are very similar to the endorphins a drug addict gets when they take their drug. He will do ANYTHING to continue his addiction, including lying to you, hiding it better, AND BLAMING YOU FOR THE VERY THINGS THAT HE DOES!! He will guilt you and make you second-guess yourself as a smokescreen, so that while you are thinking, "Oh man! Was it me? Maybe it is my fault" he can be continuing contact with the OW.

Go to Plan B. NO CONTACT!! None. He had the chance to choose you or choose "her" but he chose to try to have you both. Now he gets to live with the consequences of his choice, and all his blame is just his ways of saying, "I DON'T LIKE THIS COST! IT HURTS!" It is the most loving thing you can do for him to allow him to experience this pain in order to learn a long-term, lifetime lesson: unfaithfulness is not worth it! So, if he calls to your store (and it's a retail store so I understand that you have to answer), just say, "I am not willing to speak to you at this time" and then HANG UP THAT PHONE. Don't listen to his ramblings. Don't listen to his yelling and blaming. Just ignore it and let it roll off you as if you are "babble-proof."

Here's what to expect:

HE will go nuts. He will try every way possible to draw you back in. He will call zillions of times a day in different ways and all your phones. He will email. He might even show up at your house! He will rage, rant, blame, babble and make it all be that YOU are choosing to "be this way". [Pssst. No, he chose it. You did Plan A for 5 months and at any time he could have chosen to end the A and do the work of reconciling. HE chose to "be this way." You just chose to accept his choice!] He will push all your buttons. He will throw out EVERY way that he knows of to make you react in love, hurt or anger. ANYTHING! His goal is to make you flinch in some way and pick up the phone and call him.

YOU will miss him horribly. You will remember the good times and minimize the bad. You will think of a thousand reasons why you "need" to call him: the lawn, the sink, the mower, the kids, the hot water heater, the car, the schedule, the bills...a million things that you "need" to ask him about or talk to him about or get his help on. RESIST!! Figure it all out on your own. Go 15 minutes at a time if you have to at first (I did!) Just tell yourself that you are going to wait 15 minutes and not call him...and then when that time is up, say, "I'll wait 15 minutes more." I did that for a couple days and then one day I found that I went part of a day and didn't even "need" to call him. Slowly, I could go whole days and not "need" to ask him about something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, knitgirl, NO CONTACT. Prepare for a barrage--not quite as bad as the exposure storm but similar--and remember that we are here for ya!!

Your faithful friend, and Mama Killer Bee



CJ

KG, can you ask that brother to be your intermediary? If he was supportive of you and against the A, he might be able to help if he's willing.

I'm sorry it's come to this for you - but it seems to me you're getting spot-on advice here.

He's trying to have his cake and eat it too - if OW is so wunnerful, why is he putting all this on you?

I've read tons of posts here and the script your WH is following seems exactly the same as every other WH.

My M didn't end over an A, but the script was similar too - all my fault, not his fault... it's a heck of a lot easier to blame somebody else than to look in the mirror, isn't it?

Plan B - save what bit of love bank deposits you have for your H and heal yourself... the long and short of it appears to be that it will either snap WH back to reality or prepare you for something better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In loving support

JinGA

FW- Wow, that makes so much sense. I'm in gear now, and understand what I need to do. He hasn't tried to contact me in 2 days now. I think OW is with him. Sometimes I'm not even sure why he is trying to hang on to me anyway. He's been travelling now for 3 years and seems to prefer his life on the road. He refuses to quit because we have bills to pay. I guess travelling enables this A to continue.

Jin - He is so mad that the brother lashed out at him that he said he would never talk to his brother again, so I doubt that he would communicate with him. They are not close anyway due to some family issues many years ago, therefor he may not be the best intermediary. We have very little family here except our daughter. Is it ever right to ask your child to play that role? When I won't communicate with him, he tends to call her alot. Always tells her he loves me, is not leaving me etc. I asked a good friend, but it seems some people are uncomfortable that you are putting them in the middle of a personal situation.

fantastic post seej. Copied to my personal toolkit.
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CJ,

I agree - fantastic post. BTW, I actually used your Sample Plan B letter linked at the bottom of your signature. It must be good because he didn't like it at all!!!

