Knitgirl- Brilliant words of wisdom here.

I speak as someone who DIDN'T do Plan B when I should have. I never fully understood the motivation of "self-preservation" behind doing it but totally understand now.

By remaining in the same house, my WW not ending her A, it absolutely sapped the love I had for her. LB in the extreme.

I feel wistful sometimes that it got to that point, but since I couldn't break the logjam with a Plan B, it precipitated my DV.

I don't regret it quite frankly because I realize know that WW is in fact a narcissistic personality who would not stop her behavior. I--and my kids--are going to be better off.

But if you still have those feelings of love and want to save them, Plan B is the way to go. It sounds counter-intuitive, just like exposing the affair sounds totally cruel and mean, but it all has a goal.

This may seem like the most stupid question, but Plan B is when the WH is living with the OW?

Do you get a legal separation at this point, how do you handle the finances?

Thank you, sorry to be so dense,

SG

Everybody's plan is different. Plan B comes after a very effective Plan A. Plan A is where you begin to repair your part of the breakdown of the marriage. You repair those DJ, LB's, etc. You show them what they *could* come back to. You expose the A, and you let them know you will not tolerate the OP in the marriage at ALL. Once you have established these things, and the A continues (which it very likely does) and you feel your love slipping away, you move to Plan B, preserving what love you have left.

Plan B can be conducted in the same house (although hard to do, controversial, and doesn't provide a shock) although the best way is when they move out.

Once they have moved out, you CAN continue a Plan A, especially if you have more love to give, and are not confident you have shown the best side of yourself...

SG,

Plan A is all about showing the WS what a marriage to the BS COULD be if they stay and commit to NC and begin working on recovery.

Plan B is designed to protect the BS from having to deal with a WS who continues in an active A, showing no signs of working on anything but their own selfish desires. It removes the BS from having to deal with the affair and the disrespect that comes with it in order to preserve their own sanity AND any love for the WS that might remain so that IF and WHEN the A finally ends, reconciliation might be possible.

While the LSA is not really a part of Plan B, it is often required, especially when the WS is the primary bread winner of the family and when kids are involved. It places a legal obligation for financial support on the WS and protects the shared assets of the marriage from being stripped by a WS who is acting in a clearly selfish manner.

Plan B sometimes causes the demise of the affair by forcing the OP to have to meet all of the ENs of the WS, even the ones previously being met by the BS. This however is NOT the intent. It is designed to stop the pain while waiting for the affair to die of its own accord.

Generally speaking, the affair either ends early on in Plan A or has to die on it's own. Plan B can sometimes hasten its death, but it is really about getting away and beginning personal recovery for the BS while giving the affair time to die of its own weight and allowing for a way for the WS to actively pursue reconciliation under conditions set by the BS in the beginning of Plan B.

Plan B also allows the BS to get over the grieving process, make changes to their own life that will assist him/her in moving on if it comes to divorce and lets him/her do so without having to experience the trauma on a daily basis.

Mark

SG - I'm struggling with those questions too. I'm in the process of working with an attorney for a LSA to ensure that I continue to have my bills paid (I can't cover them all myself), and also because my WH has run up over 12K in CC bills over this A. She has no money and a gambling problem, so I know who is picking up the bills for expenses when she travels with him (and that would be my WH using marital funds).

SG,

While the LSA is not really a part of Plan B, it is often required, especially when the WS is the primary bread winner of the family and when kids are involved. It places a legal obligation for financial support on the WS and protects the shared assets of the marriage from being stripped by a WS who is acting in a clearly selfish manner.


Mark--

I have a question now b/c my sitch is a little different. In my M, I am the primary breadwinner. I am giving my WH a LSA this week because he and OMW will soon have a drastic reduction in their lifestyle and I want to protect my financial interests from them (particularly keeping the home). My concern is they will try to come after my assets when they start to get desparate monetarily. (When I say desparate, I mean they will be able to eat, live in her crummy apartment and pay their car notes--but they will not be able to go out to eat or enjoy other forms of entertainment, go on vacation or travel, have a decent home, save for retirement, or entertain friends--things they were able to do when they were in their marriages and before d-day. And my WH and his OWM LIKE their creature comforts!!!)

