You probably need to go to some sort of support group to get through this too.

How long has she been acting out?

It's been about 3 years now. Somehow, she managed to get her Bachelor's Degree through all of this. Just can't seem to get through the addiction issues.

Good for her! Just be sure you are not enabling her in any way.

So have you thought of something else to contact your husband about?

knitgirl;

there is a great support board called conductdisorders.com.
it is also more geared towards kids/teens, but I would think you could find some other links and info on dealing with bi-polar, addictions, etc.

best of luck on that.

Thanks Lex and Believer for the help with finding support for my daughter. There's a good person in there somwhere, and we just need to get her back.

I had my session with Jennifer tonight, and she was wonderful. Because of my circumstances and my screwed up Plan B, she suggested that I write one more letter before going dark. She told me the points that I should make, and how to say it. She is going to review it tomorrow, so hopefully I can send it then. If he doesn't respond, then I go dark. At least we decided there is some hope here.

Glad to hear it went well, KG. Keep us posted.

OK guys, I’ve been gone for over a week but I wanted to let everyone know what is going on in hopes that it might help all of us. I thought about starting a new thread, but didn’t want to get too many going, so I’ll continue with this one.

As you know, I totally screwed up my first Plan B. WH and I didn’t talk for about two weeks. He came home last week to pick up his mail (he travels every week) and left again. Very tense while he was here and not much conversation. He says “You made a mistake, it’s over with her.” I bet. Next day I go down the tubes to the depths of depression (don’t you just hate this roller coaster ride?).

I decide to call Jennifer. I tell her my story. Just to refresh your memories it’s this – WH has A with OP while travelling on a long term assignment. For 5 months, I thought we were in recovery only to have 2nd dday. During the 5 months, I think I did a pretty good Plan A. A few DJ’s here and there, but overall pretty darn good. Once during this time, WH let me hear a vm from OP telling him “I thought we were in love, but evidently that is not the case. I’m going to send BS a “care package” and F up your life.” So after hearing that, I thought it was over. Since OP is in another state and WH travels for his job, this has been hard to monitor. Anyway, Jennifer said that it sounds like he has tried to end this thing but can’t. She suggested writing a letter telling him that I want to get a new life with him, outline the MB Plan, ask him to come up with ideas together on how we can move forward and get a new lifestyle. So, I write the letter and send it email asking for feedback by last weekend.

Now it gets confusing because of the mixed messages I start to receive. Saturday WH calls and says he got email. He started by saying that he didn’t like some ideas that I outlined for this reason or that, then went on to talk about some other things. He said that he was in a town about 2 hours away, so I suggest that I drive down and we’ll talk. No, he’ll just come up tomorrow morning. I really want to go, but he is adamant that I not come. Finally he says he will come home that night.

He gets here, we talk for about an hour. We tried to talk without arguing, which we did pretty good at, and talked about all of the things wrong in our M over the years etc. He says that I’m trying to change for him and be something that I’m not. I say that’s not true. I’m trying to be the person that I would like to be, and that we should make each other happy. He insists that I’m doing this because I’m afraid of losing him, and I say I’m doing it because I love him and want to be a better person. Anyway, he gets up to leave and drive back. I ask why he has to drive back at 9:00pm, just one hour after he got here, and he says he has to be somewhere else Sunday blah blah blah. Said he needed time alone (that was a new one). I suspected that OP was with him and he needed to get back for that reason. He continues to tell me it’s over with her. Anyway, we start to argue a little and he says this just isn’t working and starts to walk out.

After almost 7 months, I just get fed up and go into Plan FU. I just cracked and it came out of nowhere. I say fine, you’re right, this isn’t working. I tell him that I still don’t want a D, but I am going to file for an LSA. He says fine, if you can’t pay ½ of the bills (he knows that I can’t) get out. Now, this is the point where I usually break down and cry, but this time I was a force to be reckoned with. In your face. I say fine, I’m out. I start to go upstairs to pack. He follows. I’m telling him that tomorrow I will open my own account and pay my own bills, and he can take care of all the other ones for the house – I’ll mail them to him on the road and he can take care of it. And also, I’ll give everyone his phone number (realtor, landscaper, grass cutter, alarm company etc) and he can deal with showing the house and all of the maintenance. At that point, I could see panic setting in.