OK, NO CONTACT now firmly in place - still don't have an intermediary though. Four days so far. Can anyone chime in and tell me how long their Plan B lasted before WS decided to return (or not)? I think SAA says to give it 18months?? 18 days would be an eternity in this situation.

It is hard to predict how much time it will take, so don't think about it. Try to stay busy doing things to make your life better.

Some WS's come back quickly, and others take some time. My WH went 4 months without contacting me at all, and then called me at work one day and announced he was in the process of moving back home. Sadly, he still thought he could hang on the the OW, and we are now divorced.

In SAA, it says that most A's end within two years, but I don't know what BS can wait that long. He says give Plan B 18 months, but again, not sure how many of us can patiently wait.

What is it about a Plan B that makes the WS actually decide to come back to the M? Anybody have an opinion on that?? Is is that the A loses its spark when given an ultimatum, is it guilt, does reality sinks in, do they start to think logically about what they are giving up, what??

What it is....is reality. Until affair biochemistry wears off (which is the basis for that 18 months), and their is no more cake eating....the wayward cannot see past the fantasy he has created around the affair. Plan B, protects the love that is left by stopping all love busting from either side. In that way....with no withdrawals....the historical goodness of the marriage can raise the love bank account. Right now....he has the best of all worlds....Plan B ends that. Now, the OW.....will have to meet all of his needs, all of her flaws will become visible, and he will feel the IMPACT of the loss of the marriage for the first time. While he sits on the fence....he can go to her for newness and excitement....and go to you for the attachment and comfort. But as Plan B continues....the newness and excitement wear off. You can't maintain it....no one can.....and if you want to, you'd have to change partners every 2 years to get it!! So, before long.....the playing field will be even. He won't be "blinded" by his addiction any longer. It is at that point, that you will undoubtedly be more attractive.

But please....I caution you NOT to accept him back without clear measures of accountability. That whole "working out of town for three years"....it's crap....and it's a recipe for infidelity....over and over again. Be strong!! Be busy. Be confident. And stay DARK DARK dark.

Knitgirl

I'm pretty new to MB so I can't offer you much advice, but I am going into Plan B myself in one week (after getting SA signed) so I read your thread with interest.

My WH is living with OMW and even though Plan B has not officially started, he has started down the path of how the A was my fault and how cruel and unreasonable I am being because I did not allow him to take or see our dogs and other marital items to OMW's apartment.

I'm sure things will only escalate once he gets Plan B letter and I go dark--I think he is getting crappy advice and enabling from OMW and two of our(excuse me -- his!)friends and he is now listening to them.

Keep the faith and stay strong. These stories are such a help to me...

Plan B does multiple things, but its biggest component is protecting your willingness to reconcile. WS's are incredibly insensitive, self-centered, hurtful beings. They feel the hurt themselves but don't understand how it is self-inflicted and certainly don't want to accept responsibility, so they lash out at convenient targets (e.g., the BS). When you go dark, you protect yourself from all the Fog-induced crap that the WS spews.

If you didn't protect yourself from it, it would get to you. Some part of you would listen to it and wonder, and, since your love bank is almost certainly empty, they would be making deposits into your Anger Bank. Eventually, the Anger Bank fills up, and you can't take it anymore. You will either lovebust the WS (plan FU) or stop wanting them to return, and neither of those help marriage-building.

Plan B is a marathon, not a sprint. It's lots and lots of waiting and uncertainty. It's not easy, which is why many of the Plan B'ers band together for mutual support.

What *is* easy is falling off your Plan B. You'll be doing great, and then something will happen that triggers you, and you respond, and in a flash you find yourself lecturing the WS on just how badly they've screwed everything up or educating them on the effects of divorce or maybe just trying to reason with them again (I mean, they must be able to see the logic, right?). And almost always nothing good comes from this (you're talking to a fogged-out zombie who won't/can't hear you), and lots of harm can come (love-busting or just getting hurt yourself). Constant vigilance. Learn to recognize triggers and how to respond to them.

"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a Wayward Spouse" -- Mulan

Star*fish-

Thanks for your version of the explanation. You answered something for me that has had me stumped. Since being on this site, I've determined that my WH top ENs are SF and Admiration - something that I probably didn't give enough of. Heck, after 34 years of marriage you don't think that those things are big deals if they don't get done. You've been together so long that you don't even think about it. I figured that the OP has been meeting those needs, so I kept wondering why would he even hang on to me??? I think that you answered it for me - attachment and comfort. I guess that is what comes after 34 years, huh?? And your point about not being able to maintain the newness makes perfect sense. I hadn't thought about that.

