Oh, we have had lots of Plan B successes, so don't worry about that. I'll make a list of the names sometime. It is very long. But often they stop posting and are working on their marriage.

Another problem is for those who live in states that allow a quick divorce - like Idaho. It is something like 6 weeks or less. That is problematic for the MB plan. If Plan A is done for several months, and the divorce has been filed, time runs out, and the couple is divorced before there is time to work the plans.

There there is also a large number of BS's who decide to throw in the towel after they get into a Plan B. I think men especially tend to meet someone and move on.

Your husband is used to having you beg for his attention. How do I know this? His tantrum at the beginning of your Plan B - then his silence for several days, thinking he could out-last you on the silence, and you'd be begging for contact again... only to have you mean what you say... so now he's screaming again....

Stay dark. Let your letter show that you really mean what you say.

Believer,
Yes, would love to see the list. It's good to know that there are that many out there. Not sure about my state and how long a D would take, but I suspect it is a lot longer than 6 weeks - just judging from others that I know who have been thru it.

KA - I think you are right. Turning into a test of wills I guess. I will out last though!!!! I will.

Your Plan A was not perfect
it was flawed

just like everyone else's Plan A !

If you stop Plan B now, your WH will know you do not keep your word, you have no boundaries, he can bully you like a 3-year-old having a temper tantrum in the store until you buy him a toy to get him to stop misbehaving

do NOT make yourself a liar

there is already one liar in your marriage

your M does not need another liar

be a woman who keeps her word
even when doing so is difficult

you mentioned a diminished self-esteem ~~~> guess what giving into your fear will do to your self-respect ???

show yourself RESPECT and your self-esteem will follow along

lowering yourself in order to be hurt by a bastherd <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> alien will not create more self-respect/self-esteem

next time you are tempted to talk about "self-esteem" .... change it to "self-respect" .... use that term .... it will make you stronger .... and being stronger will raise your self-respect-esteem

Your Plan B homework for today is:

list 5 things that you will do this week to show self-respect

then do them

The Mama Killer Bee CJ will assign the next homework assignment

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

and what the demons say to you is a lie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

the demons tell you that you can MAKE your husband change if you do ~this or that differently~

and that is a LIE

you must change yourself

YES!

YOU need to change <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

the demons are liars, don't listen to them .... they are telling you that you have the power to fix WH ....

you do NOT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

KG:

To answer your question from the other thread:

Knit:

I never left.

I was a cake-eating WS. BS didn't even know about the A for the first 3.5 years. and afriad to confront for the last year.

Check this thread: Its Curtains for LG

It gives you the overview of my dday.

LG

Knit:

It's time for your WH to wear his "big boy boxers"

face the discordant music of his choices and experience uncomfortable consequences

if OW is sooooooooo darned "wunnerfull"

then why, oh why, is is in a panic when he can't have HIS WIFE whenever he wants to???

Be absent from his mess....

A B S E N T

otherwise, you are allowing him to hurt you at will

DISallow him to hurt you

CJ Mama Bee will be checking your homework !

get cracking ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PS

Knit girl

do you know how to tell when your WH is lying???

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

his lips are moving

Pepper,

OK, so you made me laugh which was a good thing. It's 4:40pm here, and it's just about that time of day where the AD wears off and I start to get depressed. About then I need to log on here and start reading posts so that I can lift my spirits somewhat before I go home to the empty house! Thanks so much. Honestly, if I hadn't found this site and all of the encouragement, I would really be in bad shape. Everyone here gives me the courage to keep going and knowing that I'm doing the right thing. Also, that this wasn't my fault....

Hey Knitgirl,

Well, I was in Plan B for nearly 9 months (with a one month false recovery in there to BOOT). I did not do a stellar Plan B, and I have wondered if that is why the A lasted so long (from September to May). This was his second PA. PWC (my FWH) returned home May 5th. It's been two months and we are just really getting into working on the M. He's still there, he's being honest and open, so I'm gonna keep working.

I don't think anybody does a perfect Plan A, as there is no such thing as perfection, AND you are learning as you are trying to hit a groove, that lends itself to mistakes. Just stick to the darkness. Work on you, your interests, things you've always wanted to get into.

Your WH's reaction sounds pretty typical, so don't worry over that. In fact, don't worry about him at all. If you can get the LSA, to secure finances, I would go for it. It is important that you make it obvious that this is for finances only, not that you are filing for a D. My FWH ASSUMED that I was going to file because I was ironing out the details of a D, prior to filing.

Just keep swimming...

SilentL,

I was afraid that he would take the LSA as a D. My atty said that he could come back with a D. I was somewhat afraid to provoke him. I know that I have to do it though because we can't afford to run up any additional debt "impressing" OW.