One of the ENs that I do exceptionally well is Domestic Support. While he has travelled the last 2-3 years, I have stayed behind and taken care of a big house, lots of land, rental property, a business, an elderly parent, a kid with an addiction problem, and 2 dogs. My days are 18 hours long. Just opening our mail everyday is an hour job. I take care of all bill paying, taxes, investments, and all of the other crap that goes with everyday living. Our house is immaculate and well decorated – nice place to be. Yes, while he is out playing the single life with his OP, I am back managing his real life. No way does he want to assume all of that crap. So at that point, he back pedals and says, no,no, you stay in the house. He’s now following me around the house trying to hug me, but I won’t let him. He says that I can have the house and I tell him I don’t want the mother effer. At this point, he starts cracking up because I never act or talk like this at all. So we both start laughing.

He keeps trying to hug me, and I resist, so we again start to argue. When we were on vacation a couple of months ago, he treated me so badly (except when he wanted SF) that I told him I felt like a ho (LB I know, but I was ticked). So, he started bringing that up again saying that it made him feel awful. He kept going on and on about it so I tell him to shut up and quit bellyaching about it because I kinda liked feeling like a ho. The look on his face!! Again so unlike me to say something like that! Anyway, he started laughing again, and we both started laughing. He came over, grabbed me and started hugging me, laughing and laughing. He couldn’t stop. He said that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. Anyway, he said that he wanted to stay the night, I said Ok. Yes, SF (I know, I know) but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. Several times through the night he grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and several times he hugged me and told me he loved me.

So, he gets up at the crack of dawn, gets in the shower, I look at cell phone to find OP has called in middle of the night, I say it isn’t over is it, he says I don’t believe him and he storms out.

OK, so now after 7 months, 2 false recoveries, and one failed plan B, I decide I can’t do this anymore. I send an email with my second PBL, only this time I tell him that I will not be doing any administrative or maintenance to the house, I will take over my own bills, have realtor etc. work with him and so on. I tell him that we can work out an asset split where he can keep the house. I figure at this point, Domestic Support is about the only EN that I’m providing, so it has to go bye bye, or babye as they say. I tell him I will not talk about our future until he agrees to commit and NC with OP.

The next day, I get an email telling me that he loves me, that I made him laugh for the first time in a long while, he wants me to go on a two week international trip with him next month so that we can get a new start, he wants to grow old with me and no one else, and that no one can ever replace me.

Now I’m really confused. I call Jennifer and she says that he wants a relationship with me, but I need to give him a plan. She says to write back and tell him that we can do it if he really wants it, but we have to come up with something new that will work (all the MB stuff). So I write the letter and send it off yesterday. Nothing back yet. She says give him a week or so, if I don’t hear from him continue with my very dark Plan B.

So there you have it folks. I’d love some feedback from you. I hope that my experience will help some of you too. I haven’t posted much because up to this point, my life is such a mess that I didn’t feel like I was qualified to give anyone else advice. I will become more active at posting because I realize that these things may be of help to some of you as well.

Sounds like good news. But he STILL appears to be cake eating. Follow Jennifer's advice and see what happens next.

Plan FU works for some people, but now I would get back to a real plan.

Believer,

Yep, cake eating, that's what I'm thinking too. I know, not supposed to be Plan FU, and that's not my nature at all, but I just couldn't control it. I guess so many months of resentment building up got the best of me.

If he doesn't respond by weekend, it's 6 feet under for me. Ain't no light down there....

Great! And stay very very dark. He will figure it out. It DOES seem like you meet a lot of his needs, so that is good. You can start letting the OW try to meet them in a good Plan B.

Well, I wasn't sure just what ENs I was meeting other than DS. I don't see how I could have been since we haven't spent much time together. We used to talk every evening, so maybe conversation. I've tried to do more admiration too. We'll see what happens over the next few days....

Believer,

You were right. Cake eating. I sent the letter as Jennifer suggested, but no reply. Today was the deadline, so I sent my 2nd Plan B letter. This time I won't botch it.

