Post deleted by Gruffles

Sorry to see you here. Glad to read that you want to save your marriage.

How did your mom let you down? Did you have a babysitting arrangement with her prior to moving to Montana?

My parents love their grandchildren very much but, they are not babysitters. Some jump at the chance, some don't. I did utilize my inlaws during my daughters early years but that was a financial arrangement.


I agree, you're a schmuck.

You do have a choice. There is always a choice. You could go with her. She could stay home. She could postpone.

A good indicator? It's already a bad indicator that she is going back home without you and other man (OM) will be within reach. Tell me, since you are gambling your wife away...what are the odds that she won't at least conveniently run into OM at an old hangout? Does OM know she is coming?

What safeguards have you and your wife put in place to assure that contact will not be made? Trust is not good enough.

You will likely get more input if you put this thread on the Infidelity (General Questions II) board. The Divorcing/Divorced board receives little traffic, especially on the weekends. Besides, you're not divorcing, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Gruf,

I agree with BA here on the No VA trip. You are actually in a perfect position to SAVE your marriage. Go with your wife. Have her stay home. Don't let an internet affair grow into a PA. If I knew a year ago what I know now...

I'm glad you're going to counselling. There's some great material here, too: Read His Needs, Her Needs (order here) and also the The Five Love Languages (Amazon or Bookstore).
They're good starts.

For your Wife to concentrate on the marriage, she HAS to stop the internet affairs. It's giving her an unhealthy avenue to vent about you, and some slob on the other end of the ether is being "all sympathetic" and milking a fantasy.

Good Luck.

Wow, indeed. Guess what? They are all like that, you are not alone.

I am from the No.VA area, but...you probably mean Alexandria, or Fairfax. That is expensive. Front Royal is not that expensive!

Oh, and it is the fool that does not believe. If you believe and are wrong, you are simply wrong. It is not a superior technique to mistrust your wife, regardless. If you don't trust her, and you are right - that is actually more embarassing, not less. Plus, it is only about the biggest love buster there is. You really need to get a better perspective and more trust. If you are wrong, you will likely divorce. If you are right, you will still divorce, see what I mean? You have to let her have her autonomy and make her own decisions. Hopefully, that won't involve a decision to be dishonest, but that is beyond your control.

Your post seems to have already concluded a negative outcome, how can you expect a positive one when you will not trust her to want a similar positive outcome?

Who really has the issue with your Mother's lack of help? Actually, Grandparents have no requirement to babysit at all. They have raised their children and deserve a break from it. I would not knock my Mother for that, and in fact, I try to make what little time she has with my kids a positive one for all of us.

This is an emotional process, but it is not at all a fight. Play it that way, and you will win the battle and lose the wife. For sure.

Sounds to me like she does not feel comfortable in Montana. Perhaps she feels domineered and/or ignored by your Mother. Plus, I can't see her being thrilled with the possibilities as a hairdresser in Montana.

Are you 100% certain that you are meeting her ENs, because that sounds an awful lot like a woman feeling trapped and yearning for a time when things were easier, and she felt more supported emotionally. I think your last line says it all, did you tell her that, and are you prepared to learn it all over again?

I do not wish to offend you, but MySpace is only for a few things, all of which involve sinful behavior of some description. I have not seen many hairdressers plying their trade by using MySpace, but then again I don't use MySpace.

EDIT: Not trusting your wife will do more damage than if you let her go with a sense that you trust and love her. It is a big step, but...I would let her go. You cannot force her to be faithful, but if you meet her ENs, she won't find it necessary to be unfaithful. It is also a distinct possibility that she will get there, and miss you terribly.

Understand that your relationship is your fault, too. Good, or bad. You cannot save a marriage by yourself, and EAs are hardly ever only one persons fault.

Sorry you're here. But, all is not lost. She says she wants the marriage to work. That's really very good.

I'm for trusting her right now. Assuming her parents are decent people, they're not going to be enthusiastic about her hanging out with an old boyfriend. Plus, she'll have the children with them. Do you know how hard it can be to have an affair with your parents and children watching? I imagine it complicates matters.

Have you shared the MB concepts with her? One thing I really, really like about MB is it is not about saving the marriage so much as restoring romantic love. You restore romantic love... and the marriage is automatically saved. And who doesn't want to be in love? (Well, there are some, but they really aren't good marriage material).

Well, she's probably already left, so I don't know why I bother to write. But, you have no idea the depths to which a WS will lie to further an A.

My WW lied daily. About 'trips to the store/mall', 'went to the drug store', 'went to see my parents', 'class ran late', 'got lost'.

No, your in-laws won't be enthusiastic. But since WW is going to lie, she'll tell them how bad you are and that will take some of the edge off. If WW is courteous, she'll disguise her activities.

I bet anything your WW is just waiting for 5 minutes alone to make the call. My WW waited months for opportunities (i.e., my travelling out of state for work) to contact lovers.

The only thing complicating the affair is being with you constantly, accounting to you for her time, and having to look you in the eye.

Sigh.