Nevermind - I see them now.... Sorry, brain f**t

What's an exit affair and why is not worth saving?

HWW

Again, this is just my take. Exit affairs occur in bad marriages when things deteriorate so much that someone has already projected themself out of the marriage and starts up with someone else before it's done. "This sucks. I'm finished with this marriage. I know that I don't want to be with this person, so I'm going to get out. Hey, what's over here?" They're so unhappy that they just don't care about whether it's right or wrong.

As opposed to "Hey, what's over here? Wow, this new person makes me feel great. My old marriage must have really sucked, otherwise I wouldn't feel so good now, right? It must have been over. Yeah, I'm sure of it. What I'm doing isn't wrong." which is the romantic affair. People wake up from romantic affairs and wonder what the ****** they were thinking while they were wayward. Romantic affairs occur more often in good marriages than bad ones.

People in romantic affairs probably want to believe that they are in exit affairs, but most often they are deluding themselves.

In an exit affair, there may be good reasons why the WS and BS are incompatible, thus my comment that the marriage *may* not be worth saving. If I could believe that my WW were in an exit affair (as opposed to romantic), I would have thrown in the towel some time ago.

I'm not sure whether this makes sense to anyone other than me. Let me know.

SDG

don't feel bad about speaking the truth

he DID trade down

it's just a fact

SDG

I tend to agree with your analysis. In my sitch, I think my WH is having a romantic affair, but the OMW is having an exit affair. The reason I say this is because OMW has been adamant since she moved out of her marital home that she had no intention of returning to her marriage--her only long-term goal was to re-connect with her children once the marriage was dissolved. She is not fence-sitting or cake-eating at all! My WH is taking the more typical fence sitting/cake-eating approach.

Thanks Pep. I needed that ego boost in the worst way. Some days are worse than others.....

Well, I got a very nasty email today telling me that he had no plans with OW or anyone else (in all caps), that I made a mistake by doing this (Plan B), that I was the one who wanted this separation, that he didn't want me to do anything for him, and that no one asked me to take care of the house (what am I supposed to do, I live here). Ugly, ugly. Are we sure that this is the way Plan B is supposed to go? Do they always lash out like that?? I'm worried that he's going to cut me off financially, and I can't really support myself at this time. Yikes. I didn't think it would go over like this.

CJ,

I went back and read your post, and damn, it's just as you said it would be. You go girl!! You were so right-on about this.

Have you secured your finances?

I told ya ... that step is before Plan B....

Your WH is blowing smoke up your wazoo.... he's playing the "fear" card .... hoping to fighten you ...

ignore

IGNORE

do NOT respond

keep records of ALL his threats

be silent ~~~> it bothers him you don't want to be his faithful "buddy" while he's off "doing" someone

NO RESPONSE

OK?

Yep, I got it - no response. I did go to an atty, but we didn't do an LSA because WH was not hostile, and was paying bills etc. Looks like he is now getting hostile. If you are in Plan B, should you let the atty do all of the contact? Atty recommended that if I want an LSA that I should contact WH and work out the division of assets etc., but I'm trying to remain dark. Anybody been through the LSA while on planB???

Be sure you are protected financially. But since you are early in Plan B, he is just blowing smoke. Chances are good that he will test your Plan B, so be sure to go very dark. Don't let him get ANY of his needs met through you. Let OW start meeting them all.

Thanks Believer. They sure do manage to put a guilt trip on you though. It's hard not to go to PlanFU when you're getting this much hostile feedback....

He's an insane Alien. He has nothing useful to say, so don't listen to him. And don't try to reason with him.

Dark, dark, dark.

SD,

Isn't that the truth?

Question - Is there anyone on the site who had a successful Plan B where WS returned and recovery was successful? It seems that the posts I've read where Plan B is active finds most engaged in legal separations or D proceedings. Just curious - also trying to keep the faith so that I don't give up. This sure is hard....

Mimi, Mortarman, MyWifeILove are a few. Maybe someone else can mention some more. I certainly can use all the inspiration I can get.

You and me both, SD. Today (somewhere here) I read Lori's Plan A (I think it was Lori) and I wondered if maybe I didn't do as good of a job in Plan A as I should have. My personality is such that I just don't have that kind of patience though. My self esteem was going down the tubes and I was getting resentful.

Is it ever OK to switch back to Plan A if you think that you can do a better job? If I did that now, I fear WH would think that I was willing to live with his A, which I'm not. Just a thought...

You Plan A'd for over FIVE MONTHS, please do not start questioning yourself because your WH is having a temper tantrum!!!

STAY DARK!
You are dangerously coming close to falling for the trap of FEAR. Do not take a step back-- you will ONLY PROLONG the affair!

Thanks for the wake up Mojo. And you are right, Fear is overtaking me right now. That's why I need you all to keep telling me that I'm doing the right thing. Questions, questions, questions - floating through my head - did I Plan A long enough, I know I had some LB's during Plan A so did they hurt me, does he hate me now, does he think that I don't love him anymore, and on, and on, and on....I want them to go away but they won't. I HATE this feeling!

Knitgirl, you stay put safe and sound in Plan B. Come here and post every hour if you're tempted to talk to WH. DON'T YOU CONTACT HIM!!! He's giving you guilt etc. because he's mad that you didn't just roll over and let him have a girlfriend while he's married to you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

He is going to try EVERY trick, remember??

He is going to put EVERY button, remember?

You are going to think, "Maybe if I had done this or that, he'd come back" or "I need to call him about the XYZ bill because he has to pay it." Remember??

You can do it, knitgirl!!! This is according to plan. You're doing a good job!! He doesn't hate you. If he did, he wouldn't give a rip if you went into Plan B or not. Rather, he sort of still likes you and what you can provide, and he likes OW and the infatuation/fantasy he thinks she can provide. He's just mad because he thought you'd say, "I'm so glad you're finally happy and in love. Sure, go ahead and have a girlfriend and I'll be right here to fall back on if you need me. I don't mind just waiting around for you because you are SUCH a neat person! You keep the house, the kids, and all my money and all her money...okay?" It is beginning to dawn on him that it WON"T be a lovefest! It is beginning to dawn on him that this is going to COST him and HURT him...and he doesn't like that. It is beginning to dawn on him that he is going to lose some things that are precious to him, and in exchange for what? OW isn't all that perfect.

The trouble now is that he has to admit that to himself. Every time you contact him IN ANY WAY, he has his crutch and doesn't have to face himself cuz he can blame you. But if you do not contact him, and his life is still a mess or even worse, he has not one he can blame but himself and eventually he'll have to face himself! It may take a while--many WS's are VERY stubborn--but the less you contact him the better it is for HIM and the better it is for you to be living in peace.

Stay strong!!!


--CJ

Thanks CJ. Don't know if you read my post to you yesterday or not - but you were right-on about his reaction. Good call by you. And deep down I think that I know this is what to expect, but there are still those little demons lurking around in my brain causing me to second guess myself.

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I almost called him tonight. Now I feel so much better and reassured that I'm going to take my AD and go to bed with my two dogs. We all sleep well together, although they don't give me much room to move.