I posted a few weeks ago in Just Found Out but after a couple of weeks of sleuthing and some dialog with my wife I am convinced she is not having an affair.

However, there are deep problems with our relationship and she is convinced we cannot get through them and that things are not going to work out for saving our marriage.

A little history - married 12 years, two daughters - 9 and 18 (the 18 year old is not biologically mine but I have been her father for 17 years which is not part of the issue). We have spent many years not meeting each others EN's and have a lot of Conflict. We have both given up and my wife will not go back to see a counsellor. We tried that a few years ago and helped for a while but back to the same.

At this point, my wife wants to coexist in the same house as to not disrupt the kids and their balance. We are together to support them and support each other financially until such time as we can separate and move on. I want to either 1) take one last chance at making things work by seeking a counsellor and both of us work at making things work out or 2) cut our losses, separate and seek out divorce proceedings now. I want full custody of my youngest daughter but I don't stand much chance of that. My oldest daughter will be attending college next year and not home all that much. However, I do not want to coexist. I have been too unhappy for too long and cannot do it any longer. If it is over then I need to move on and seek happyness.

I really do not know what to do and need some help from this group. I cannot attempt to save a marriage on my own, I refuse to and do not have the energy or the self esteem to put myself through that.

There is no abuse, no drinking/drug problems, we both a have good jobs, a house and live a good life in a middle class world. I have never cheated on her and although I have suspected it in the past (part of the problem) she claims that she has never cheated on my. At this point things are so bad with our relationship that I am sure she would admit it if she had or was cheating/cheated.

We are both on an emotional roller coaster. I am contemplating seeking out a counsellor to get myself through this and not one for our marriage. I am am also considering visiting my doctor for some sort of anti-depressent medication to help me cope. We are just two different people not meeting each other's emotiional needs with lots of conflict and do not spend near enough time together anymore to be happy together. She seeks out support from her job and coworkers. I get support from my youngest daughter - when I am with her then life is good.

I am scared, lonely and very unhappy and for once in my life I do not know what to do next. I also do not have any close friends to lean on in this situation.

Any suggestions?

Seeing a counselor on your own is probably a good idea. It certainly won't make matters worse and through that connection you might be able to convence your wife into joining you in some of the sessions. If nothing else her participation could help you and the therapist help you.

Next I'd read everything that Dr. Harley has posted here on his website to familiarize yourself with his Marriage Builders concepts. I'm a big believer in MB because it helped me to improve my marriage from a situation that sounds quite similar to yours (you can click on my user name to see some of my earlier posts to read about my situation/journey if you'd like).

MB can help you to save your marriage, but you have to be willing to do what it takes to save your marriage. Generally speaking that entails a long hard task. It took years for your marriage to get to this point and it possibly could take that long to set things back to rights. MB does offer you specific steps you can take that don't require your wife to do anything. In fact if she is in a state of withdrawl from you (and you from her) you really can't expect her to do much in the way of rebuilding the relationship. A lot of this will be up to you alone, at least initially. The good news is if she is willing to continue to stay married and living together (even if it's not as husband and wife) that is a good position for you to gradually start meeting what needs she'll allow you to meet and to begin to win her back.

Spend some time reading this site (not the forums but the main site). Then sit down with a good counselor and begin figuring out what you want out of life and how far you will be willing to go to get it. If you and your wife are in an indefinite holding pattern relationship-wise put this time to good use by figuring out what has been going wrong in your life and what you can do about fixing it.

Good luck and take heart coming back from the brink is possible!

Hi Broom,

Thank you for your response. I am re-posting a response from my other discussion in EN. I read through your first few posts and was hoping you could give me the short version of where you and your wife are now. Your situation sounds very similiar to mine except my causal was not dishonesty of my own but rather my inability to meet her emotional needs, selfish and laziness to make my marriage work and just sort of expecting it to work with no real effort. Your words of encouragement have sent me in a different direction so thank you. I hope things are working out for you now.

B

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I am actually not new to MBer's. I was here about four years ago and read everything on this site and His Needs, Her Needs and it did help but I have strayed from that course but not intentionally just kind of happened.

However, your question (or Dr Harley's really) makes me wonder. I posted my questions to get advice on how to cope with the separation and had no real intentions of winning her back because I felt I didn't want to and she didn't want to either. However, it is clear that my actions over the last little while have drove her away and not so much what she has done to go away. Because of that I feel like I must now fight for what I have been detroying. She is in withdrawal, I see that now. I hope to seek out advice from a Pro-marriage counsellor, learn from the experience and wisdom of my peers on MBer's, and of course follow Dr Harley's guidance.

Thank you for a renewed committment to making this work.

My wife and I are back together as husband and wife. I'm not going to lie to you and say I've got the perfect marriage, but we both have come away from our separation closer and much more willing to work together in order to sustain and improve our relationship. I'm still plagued by all of my old problems and fears, but I realize now what is at stake and I refuse to jeopardize my marriage. The value I see in Marriage Builders is that it helped me to understand better the dynamics of a relationship, how it works, and how to work at making it better. I was really ignorant of so much prior to my marriage falling apart.

For me a big part of the process was figuring out what I wanted. A lot of people (myself included) tend to take a lot for granted. When it's gone that's when you miss it. Dealing with the separation is tough. I absolutely hated it and my biggest challenge was not letting the separation sabotage my efforts towards reconcilliation. The fact that my wife wasn't interested in us reconcilling, and even at times working counter towards that end really ramped up the stress factor on me. The thing that kept me going was my children. I didn't want to fail them. I'd made the mess and it was my responsibility to fix it.

There are some good threads on the boards where you can learn a lot, but for me the most value I got was through Dr.Harley's writting.