Smartiepants - Good luck in your Plan B. Just be better prepared than I was. Don't answer that phone!! How long did you do Plan A?

SDguy - Yes, I believe that I may have been on my way to Plan FU (love the name). You're right, the old love bank hit an NSF check here recently and I had a semi-meltdown.
It looks to me like your Plan B started in Jan, right? How much longer are you giving it???? You've got to be wearing out at this point.

Knitgirl

I was in Plan A for 2 months. It was pretty good--very few LB's, tried to show him changes w/o pointing them out to him, tried to keep home and myself upbeat. He admitted the night before he moved into OMW's apartment that he had seen changes in me, that I been wonderful and it only killed him inside.

I know that it was not the recommended three months, but I cannot go any further. He was so awful that my love bank was emptying very quickly. I am hanging to last tiny remmants of love for him--Plan B is only thing that can preserve it if the M can be saved at all.

Smartie,

I did Plan A 6 months! I think that I lasted that long only because I thought that we were in recovery - twice! Silly girl me. I'm with you on the love bank thing. I was getting to that point too. My WH wasn't what I would call awful, but there was very little affection shown, no eye contact, no enthusiasm for anything etc. All the LB's...

Hang in there girlfriend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's the conflict from the WS as he starts to recognize a little bit what he will be giving up, but the addiction is still too strong for him to give up the affair. It's good that you Plan A'd him long enough for him to admit it. I'd say you are ready for Plan B. Both of you.

I get on rarely, so pardon if I'm not up to date on your sitch...

Change around your thoughts that Plan B is going to "work", that it is a scheme or a plan to get them to come back. Plan B is all about YOU baby!

Right now your WH is the enemy for the love you have. Every word he says, every time he tries to pull you back into the sick situation (and that's ALL that posturing has been, trying to pull you back to having BOTH of you) it burns more of your love away. Plan B is about protecting that love you still have. Holding on to it and not allowing his words to hurt it.

You have upset his little world where he had a wife and a girlfriend...for many people this is the ideal. Having two people lavish attention on them. You are telling him youi are not going to be a part of it anymore, and now he has to get all that attention from just ONE person (and he will be left wanting).

It is toughest at the beginning of Plan B. The chaos and drama has been such a big part of your life. The longer you stay out of it, the easier it becomes, and the more unhappy they become.

Careful, careful now, your WH is a tricky one, liable to say and do anything to keep you both hanging on. Do NOT accept anything less than a TOTAL denial of attention from the OW. If he makes moves to come back, ask for WHATEVER you want, if he balks, you know he is not serious.

SHMI

Very good point. I do need to change the way I'm looking at Plan B, and look at it as being about me. Already I do feel some relief along with the depression, if that makes sense. The feeling of being in limbo is the worst though.

It is tough. Every thought and plan you have regarding what to do or think, or trying to read their mind, takes you right back into the emotions and drama of the situation. This is what you have to protect yourself against. Your love for him is very fragile right now, like a weak nestling, and it can't take any bumping around. Often just the thoughts about the A and the words he's spewed so far (and will, with further contact right now) will jostle that little bird till there is so much trauma it may not be able to recover, that's when people get angry and give up.

He is using every nasty trick in the book to get to a place of stasis, probably the place he's lived, and been happy with, for the past year...where he has you at home, and her on trips... He wants that back (yuk). He will try guilt, anger, wooing, promises, etc...you name it... Something like a toddler that has his bottle taken away, will try crying, yelling, SCREAMING, pleading, giving up, banging their head, to get a reaction out of you, and get what they want back in their life.

Your Plan B is about you, getting away from the guilt, ugly words (that hopefully he will regret later), and false recoveries.

All Waywards regret their decisions someday, some are faster learner than others, some figure it out on their deathbed, but those are the rare. Plan B is about holding out until HE figures it out... What it ends up doing is often speeding up the process of reality, taking yourself out of the equation, helping him see the selfish life he will lead without you...

Take care of yourself, protect yourself from the storm of his wants...his babbling is not about you, but about him getting what HE wants...