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Joined: Jul 2007
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Hi =
I was married for 10 yrs. Husband had affair (he left me moved in w/her)lost job,she lost job. unemployment stopped,seperated for 1-1/2. shes alos seperated from her husband.
Finally got him to say why he cheated and left- said I didnt feel the love from you (sexually)- reason he left- he wanted out- this was a way out,- not ready to come back to us- too ashamed- knew he messed up- why he stays-he dosent have anything anymore-he loves me always- he dosent love her but its a means to an end.
having a hard time moving on myself- stupid i guess = still love him.
do you think hes telling the truth or lying still. Why would she stay with him?why does he stay and not man up and save his family.
aqua
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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I have no words of wisdom except I am very sorry you are hurting. This is the most awful pain that you can experience.
Please take care of yourself.
SG
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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am, maybe he doesn't feel there will be a soft landing for him if he comes home? Does he have reason to believe that the conditions in the marriage have changed and he can be happy at home? He said he didn't feel loved at home, would that change? Does he have reason to believe that you would forgive him and not hold his affair over his head and beat him for it?
The point I am trying to make is that he needs to know he would be welcomed at home in order to be attracted away from the OW. Do you speak to him often?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jul 2007
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i have tried and talked and had told him he can come home. yes i did ask him the particulars of the affair and why comes. I had told him yesi did love him and he says he knows but the shame and guilt keeps him away. He says he has no money or job thats why he stays with ciara because if he had a job and money he could get his own place and get his self together. he says he's not in love with anyone not even himself.
I have tried to find someone on my own but all i attract are the same people - men who are divorcing,cheated and do not want a long term relationship.
I am tired and ready to give up... i cant save my marraige alone.
i tried to attract him ... but .....nothing- hes not attracted to me anymore.
aqua
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 78
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Don't let him make you feel like you are responsible because "he didn't feel the love" at home. He chose to cheat on you vs. the choice to express his feelings and needs to you, and work on the marriage.
Yes, you can welcome him home if yo so choose. No, you can't make life all comfy and cushy and let him in without expecting that he take responsibility for messing up, and finding out why he has issues. One of the things that stopped me from filing for divorce on D-day was that my husband agreed to some serious mental health counseling as well as couples counseling. It wasn't optional, if he wanted to come home that night.
He does not sound like much of a prize, I'm sorry to say. Don't worry about attracting other people right now. Focus on yourself and your kids.
Good luck.
Last edited by Duped4691; 07/07/07 12:34 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2007
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aqua
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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Why do you want someone who isn't supportive or loyal? Better you move forward so that you can feel better for yourself. When you do so, you show the WS you will not enable the A nor be around to absorb his pain. Instead if he wants t/b a part of your family he will also need to move forward show his is worth considering. Right now the message you are sending is that you love him as a Ws. Let us know when you want a plan to move forward. take care, L.
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Joined: Jul 2007
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how do i move forward and get my self esteem back... right now i feel low and it gets worse everyday. I want me back and a life not this shell i am now.
aqua
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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how do i move forward and get my self esteem back... right now i feel low and it gets worse everyday. I want me back and a life not this shell i am now. Do you know about plan A and how to execute a good one? If so, then you can move forward to plan B to get your self esteem back. What effort are you willing to put forth? Read? Take a questionnaire? Read, go to MC, go to your doctor, secure your finances, create your personal support group...etc.? L.
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im working on my refinancing, read many self help books, went to the doctor (didnt care for the anti-depress- made me tired)so i guess im on the right track - just having human feelings- lonliness and scared
aqua
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Joined: Jun 2007
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Aqua,
Don't forget, you were the Betrayed Spouse (BS), so you have some control over this situation (which can be helpful if you want to steer your M back onto the right track).
Think about what you are prepared to do to save your M, and yourself. The self-help stuff is a good step, but what about emotional support (from family and trusted friends)? Because we are human, we do need human contact, people who will listen to us.
It's okay to feel lonely and scared...just don't let it overrun your life.
It's time to take care of you.
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