Also, you were right about one thing - money. He took a large sum of money out today, now I'm going to have bounced checks. I should have listened to you before, but I thought that he wouldn't do something like that. Now I need to go for sure on Monday and file a LSA. I talked with the attornery before, and decided at the last minute not to do it, now I wish that I had. I was still sure that we would reconcile. I could kick myself. I was so sure that I knew him....

So sorry, knitgirl. I never thought mine would do that either, but he did.

Also watch your important papers. It's funny, my sister is an attorney, and she warned me to move my important papers out of the home. She told me that is the first thing some spouses go for. Like an idiot, I didn't think he would do anything like that. Occasionally I would check the file box, and it was still there. But one day I got a huge shock. I needed papers for something, and went to look. You guessed it - EVERYTHING inside the files was gone - my birth certificate, marriage papers, my social security card, pink slips on the vehicles, house papers, EVERYTHING. The rat had sneaked in and took them all.

Knitgirl-- so sorry that it didn't go as well as you had hoped it would. Im sure seeig the OW's number on that cell felt like a dagger to your heart.

File the LSA so you can protect yourself financially. He's already started the money game. Contact Jennifer with this new info so she can help you along with the rest of your plan.

Really-- this totally bites. Just keep reminding yourself about this on those days you start questioning your plan B, ok?

Thanks Mojo and Believer,

What was he going to do with your papers Believer?? I had better watch that too.

Of course I got an email today telling me he loves me more than anything, and that he had to take money because I won't talk to him, blah blah. He took 4 times more than he needed which is causing my checks to bounce and it's my fault. I'm shutting down OP's money machine on Monday.

Mojo, yea, your heart sinks everytime even though you expect it. You can always tell by their actions what's up. That in a hurry, sneaky manner that they have.

I don't know girls, maybe it's just the mood of the week, but I might be done here. I'm sick of this crappola and I don't know if I want to be M to someone who is "addicted" to another woman for life. I want someone who is addicted to me!!

Protect your money.

My ex didn't really WANT the papers for anything. He just didn't want ME to have them. It caused some problems and hassles for me. Then when I was working on divorce, had to get the court to order they be returned, and that took time. It was just something they do.

I'm sure yours will snap out of it, it is just the damage they do in the meantime. I finally just got sick and tired of it. I think it helps to get a bit detached. Live your life well, and make it satisfying. Put hubby on the back burner, and don't depend on him to do anything. That way, if he does something nice, it is a pleasant surprise.

I would take my time answering his email. Be busy enjoying life. It is like they can sense that you are putting everything on hold for them, and then they feel free to continue the affair.

Actually, I hadn't planned on answering the email, but I may have to in order to get bills paid. But, I'll keep contact short and to the point. Remember, I am in Plan B now! I just don't have an intermediary. No one wants to get in the middle if you know what I mean. they all think I should D him.

I don't know if he will snap out of it or not. She's there, single, and waiting. She's needy and thinks he is a money machine, so she's latching on. I honestly don't know if I can wait this out because I'm just fed up. One thing that I know about him is that he hates change, so I may accelerate all of this just to throw him off balance a little.

Try to think of what life will be like for him if he were to get a divorce, and let those things happen. His little wife would NOT be keeping the home fires burning, and waiting for his return. Give him a taste of that.

It sounds like you have been a good wife. He would just like to have his OW too. So stop doing the wifely things, and put your effort toward making a good life for you.

Amen Believer!! That's exactly my plan my friend. The only EN I'm providing is DS, so that's a gonner.

I'm in "me" mode now. I know that it's probably just the mood of the week, and next week I'll fall apart, but I'm going to sieze every upswing and ride it for all it's worth.

And yes, I've been thinking of what his life will be like with her, and he'll be working the rest of it. She's going to take him to the cleaners (unfortunately on my 401K) but I'll have my half and will invest it wisely so that it grows (providing the market doesn't bottom out again). Maybe time to switch to safer investments huh....

Your mood will go up and down. That is normal. I mostly wanted to save my marriage for the first 3 years, but my WH just did too much damage.

I doubt that your husband will stay with the OW. That would be most unusual. The chances are very much in your favor that he will be back with you.

That is why you need to protect your finances. I'm sure she will get whatever she can from him.