SP2,

If your question is are you doing the right thing, the answer is YES!

If your question is regarding how to accomplish what you seek, I have no idea since I am not an attorney and don't even play one on TV.

I think protecting the marital home is important for a variety of reasons. One that comes to mind of course is so that YOU don't lose it to foreclosure, but another is that if your goal is to eventually recover your marriage, it gives a safe landing place for the WS to return to when the fantasy bubble finally bursts and he is ready to meet your requirements to end Plan B.

Another reason to seek the LSA would be if your plans include pursuing a divorce, it is a needed first step and will start the ball rolling in that direction.

Legally your WH may have a right to 50% of the equity of the home if his name is on the deed as co-owner. Be sure your lawyer considers all the options up front, because you could end up losing the house in order to split the assets in a divorce.

Mark

Mark

My question was if I was doing the right thing. Thanks for the feedback!

Also, the LSA will keep you from being responsible for any debt that they run up trying to maintain the lifestyle. Once it's in place, you aren't responsible anymore. My WH has run up huge CC debt spending on the OP, and I don't want to incur anymore.

[color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

OK, been almost a week now and he has not tried anymore contact. Depression starting to set in, but I think my AD are starting to help otherwise I may be lower than I am. At least they help me sleep.


Right now I feel like just ending the whole thing and going to Plan D and getting on with my life. After 34 years, if I have to go through all of this just to keep my spouse, well, what kind of a marriage is that anyway? If I have to force him to choose me, then maybe we aren't right for each other after all. Has anybody else had these questions at this stage?? I guess you just start to wonder if its all worth it. Maybe this is normal, I don't know....

Only every day.

Especially at this stage. You have your own withdrawal period, and it's worst for the first week. Things will gradually get better, but it's still a roller coaster.

Stick with the meds. Taking care of yourself (eating, sleeping, having some fun) is very important, but it's hard to do when you're depressed.

Yes, yes, all that and more...you will continue to think what ifs...but really these are just guesses, and mind-reading, and takes you back there. I've heard some folks keep a Plan B journal...keep track of your thoughts and feelings...so WHEN recovery happens, you can share this part of your life with your S...this history they missed because they were in their own world (thinking about you...)

Thanks SD and SMI. Remember when you were a kid and they were choosing members for the team, and you stood there with your hand waving saying "choose me, choose me" and you knew all along that you would be the last to go because you were the worst player? Well that's how I feel right now.

Here I am, a successful business person with an MBA, good personality (or so I'm told), not an ugly duckling (I'm 52 but people guess me at 40ish most of the time), intelligent and outgoing - but I feel like a big, insignificant nobody. I'm here chanting "pick me! pick me!" - I need to work on getting my self esteem back somehow.

All righty then,,,,thanks for allowing me the pity party. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and get a freakin' life!

Yeah, that's a pretty typical one, and moreso for women, I think.

So, I've only read what's posted in this thread, but I'll take a stab at this--the affair was not about you, especially if his affair is a romantic affair. There's a good thread around here about romantic affairs that I'll try to dig up for you.

You're not broken--he is.

SD-
Yes, I would appreciate it if you could find that thread. Wondering why a "romantic" affair is different from others.

Years ago there were many posters who were finding a similarity between their WS's and found they were wandering with someone who was 'less than' the BS. The thought was, it is the WS that has the low self-esteem and was going for someone they could feel 'better' than. How about THOSE apples?

Well, I feel that my WH did affair down. I feel really bad saying that because it sounds so snobbish and conceited. It's just that she has failed marriages, financial troubles, and addictions in her past. I can proudly say that I don't have those things, but I probably have other "issues" that she doesn't have maybe? Who knows.

I bumped the threads for you. Lots of information in there about romantic affairs. My take is that romantic affairs are different from exit affairs and philandering affairs (both of which are situations where saving the marriage may not be worth it) and are what we typically deal with here. Dramatic change in personality for the wayward, addictive behavior, all that stuff.

SD,

I hate to be dumb, but I can't find them. How do I get to them???