I took my daughter to dinner tonight, and she said that he told her that he thought that I as having an A with an older friend of my daughter's!! Can you believe that?
I broke down crying in the middle of the restaurant. Is this more wayward bull$%#& or what? DD25 thinks he is a d-head.

So knitgirl....

Did you do Pep's homework? Did you make a list of five things you're going to do this week to show self-respect?

That's a good homework assignment! In the spirit of doing this together, here are the five things I'm going to do this week to show self-respect:

1. I'm going to take time to do a blog/journal every day this week--even if it's just a short time for me.

2. I'm going to speak up about one thing that is bothering me...just one. I'm going to be brave, and use the W-T-F-S format: "WHEN you (do this or that)--I THINK (I'm unappreciated)--I FEEL (sad and lonely)--SO I would like to request (that we do this instead)." This is assertive and transparently honest, but not blaming or DJ.

3. I'm going to read my Bible every day at the beginning of the day.

4. I'm going to fix my shirt that has a tear in it, because that little tear bothers me. It's weird to be bothered by a tear, but I am.

5. I'm going to have one, frilly, girly bubble bath with candles, bath oil and scented soap because I deserve it.


Now...knitgirl...what are YOUR five things that you are going to do this week for self respect? I'm going to tell you how *I* did every day on my five things, and I will expect the same from you. We are going to swim this TOGETHER!

Your Mama Killer Bee,



CJ

CJ,

Yes, I've been thinking about this and have come up with the following:

I need to make a better environment for myself. So...

1. Getting up tomorrow morning to clean the house and make it [censored] and span. My heart hasn't been in it lately, but that needs to change. I'm going to shovel the dust out and make this baby shine. I'm in it alone, but I'm going to make it the most pleasant place to come home to. I will feel good and clean.

2. We have a new market (like a Whole Foods) and I am going to go there and get a whole bunch of colorful, fresh foods to cook, and I am going to fill my empty fridge. Instead of eating restaurant leftovers each nite, I'm going to cook a nice, very fresh meal, set the table with my finest china and silver, get some beautiful fresh flowers and dine alone. I will enjoy my own company.

3. I'm going to give my dogs a bath (I've neglected them and they have been so there for me). They will respect me.

4. I'm going to go at least 2 days this week without crying over this. Aiming for an additional goal of one more day every week. That means in one more month, the crying will be over. No more headaches. I will look better.

5.I haven't been a very religous person for most of my life, but I'm going to say a special prayer each evening. It's never to late to start. I need a faithlift more than a facelift right now. Facelift can come later. I will be at peace.

That's my plan. I will check in everyday and let you know how I've done. Thank you for your kindness. That alone brings tears to my eyes. Complete strangers seem to care about me more than the person to whom I've been married more than 34 years.

OK, so 10 days in and WH has not tried more contact. We aren't formally separated, but since he travels full time, he is just staying away totally. I'm sure OP is now travelling with him, which hurts.

My terms were quit job and come home permanently, which he refuses to do. Whether he continues the A or not, a marriage can't survive with 100% travel.

Very lonely in this large house. The house if for sale because we wanted to move anyway, but we've had no activity on it. It's sale will force a decision for both of us I guess.....


CJ - Step one is done and house is clean. It does feel better but still lonely. Am not able to keep tears away today, so will now go up to bed and let it all out....

I wrote back on your other thread; it is withdrawal that you suffer, and it will come and go, but you will be okay.

Thanks SL. I started reading your thread.

Hang in there. As you do more and more things for yourself, your self esteem will come out of the toilet. Cleaning is good therapy. My home never looked as good as after D-Day. I cleaned it sparkling clean, rearranged everything, organized, made a garden, painted, exercised, started my own business, detailed the car, and went out with friends. It kept my mind off the infidels, and made me feel GOOD.

Thanks Believer. You have been such an inspiration for me since your age and sitch are so similar to mine. I think that part of my problem is that I'm frightened because I also started my own business and I just don't make enough to support myself. If this goes to D and I don't get any spousal support, I may be hurting. I don't want to be headed to 60 yrs old with no income. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You will do just fine. I doubt that it will go to divorce. But in the worse case, you won't have a problem finding someone else. There are men all over the place. I know you want your hubby, but don't be afraid.

I'm older than you, and poorer too, and not much to look at. But I've been fighting off the men. They just keep turning up. It's not like the old days when women over 50 were alone for life. Now days there are so many singles that it's no problem.

So put your fears aside and know that you will be just fine. And the odds are in your favor of him returning to the marriage.

My WH had a 4 year affair and it ended. OW is back with her husband, and my ex is ALONE and MISERABLE.

I hope that I can meet you someday. You are a very cool person. Were you M as long as I was (34yrs)? Would you ever take the X back? Did he want to come back? Just curious. And you are right - 50 is the new 40 (or so I keep telling myself). Do you read MORE Magazine? I highly recommend it.....