been in plan a for four weeks now ,going well starting to talk a lot about general stuff etc . heres my dilema ww asked me to go swimming with her and our 3 yr old son .i said yes would love to ,its the first real together stuff we/ve done since d day 2 months ago .. not really sure how to be around her , she still sees om at least once a week but says shes starting to figure it out . some say act frosty ,some affectionate .help with the upcoming situation would be really useful ,dont want to love bust ...

I say act happy and self confident, not needy or clingy. No Relationship talks. No prying about her boyfriend or her feelings about "figuring it out". Be attentive but not "mooney."
Think about fun topics you could mention if you run out of conversation. (Not that you'll have much down time with a 3 year old while you are swimming.)

thanks for that , i have written a letter ,on the basis that she keeps telling me we will b together again some day ,(after usual crap about space ,figure it out ,etc etc) .basicly the letter says despite all thats happened i am willing to repair /improve our marriage,but only after no contact with om ....is this a good idea or am i to throw it in the bin ... not force the issue?

It is too soon for that letter. You are talking about a Plan B letter. If you are still in Plan A, hang on to the letter and wait until you are ready to break all contact with her.
Go and look for Plan B example letters here on the site. But keep Plan A and Plan B separate from each other.

She is in the fog now. The "figuring things out" craip is fogspeak for "I'm sitting on the fence; I want you both; don't make any waves"

Once you are ready for Plan B, you must also be ready for Going Dark. That means no contact with her whatsoever. Have an intermediary. Set up a plan to hand your son over for custody in a way that you do not actually see each other.

Plan, okay? Don't just go willy nilly.

If you are actually in Plan A, I think you should be willing to write a letter or otherwise communicate that you want to repair and improve the marriage, regardless of whether or not your WW stops seeing OM. In other words, why put conditions on her behavior for you to work on the relationship?

In my case, I communicated that for the M to survive, WW had to get to NC and radical honesty; but I was working on the relationship at the time. For me, Plan-A/Plan-B didn't work, which I attribute to long-time WW-issues (poor mental/emotional health), not anything wrong with MB principles.

It sounds like you are already separated? (If so, and Plan-Aing, can you end the separation?)

If you don't think you can love her back (i.e., meet her ENs and convince her to give up the A) and you are really getting pummeled emtionally, they maybe you ought to consider Plan B.

- WG

we are separated , she wont return to the house .one of the issues is that the house wwas mine and my ex wifes of 9 years ago . house is for sale has been for 2 months .. she has said when the house is sold things will be clearer for her !!. not sure what this means ..if i could move tommorow i would believe me ... if you see my other post (dont know how to link ) exposure with a twist "" you will get some understanding of om seems im in a rut here not sure of a way forward.

plan a seems ok at the moment i dont mind giving and not getting anything back .there seems to be no anger between us ,we talk lots , she gives me the odd cuddle .. hand hold etc .. just seems the om is always there (in my mind ), hard to see an end, when this guy gets a girl in this position he seems to be able to keep them there ..he tells them what hes like from the start and they accept it ...

E
There are a few things that have struck me here:

I) If you sell the house and reinvest in a new marital property, how does that affect your financial position in case of D? (Right now, this house was pre-marital property so alot of equity is safe. Would that still be the case?)

II) You stated your W was an alcholic. Plan A will not work with this disease. Is the W getting help for this? Are you attending Al-Anon or something similar?

III) What is the issue between your W, XW, and daughter. This may need to be addressed bu a IC or may add insight to others here.

IV) What is the level of exposure you have done. I saw you exposed to the boss, what of family,friends,etc.?

ww is in councelling for addiction , have not attended al anon . house now belongs to both of us (were married ) (uk law).ww has built up resentment for my ex +daughter over the years ,especially after the birth of our own son 3 years ago. have exposed to everyone and i mean everyone ,she has lost friends ,family are appalled at her etc really stuck here ,going nuts ,cant see a way forward

you say plan a wont work ,but i do see real results from her each day ! her addiction is not severe ,a bottle of wine a night ,but if she goes out she gets smashed , for this reason i stopped going out ...

Let's see if we can get Mel on board to help you. She has helped many with alcohol issues.

I would caution you about selling the home. Unless it is something you want t/d and it won't put you in a financial bind if she goes the full WS route, I would err on the side of caution.

It appears the WS is setting you up for a fall. A hard fall. Her and the OM may want to take you for all your $$ along with taking your son.

Be careful. Check out the selling options w/ separation vs D with your lawyer.

Right now continue you plan A but very cautiously. If she tries to wheel and deal with you once she has you in that pool or any other place where you will lower your guard, be careful.

I sense something wicked this way cometh. Be careful.

L.

Here's a link to your other thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

BTW, your exposure was great. Perfect circumstanaces with OM's GF. In retrospect, how do you feel about having exposed?

Does your W still work with OM? Did OM get in trouble at work?

I'm not clear whether your W just communicates 1x/week, or sees OM at work, or sees him in a romantic context.

Well, good luck at the pool. The fact that she initiated it *could* be a positive sign. You do want to give her hope that if the A ends, there is a bright future ahead (but without telling her what to do). In retrospect, I wish I had done a better job conveying hope, but at the time I was just too hurt and pessimistic, and my WWs persistent actions weren't hope-inspiring.

A consequence of the A that your W should face is understanding that her actions do actually, personally hurt you. It would be reasonable for you to tell her this (especially if communicating your emotional state isn't easy for you) and, if true, that the longer she remains indecisive, the more your love for her dies, a little bit more each day. Neutrally reminding about the likely ramifications of her actions (i.e., effect of D on kids) is fair.
You don't want to preach. But spouses should be friends and friends should be able to say even tough things to close friends. I wouldn't pick that discussion for pool-day, however.

Wishing you the best,

- WG

I agree with Orchid. Be vary careful here.

ok day at the pool went very well . as you may know ww wife has drink problem (she is in private councilling ) against advice from most of you here i have been in plan a for a month now , have done a great job i believe , after swim went back to ww apartment managed to snoop a bit found his clothes , toothbrush etc (all hidden ) i did however feel all the way through today that my feelings (physical and emotional had diminished. time for plan b ? i feel ready , she needs me more than i her . finances secure ,father in law agreed to act as go between ,letter written to her and him ,almost straigt out of saa book.except for alcohol rehab! suppose ive just not been ready upto now ,what are your thougths etc any help reassurance advice please

Your mind and heart must be in sync. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Howz the house sitch?

L.

the house is up for sale but when sold the money gets paid to solicitors account ,neither of us can touch it without each others consent .she was told this at least 4 weeks ago and agreed because of my fears over om history. she was also told no alcohol councilling means i go for sole custordy of child this she also agreed to .i have plenty of places i can live she has rent ,car bills fuel etc etc she cant afford this now ! he has no money ,she has said twice now she will end it but with no effort on her part.. i think she needs a wake up call . above all i want her to be clean for our son together or not ,this is my frame of mind now .. just need reassurance i suppose

i also feel that if om has to start meeting all of ww emotional needs the problems will start ..he has made it clear from the start hes only in it for sex (taped phone call) he also told her father he believed he was helping her! this earned him a slap from father !!!

any advice on plan b or other help will be sooo helpful

OM's can't meet real long lasting needs. So let the OM try. He will eventually flub it up. The real worry is if you will last through all this chaos. You may very well say she isn't worth waiting for and NO ONE would blame you.

So best to work on you. You want plan B? Is your mind and heart in sync?

L.